Get in the Zone — Astrology Zone

It’s here it’s here!


Congratulations on making it 7 days into May without your horoscopes. Personally, I don’t know how anyone made any important decisions or signed any papers or made purchases at Ikea without *Susan Miller’s astrological predictions. I also don’t know how I was able to focus on paraphrasing her words for you with the flashing ad for sailing lessons that appears in the periphery of each horoscope, but if that’s not a sign of good things to come for this month then I don’t know what is, baby.

Taurus – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US! Suz starts us off nicely enough with a George Clooney mention (his bday was May 6, so don’t forget to write on his wall or text him because you know how he is), then goes rogue and hits us with news that more or less says our teeth are going to fall out. I wouldn’t worry too much because SOMETIMES she’s wrong. More bad news about relationships — your gf/bf is going to piss you off — bla bla bla, take a road trip trip to fix it. Then she wants us to move quickly at the end of the month. If there is one thing I do not do, it’s move quickly. Jesus Christopher, Suz, can’t a birthday girl get a leisurely break? At least we’re supposedly getting rich at the end-o-May.

Gemini – “You made it through April alive!,” is essentially how Suz starts off your ‘scope. If you had health issues last month, they will be resolved in May. (How lucky for you, because I am about to have no teeth.) However if your incisors fall out, the problem should be fixed fairly quickly thanks to the full moon. “This month is extraordinary for money,” she says of you Twinsibobs, so if I were a Gemini, I’d get my ass on Who Wants to be a Millionaire A$AP. On May 18th, you’ll fall in love. On May 28 she basically forgets my birthday ever happened and gives you guys a new moon, which means you’re going to be alluring and have energy and write a screen play. I think Susan Miller is picking favorites.

Cancer – Crabby patties, were people super nuts around you in April? Suz said it was like “the crazies were coming out of the cage,” but your sign’s not totally clear of the eclipse yet. If you didn’t feel it in April, you might around May 15-ish. The good news (depending on your idea of a good time) is that on May 24, Jupiter and Cancer are going to pee all over everything, although Susan’s actual language was “rinse with golden light.” Pee or no pee, this month is an ideal time to make major moves toward a huge goal of yours.

Leo  –  Do you skateboard? Susan thinks you do. She may be using it as a metaphor, but just in case, have one on deck (badum-cha!) so that you’re “ready to roll” when unexpected progress happens in your various life projects. Speaking of rolling, if anyone’s critical to you around May 10, let it slide, because on May 28 you’re gonna be more popular than a koala bear at a hug convention: so many invitations, so little time. I wonder if this is how Pharrel pheels. End the month with a little road trip — maybe put the cool in school and rent a giant yellow bus to drive all your brand new marsupial friends around.

Virgo – Stick your thumb into the air’s butt like a hitchhiker and hail the school bus your Leo friend is driving around, because this month is all about traveling for you. Suz the Travel Agent wants you to hit up Canada, Mexico, Istanbul, Rio de Janeiro and/or Beijing. “The world is your oyster,” she says, but “don’t eat oysters on months without the letter ‘R’ in them because that’s when they mate.” Actually my aunt Thea says that second part about oyster sex but still. Also, your career is going to flourish, which is good considering you can’t actually pay travel agents and airlines in gum, you liars at Trident Layers.

Libra – May is the healing scab on the bullshit rug-burn that April may have created for you in regards to your relationships. Just don’t be gross and pick it off. I’m just going to skip over May 10th because that’s a shitty day for everyone, and on May 14th note that you may have some real decision making about to do involving money. BUT guess what? You’re about to get a promotion, and that means a potential corner office, no-shoe Tuesdays and moolah. At the end of the month, travel. You might fall in louvre.

Scorpio – You’re either breaking up from a major relationship or strengthening an existing one, and unless I’m reading cross-eyed which I just might be, it sounds like a truth could be revealed that provides a strong push in whatever direction ya’ll were already headed. Someone you love might tell you they love you, though! That’s always fun. It will feel like you’re on the episode of The O.C. where Ryan finally says it to Marissa. Last thing: Susan Miller literally and not figuratively said she’s holding you hostage in July and August, so get out of town NOW. GO. Leo’s driving!

