Inanimate Objects and Their Human Equivalents

Let’s get nice and weird with this


Amelia initiated a unilaterally viral sensation last March when in her first “Amelia Post” Etiquette story when she coined the concept of a human backpack. What she’d originally meant to illustrate was the kind of person who stands so close behind you in line for, let’s say, the movies, he or she is practically koala-ing on your back, thus creating the illusion of a human backpack.

I took the term to mean someone who is relentlessly stuck on his or her ass and won’t leave you until you forcibly remove said person from said ass. We discussed the variations and thus, the concept of the Human Equivalent of Things was born. It spawned an entirely new way of describing the character traits of both people we love and people we hate. So today, in honor of it being Wednesday, we bring you an index of human-animate objects, mechanisms and functional devices so that the next time you want to make yourself heard about the behaviors of your peers, you can do it with pungent but pleasant words.

Human Toilet – We encourage you to use your imagination here. Actually, it’s more fun to type out: a human toilet is someone who gets shit on. It could also, however, theoretically refer to someone who gets “a ton of ass.” It’s all about context.

Human Diaper  – The mistress (or male equivalent), as opposed to the wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend. The Human Diaper — like the Human Toilet — ends up getting the shit end of the stick. He/she also ends up being disposable. But beware, because it’s like they say: there’s nothing as scary as a mistress scorned…save for, of course, a dirty diaper that’s been forgotten about all day.

Human Ladder – He or she who is social-climbed on, like an upwardly-mobile version of the floor mat.

Human Subway – Someone with a bladder problem because they’re always stopping. Note: a human subway could also be a mom on a cruise during formal dinner night because she is — per her girlfriends — “pulling out all the stops.”

Human Garden Gnome – Someone who is kind of short but also really, really unfriendly. If not unfriendly, then stoic and always watching.

Human Treasury Bond – A really nice husband.

Human Coffee – That friend who makes you crazy hyper when you were just starting to calm down and do your work. It is also an amateur tap dancer who physically cannot stop practicing pinwheels because the clicky-shoe-noises are too addicting.

Human Prius – Someone who tries to act down to earth but frankly speaking, isn’t fooling anyone.

Human Credit Card Machine – A prostitute.

Human Square (as in, the app) – A prostitute who lives in San Francisco.

Human Brita – Someone who thinks carefully before they speak.

Human Faucet – Someone who won’t shut the F up — the opposite of a Human Brita.

Human Sriracha – A very popular person. He or she is so popular, in fact, that others are scared to say they dislike this person for fear of ending friendships or being kicked out of the Sunday night dinner club.

Human Designer Handbag – This is your “going out friend” — you probably wouldn’t call her if you were crying. Instead, you’d call your far more reliable and durable human tote bag.

Human Bag of Lays Potato Chips – Someone who appears to be really smart (as in, full) but when cracked open (spoken to) he or she actually presents the reality that he/she is a half-empty bag of potatoes with “just three ingredients.”

Human Table Gum – That person in your group of friends who kind of grosses everyone out, but like it or not, they’re ride-or-die-stuck with you.

Human Seesaw – A woman on her period or a man with serious mood swings.

Human Gluten – The person who suddenly can’t seem to catch a break.

Human Comments Section – Actually this is you guys. Your turn. Add your human equivalent of X.

Human ladder photoshopped by Krista Anna Lewis, ladder composed of girls from Jonathan Saunders pre-fall 2014.

Get more Humor ?
  • Human Google – aka one’s partner and everyone else constantly submitted to queries starting with “Do you know what X is/does?” (because you want actual interaction with people once in a while and this is how you do it)

    • Lucy

      similar to Human Google – Human Ask Jeeves. the person who is rarely asked, but when they are, the answer is usually wrong and made up. (they are also at least in their mid-40s)

      • Oh, I hope this is not an inevitable destiny, though the symptoms are already there … 😀

  • THE HUMAN GARDEN GNOME. stawp it. So amazing. I used to have a BBM group chat called the human diapers…

    Human plunger- someone who knows how to figure shit out

    human gel manicure- someone who leaves the house at 1pm looking cute as heck for a bar crawl, only to be peeled of the bar room floor at 2am, when they should have left hours ago.

    Human carseat- when piling too many people into a cab, this person always insists someone “just sit on their lap” to all fit inside. also see the human rug: someone who always lays on the floor of a cab to hide so the group can save $4 for the ride.

    that’s all i have FOR NOW.

    • Amelia Diamond

      these are amazing

      • oh, stop. question: what do you call a 26-year-old who baby sits tweens at a one direction concert then downloads all the albums and makes harry styles the background of their phone? been trying to define this for a week now. asking for a friend, bye!

        • Human Downgrade?

          • I think you’re right. I’ll tell my friend.

  • Ooo good segway into a question about the dick-shun-ary which is are you ladies gonna update it? It’s an amazing idea and the ones on there right now are hilarious.

    • Amelia Diamond

      thank you! SO GLAD you like it. and yes, we are going to update it!!

  • Emilia Petrarca

    Human Brita is so funny

    • Amelia Diamond

      you’re so funny

  • Thick Highbrows

    Human anti-slip rug underlay / AKA the doormat’s doormat. Someone so trampled on that even the meekest of souls will pommel them at the drop of a hat. This person can’t seem to catch a break despite their supportive or integral role in a group and/or popular culture. When Sally with a mustache in accounting was making fun of pregnant Kim Kardashian’s sartorial mishap at the 2013 Met Gala, I knew her status as public punching bag was solidified. Everyone know’s a couch dress can make a carpet slip!

  • ee_by_cc

    Human Bag of Lays Potato Chips is fantastic…how do they keep bluffing their way through life!

  • Paulina Villalpando

    Human gluten! I feel identified haha.

  • Alexandra Puffer

    Human Garden Gnome is a real thing! Brilliant.

    Warm regards,

  • The Human Sriracha is so funny. Very creative post that I enjoyed reading!

  • Grace

    Human Kale/ Quinoa- Someone who is suddenly, inexplicably popular- the opposite of Human Gluten. New found popularity may be due to having a name that’s fun to say.


  • Human Garden Gnome and Human Table Gum….you can’t get rid of these ppl

  • Kandeel

    Human Dictionary: That guy in your english class that the teacher asks to define words

    Human Blood Orange: “Ugh shes so pretentious!” (The one that acts like she knows everything about everything)

  • Anna

    I am such a human subway

  • jonh

    not bad !
    sepatu pria

  • nick

    human seesaw , its funny
    kemeja pria

  • grace

    Human Stair Master….always ‘one-upping’ you.

  • Lucy

    Human Keyboard, your skinny friend who doesn’t order anything but picks all of the crumbs off of your plate.

  • can we have the minor cogitations and humor stories compiled into an anthology of sorts? Please and thank you.

  • Shanna Ossé

    The Human Violin: the person people see and hear of and think they’re so cool when in fact they’re difficult to deal with (difficult to play) and they take over your life (always practicing). Not to mention, they need so much care for it’s crazy! Some may refer to this person as a strict single mother…