A good wedding date is incredibly hard to find — more elusive, I’d argue, than the mythical, perfect man. The number one definer of a good wedding date is pure fact: he has to dance. That he dance well, however, is not a requirement. You’ve got to pick your battles in life (and getting a guy to attend a wedding with you is akin to the Battle of Gettysburg) so if he’s willing to get on the linoleum floor to shake the cake that the good lord gave him, then fine. I’m happy. No complaints.
On the other hand, should this wedding be the determining moment wherein you decide if you’re actually attracted to your date, he’s going to need some very specific moves. The Washington Post reported on a recent study by the researchers at Northumbria University and the University of Gottingen that pinpointed “what women want on the dance floor” in regards to choosing a mate. Let’s review this graphic together:
Right. So first I would just like to say thank you to the evolutionary scientists that are spending their time researching d-floor magic. I truly mean that. Next, I would like to point out that this graphic makes absolutely no sense to me (apparently it makes no sense to them either judging by the large purple question-mark above figure c’s head), as it demonstrates nothing other than that “ability” is attributed to a wobbling, drunken hot dog with possible joint pain in his knee.
Luckily, video visuals were provided as well, probably created using one of those XBox programs that somehow track your moves. The “scientists” gave male participants a singular drum beat and somehow came up with these two spectrums. Let’s watch together.
Here’s a “Good Dancer”:
And here’s the “Bad Dancer”:
But what the study failed to take into consideration is actual song choice! Remember, the researchers only provided them with a singular drum beat. The means like — bump, bump, bump, bump. What about melody? What about the words? What about about the chorus? I thought this was science! Let’s watch again, but this time with music.
Good dancer: (Click play but watch the dancing man video below. Do not get distracted by Chevy Chase.)
(Repeat video until song ends.)
Now stop the first track, and listen to this Drake song while watching Bad Dancer:
(Again, repeat video until song ends.)
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
While our “Good Dancer” still looks awesome, our “Bad Dancer” is suddenly portrayed as though he’s got some nice, casual moves. He’s not showing off, which is great if you don’t want Center-of-the-Party-Guy.
Also, Drake is really hard to dance to! “Bad Dancer” nailed it! Doesn’t this freaky figure with a Ken Doll torso suddenly seem to have — dare I say it — swag? In disproving this scientific theory, I’ve simply re-underlined my very first point that for a man be an above-average wedding date, he simply has to dance. And to be considered for life-partnership? He just needs the right song.
Sorry science. Drake wins again. Happy Hump Day!
(And if you find any other songs that add further evidence that any dancing is good dancing, let us know.)
Image via Vogue