Congratulations on making it 7 days into May without your horoscopes. Personally, I don’t know how anyone made any important decisions or signed any papers or made purchases at Ikea without *Susan Miller’s astrological predictions. I also don’t know how I was able to focus on paraphrasing her words for you with the flashing ad for sailing lessons that appears in the periphery of each horoscope, but if that’s not a sign of good things to come for this month then I don’t know what is, baby.
Taurus – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US! Suz starts us off nicely enough with a George Clooney mention (his bday was May 6, so don’t forget to write on his wall or text him because you know how he is), then goes rogue and hits us with news that more or less says our teeth are going to fall out. I wouldn’t worry too much because SOMETIMES she’s wrong. More bad news about relationships — your gf/bf is going to piss you off — bla bla bla, take a road trip trip to fix it. Then she wants us to move quickly at the end of the month. If there is one thing I do not do, it’s move quickly. Jesus Christopher, Suz, can’t a birthday girl get a leisurely break? At least we’re supposedly getting rich at the end-o-May.
Gemini – “You made it through April alive!,” is essentially how Suz starts off your ‘scope. If you had health issues last month, they will be resolved in May. (How lucky for you, because I am about to have no teeth.) However if your incisors fall out, the problem should be fixed fairly quickly thanks to the full moon. “This month is extraordinary for money,” she says of you Twinsibobs, so if I were a Gemini, I’d get my ass on Who Wants to be a Millionaire A$AP. On May 18th, you’ll fall in love. On May 28 she basically forgets my birthday ever happened and gives you guys a new moon, which means you’re going to be alluring and have energy and write a screen play. I think Susan Miller is picking favorites.
Cancer – Crabby patties, were people super nuts around you in April? Suz said it was like “the crazies were coming out of the cage,” but your sign’s not totally clear of the eclipse yet. If you didn’t feel it in April, you might around May 15-ish. The good news (depending on your idea of a good time) is that on May 24, Jupiter and Cancer are going to pee all over everything, although Susan’s actual language was “rinse with golden light.” Pee or no pee, this month is an ideal time to make major moves toward a huge goal of yours.
Leo – Do you skateboard? Susan thinks you do. She may be using it as a metaphor, but just in case, have one on deck (badum-cha!) so that you’re “ready to roll” when unexpected progress happens in your various life projects. Speaking of rolling, if anyone’s critical to you around May 10, let it slide, because on May 28 you’re gonna be more popular than a koala bear at a hug convention: so many invitations, so little time. I wonder if this is how Pharrel pheels. End the month with a little road trip — maybe put the cool in school and rent a giant yellow bus to drive all your brand new marsupial friends around.
Virgo – Stick your thumb into the air’s butt like a hitchhiker and hail the school bus your Leo friend is driving around, because this month is all about traveling for you. Suz the Travel Agent wants you to hit up Canada, Mexico, Istanbul, Rio de Janeiro and/or Beijing. “The world is your oyster,” she says, but “don’t eat oysters on months without the letter ‘R’ in them because that’s when they mate.” Actually my aunt Thea says that second part about oyster sex but still. Also, your career is going to flourish, which is good considering you can’t actually pay travel agents and airlines in gum, you liars at Trident Layers.
Libra – May is the healing scab on the bullshit rug-burn that April may have created for you in regards to your relationships. Just don’t be gross and pick it off. I’m just going to skip over May 10th because that’s a shitty day for everyone, and on May 14th note that you may have some real decision making about to do involving money. BUT guess what? You’re about to get a promotion, and that means a potential corner office, no-shoe Tuesdays and moolah. At the end of the month, travel. You might fall in louvre.
Scorpio – You’re either breaking up from a major relationship or strengthening an existing one, and unless I’m reading cross-eyed which I just might be, it sounds like a truth could be revealed that provides a strong push in whatever direction ya’ll were already headed. Someone you love might tell you they love you, though! That’s always fun. It will feel like you’re on the episode of The O.C. where Ryan finally says it to Marissa. Last thing: Susan Miller literally and not figuratively said she’s holding you hostage in July and August, so get out of town NOW. GO. Leo’s driving!
Sagittarius – “Thyroid, tonsils, sore throat, lower lip, sore jaw, or vocal cords” may have troubled you last month, so maybe stop listening to me when I keep saying to kiss strangers. Take a knee on May 10 and just avoid that day (it’s semi-sucking for everyone). Only Leandra is exempt because she’s contractually obligated to hang out with me that evening. Venus and Uranus are “aligning” in your true love sector, btw, so you’ll either find love or celebrate love. And here’s something nice: in addition to S. Millz for calling herself out on sometimes being a Debby Downer (SOMETIMES SUSAN?!) she suggests you buy new clothes. “You will have the ‘wow’ factor now with Venus at your side.” And Uranus.
Capricorn – If there was ever a time to prune your rose bushes into giraffes and whatnot, it’s now. Something to do with Venus being the Martha Stewart of planets in regards to landscaping. And manscaping. (But really, now’s a good time for haircuts and shopping. See if a Sag feels like going to the salon with you.) All month you’re going to also going to feel the effects of Saturn hanging out with Jupiter, which means luck and gifts and unicorns. “A new moon opens months of good energy,” Suz writes. “Begin now and you will be quite memorable on the dance floor in December at the holiday parties.”
Aquarius – If you’ve been scrolling through everyone else’s horoscopes thinking, “Man these are long and boring since they aren’t about me, when will she get to my sign?” then you should know that you could have just skipped down to yours but also, you probably noticed a trend that May 10 is a shitty day for all. You’re no exception. BUT! All of the work you’ve been doing for the past few months will finally pay off this May, in the workplace and in your creative endeavors. “Go for the gold,” writes Susan, who must have been watching the Kentucky Derby whilst penning your horoscope.
Pisces – Jupiter is going to bring you love, happiness, travel, and profit. “Be optimistic,” she stresses. On May 15 a surprise is going to put a smile on your face. On my 28, you should probably hit up Restoration Hardware or, per my intro paragraphica, Ikea. That store really rules. And so do you: “If you’ve ever watched a rocket lift off to space, the booster rocket’s job is to get the rocket into the stratosphere, and then the booster rocket drops away, having done his job. That’s Mars, but when Mars is retrograde, you have to do all the heavy lifting.” She wrote all that. And you know what my analysis is? You are the rocket. And you are also the booster. And I am the walrus, so yada hoo ha happy day.
Aries – Susan seems to feel badly about the whole eclipse-thing that happened during your birthday month — sounds like there were a lot of heartaches and dentist visits among your tribe — and to make up for it, she wants you to shop. If you’re attached, your sig other will be all over you. If you’re single, you might not be much longer. The 15th is an exceptionally good day to makeout with a stranger who could become a friend ifyaknowwhatImean. (Safety first though!) She ends your horoscope with news of a “golden day” on May 30, and says this: “Fly away, drive away, or sail away in the sea-green boat of the Owl and Pussycat. Your venue matters not – just go! It’ll be fun!”
I told you that sailing ad was serendipitous.
Until next month, amigos!
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej