Going Rogue on April Horoscopes

Because SOMEONE (*cough* Susan Miller*cough*) didn’t post theirs today.


Get ready to bash your knees into coffee tables both literally and proverbially this month because Tricky Bitch is April’s middle name. Susan Miller predicted a shit-storm at the end of everyone’s March Horoscopes, and she’s already fulfilled her own prophecy by NOT PUTTING UP HOROSCOPES FOR THIS MONTH. Do you know what this means? I’m going to have to do it all by myself, without her help, and I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. You be the judge. Here goes nothing:

So Aries, you’re a cranky horned animal right? The LAries David  of the Zodiac world, if you will. Great, we’ll get along. Last month Suzaroo said you’re getting a new moon at the end of March which will be conjunct with Uranus, thus causing some major events that might be good or bad — 50/50 threats are fun! — but the episode will definitely be strange regardless. “With Uranus,” she concludes, “you never know which end is up.” Ain’t that the truth. Happy birthday!

Thanks a LOT, Lazy Susan, for your utter lack of sympathy toward Team Taurus‘ astrological profile this month. I really needed you today. We needed you. But since I like you, I’m going to assume that you’re working extra hard on next month’s ‘scopes since it’s all about The Bull for May. On behalf of all other Taurii, I’d like to request that you say only nice things and use the word “spectacular” a lot, and in the meantime let’s just assume that April is gonna rule for us.

Ge-minifridge, you had a “difficult new moon on March 30” that may have involved “a lover, friend, or lover,” according to The Suz. Judging by the fact that she wrote “lover” twice, I’m going to go head and assume that you are dating a lot of people. And why shouldn’t you? She’s just jealous because you’re young and in love. Since I know nothing else about your sign I’m gonna go ahead and say that April looks divine but you may get some chin acne from making out a lot. That’s okay, it happens!

Alright Cancers, S&M left you with a little bit more info than the rest of us in March’s breakdown but it’s not all sunshine and ceviche. The beginning of April means a shake-up in your career life, and on April 15th an eclipse will affect your home and family but she encourages you to not take action until after May 19. You know what that means? Put up each one of your crab legs and chill the fuck out.

Leonardo DiCaprios, I didn’t feel like reading your thing from last month so let’s say that this April you’ll be looking finer than Seth Mosakowski. Just a real influx of great head-hair days with minimal regrowth in the regions you typically wax. This is because Venus is stalking you and Mercury’s napping and bla bla bla Susan please come back.

Disco InVirgo, don’t be mad but I didn’t read yours from March either. Let’s just say that Mars is going to come in like a wrecking ball with a little Miley Cyrus riding on top, but it’s a good thing, I promise, because this is our party and everyone loves that song. April is going to one big, white, flare-legged rhinestoned paint suit, so point your finger in the air and go John Travolta-akimbo.

You better beLibra I actually read your March H-scope…but it gave me nothing. So your sign’s a polar bear, right? You’re lucky because that’s the coolest kind of bear. Literally. All I got from last month’s Snoozy Suze-fest is that a new moon from March 30 means something will come up soon that you didn’t expect. But as Susan said, don’t worry about that which you can’t control, “just open the window and see what flies in.” Unless you live in NYC, which means it will definitely be a pigeon.

Scorpion Bowls are very dangerous drinks to consume when you haven’t eaten during the day. They are common among tacky establishments with lots of nick-nacks on the wall, and are typically ordered at bachelorette parties and/or birthday celebrations. The alcoholic liquid is consumed via three-foot long straws by people in obnoxious pink boas, and once swallowed a lot of WOO-ING commences. I guess that’s not a horoscope so much as it is a definition but hey! Look over there! Pizza!

Well team Sagittarius, Drunk Aunt Suz put your April ‘scope in March’s, so here it is in full:

“Welcome to April – this new moon of March 20 will give you a preview of the hardest month of 2014. There are two eclipses due next month, one April 15, which will focus you on a friend (maybe the same one) and April 29, which will be about your work projects and health. This new moon will give you hints of what is to come. We are all in this together, so all we can do is open the window and see what flies in.”

Don’t shoot the messenger!!!!!!

Capricorn, why so forlorn? Are your shoes worn? Where’s your horn? (I’m so sorry guys. Susan will be back next month I swear.) In your March breakdown Suz hinted that you may be slightly less affected than everyone else this month by all the asshole eclipses, and therefor you’ll be put in the helper role. This will be just like when you got to be the helper in kindergarten, so wear your badge of honor proudly and remember that the rest of us NEED YOU! You’re the only one of us who knows how to spell!

QUICK, Aquarius! You’ve got Venus in your sector for exactly four more days, so make it count in the looks department. Need a haircut? Get it now. Want plastic surgery? You don’t need it, but if you insist make your appointment NOW. This is from your actual leftover March horoscope, so don’t make me say “I told you so” come May when you’re crying about the blowout that was too little too late.

SPisces Girls, you got an awful lot of attention last month because you just had a birthday, so I’m just going to completely make shit up for you this time. Saturn’s going to be two-stepping in your house of roofs-be-raised, meanwhile Jupiter ate too much cake during March so it doesn’t really feel like moving this April. Be the swimming pool that you know you can be, you ethereal water sign. And come May, I promise, you’ll find love in a hopeless place.

…How’d I do?

Left: Shot by Patrick Demarchelier, Vogue Paris Right: Shot by Chris Nicholls, Flare Magazine

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  • Lauren

    Get her Susan’s iphone app — April was up at midnight last night!

    • Amelia Diamond


  • lavieenliz

    such a cool pic

    doing a giveaway on my blog!


  • Dominique

    Im a taurus, but not sure it was applicable to me !;)


    • Amelia Diamond

      it our birthday soon, be patient!

  • I’m going John Travolta-akimbo!

  • emmy

    I’m an Aquarius… better move fast!

    check out my fashion blog – http://glamchowderfashion.wordpress.com

  • Aubrey Green

    You did awesome!

    I’m a Sagittarius and this month doesn’t look promising. Also, I just realized that Sagittarius has the word Sagit(really Saget, but still, as in Bob Saget), not sure if that’s a good thing. I keep pronouncing it, Sagetarius now, this month really does suck.

    On a lighter note, how do you pronounce Tapatio(the hot sauce)? My friend (who is Hispanic) said she thinks white people (such as myself) pronounce it as, TA-PATIO; which is hilarious and now the only way I do pronounce it.

  • carlota
  • Lauren Connelly

    I’m such a sucker for horoscopes and if according to this, I’ll be partying Miley Cyrus style all month long then that’s alright by me. Bottoms UP! (or out, amirite Miley?) xx


  • hahahaha awesome post<3

  • This is. Just. Beautiful writing.

  • Francisc
  • roxanabanana

    This should be published. now.