Sagittarius – “Thyroid, tonsils, sore throat, lower lip, sore jaw, or vocal cords” may have troubled you last month, so maybe stop listening to me when I keep saying to kiss strangers. Take a knee on May 10 and just avoid that day (it’s semi-sucking for everyone). Only Leandra is exempt because she’s contractually obligated to hang out with me that evening. Venus and Uranus are “aligning” in your true love sector, btw, so you’ll either find love or celebrate love. And here’s something nice: in addition to S. Millz for calling herself out on sometimes being a Debby Downer (SOMETIMES SUSAN?!) she suggests you buy new clothes. “You will have the ‘wow’ factor now with Venus at your side.” And Uranus.

Capricorn – If there was ever a time to prune your rose bushes into giraffes and whatnot, it’s now. Something to do with Venus being the Martha Stewart of planets in regards to landscaping. And manscaping. (But really, now’s a good time for haircuts and shopping. See if a Sag feels like going to the salon with you.) All month you’re going to also going to feel the effects of Saturn hanging out with Jupiter, which means luck and gifts and unicorns. “A new moon opens months of good energy,” Suz writes. “Begin now and you will be quite memorable on the dance floor in December at the holiday parties.”

Aquarius – If you’ve been scrolling through everyone else’s horoscopes thinking, “Man these are long and boring since they aren’t about me, when will she get to my sign?” then you should know that you could have just skipped down to yours but also, you probably noticed a trend that May 10 is a shitty day for all. You’re no exception. BUT! All of the work you’ve been doing for the past few months will finally pay off this May, in the workplace and in your creative endeavors. “Go for the gold,” writes Susan, who must have been watching the Kentucky Derby whilst penning your horoscope.

Pisces – Jupiter is going to bring you love, happiness, travel, and profit. “Be optimistic,” she stresses. On May 15 a surprise is going to put a smile on your face. On my 28, you should probably hit up Restoration Hardware or, per my intro paragraphica, Ikea. That store really rules. And so do you: “If you’ve ever watched a rocket lift off to space, the booster rocket’s job is to get the rocket into the stratosphere, and then the booster rocket drops away, having done his job. That’s Mars, but when Mars is retrograde, you have to do all the heavy lifting.” She wrote all that. And you know what my analysis is? You are the rocket. And you are also the booster. And I am the walrus, so yada hoo ha happy day.

Aries – Susan seems to feel badly about the whole eclipse-thing that happened during your birthday month — sounds like there were a lot of heartaches and dentist visits among your tribe — and to make up for it, she wants you to shop. If you’re attached, your sig other will be all over you. If you’re single, you might not be much longer. The 15th is an exceptionally good day to makeout with a stranger who could become a friend ifyaknowwhatImean. (Safety first though!) She ends your horoscope with news of a “golden day” on May 30, and says this: “Fly away, drive away, or sail away in the sea-green boat of the Owl and Pussycat. Your venue matters not – just go! It’ll be fun!”

I told you that sailing ad was serendipitous.

Until next month, amigos!

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej 

*The Planet Whisperer fell ill in April (Susan Miller, not me) causing a delay in here Astrology Zone postings. We wish her a speedy recovery and send her all our good thoughts!

Get more Humor ?
  • I haven’t been to the dentist in far too long, so she is probably right about my teeth falling out. Where’s the link to the whole enchilada? I want to know what she says about now having to pay for health insurance. 26 seems fun already!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL THE MAY BABIES <3

    • What day for you?!

      • may 12th!

        • Ahh! You, me and Amelia are all next week!

          • We WOULD all be next week. So us. Happy early birthday! Want to switch ages?

          • Quinn Halman

            Now I have birthday month fomo. is that even a thing? Whatever, us April babies just warmed up the earth for ya

          • Your mom was so selfish for not just waiting a little bit longer.

          • Quinn Halman

            well, actually I was two weeks late, she was in labour for two days, and I cracked one of her ribs while coming out so…

          • You should be ashamed of yourself!! (JK). Give yo mama extra hugs this weekend.

          • I used to have Birthday FOMO with Grace Kelly until I realized that May and November babies share an odd, telepathic energy. For example, I can generally guess whether or not someone’s birthday is in November because they give off the same aura as that of a May.

          • Are you sure you wanna be 18………..? I guess it’s better than the current 17 but, I don’t know, it’s still not 21.

          • I’ll take 20,21, and 23. So let’s chat then. YOU GET TO GO TO COLLEGE THOUGH!!!

  • GapToothedGirl

    Great horoscopes! I’m pisces. Love, Gap

  • May bitches gonna be rich yeeee

  • As a Gemini, I’m totally okay with my ‘scope for the month. Bring in the money!

  • Sorry this is kind of random and a lot to ask for, but do you think you ladies could do an MRHQ your post? I saw the Instagram photo today and it looks gorgeous! Xx

  • annekatherine

    George Clooney’s birthday is May 6, not May 8. Just saying.

    • Amelia Diamond

      So it is! May 8 is Leandra’s partner-in-sex’s bday and I often confuse him with George Cloonez.

      • annekatherine

        I’m only able to remember because my birthday is the 6th. 🙂

        • Amelia Diamond

          WELL HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • Amelia you are the 17th, right? I have to remember this stuff.

          • Amelia Diamond

            YES!!! <3 good memory

          • Norwegian National Day BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY AMELIA DIAMOND’S BDAY.

            May is the best month for birthdays.

          • annekatherine

            Thanks. 🙂

  • Ruchika

    8th may is enrique’s birthday too ; in a Matter of factedly way. And its mine too. Yay.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Happy birthday!!!

  • Quinn Halman

    Wait, Amelia, this is scary accurate. I did have a dentist appointment in April and on the 15th I’m going to the HAIM concert. And apparently get some. Cool

  • Joselinne Mora

    this is so hilarious i can’t take it

    • Amelia Diamond


  • Tracy

    Happy Birthday to you, may babes!

  • Mae

    Ok so I am a rocket. Got it!

    And happy bday to any may babes ^^

  • kirbybee

    I did make it through April alive, thanks Ms Miller. And I really hope you’re on the money (pun intended) for Gemini’s this month, because my wish list at Book Depository just hit thirteen pages.

  • Hmmm, I’d better start carrying around some paper towels for when I start peeing everywhere, I am a Cancer. Very funny post, I like this horoscope much better, but I really don’t want to pee anywhere, even if it’s golden.

    • Amelia Diamond

      You won’t pee! the planets wilL!

      • Yes, just being silly. Me, my planet, one in the same when you are a Cancer. This is why we are crazy. Ruled by our moon ;))

        • Amelia Diamond

          Well I love that! Pee away Alexis!

  • Alejandra Becerra Juarez

    This is the first time I read a horoscope interpreted in the same way that I understand when I read mine hahaha I love it!

    • Amelia Diamond

      !!! horray!

  • Deborah

    I’m a libra. I like your version of SM’s horoscopes better. You definitely said it best when you described this month of May as being the healing scab that the bullshit rug burn month, April, caused. That full moon or eclipse coming up on May 10th sounds like a real effin’ kill joy for all of us.

  • Charlotte Fassler

    GEMINI for the win! You made it sound much more interesting and exciting because when I read Suz it sounded sort of generic 🙁

    • Amelia Diamond


  • Rosaly

    So if im getting luck should i still study for my finals?

    • Amelia Diamond

      ………ummm…….just in case and so your parents don’t kill me, yes.

    • I say no, no, no!

  • Jake

    May 28 is my Birthday !!!!!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      Happy birthday Jake!

  • Kate Wilson

    I’m virgo so I’m quite excited for this month now! x