If I get one more email informing me that I have 30% off site-wide [insert e-store here] I am either going to stab myself in the knee or burn every bank card I have until this point accrued so to secure that my cash money remains just that: cash money.
Kidding, guys, I’m totally kidding. I love Cyber Monday more than I do my own elbows. And If I were Kristen Wiig’s late Surprise Party character on SNL, right now you’d see the semblance between her yelling “I’m so FREAKIN’ EXCITED” and my own. But why the excitement?
Because I’m Jewish! Duh! Nothing riles me up more than a discount, even if the marked-down item in question is still incredibly expensive, just not as expensive as it was before. Evidently, I am also a sucker — and in case you’ve already peeked through the above slideshow and are wondering which spoils I’ve officially made my own, you’re right to think those there burgundy suede and orange patent leather and acid yellow square toe Nicholas Kirkwood pumps have my name written all over them.
Before we proceed, here’s something to consider: if this were just ten years ago, my bet is that running around yelling “Cyber Monday” would probably force you to think that today is the day the world’s largest internet orgy is taking place, right? That alone should make sitting back, losing cash and marveling in the mere fact that no sexually digitized infections are going around considerably easier.
Glad we got that out of the way. They’re grouped by price in descending order so if you’re looking at that black Chloé skirt thinking, “What!?!?!?!?? $2,970?” don’t worry, that’s a special “enchilada” offering that I don’t actually assume you will — or should — buy. It’s just so damn pretty and makes me want to become a dumpster-diving ballerina. You can sympathize with that, can’t you? Also on the WTF scale: that burgundy Margiela motorcycle jacket which is now $952 but, but, but an additional 20% off the ticketed price at checkout until midnight. I’m not saying do it, but I’m also not saying don’t.
Where things are slightly but not much more affordable: you can now have a red Saint Laurent iPad case for $595. It will moonlight as a clutch. If you hate moonlighting because it reminds you of bare asses, how about Pierre Hardy’s suede, four tone clutch, which is now $522? It’s holiday time, people. Forget regret or life is yours to miss.
In a territory I’ll call Under 500, we have the aforementioned Nicholas Kirkwood pumps for $497, Chloé mid-heels for French people only $469, an Opening Ceremony jacket that will not keep your legs warm but will make your neck look cool — pun intended — for $452 and a Stella Jean Coat for $450 that actually might. And because gluttony is in this month, how about a Shorouk ring for $450 or Saint Laurent sneakers for $401? No? Okay. Whatever.
For under $400 you can score your very own MM6 wool jacket for $398, a Stella McCartney candy clutch for $393, a J.W Anderson mohair sweater that could very well double as a jacket because that shit warm for $391, the most magical Delpozo top for $360 or a Phillip Lim cosmetic case, one that also maintains the ability to be something it is not for $346.
For under $300, we’ve got you covered with an Isabel Marant fuzzy-ass sweater for $284, a Carven crossover button up for $270, a red and pink Marni Dress that is perfect for girls who like to pretend to be ladies for a mere $248, Dannijo earrings for $241, Valentino Boots for $239, a Chloé shirt dress for $239, a Tibi Skirt for $227, and [insert breath here] a Pink Carven Skirt for $210.
At under $200 how about a pair of sunglasses? They’re by the Row. Or pumps? Also of the Marni variety? They’ve got straps and they’re $151. You can take the J.Crew half denim varsity jacket for $150, or a pink Suno shirt dress for $137. There’s a clutch, by Santi, for $130 and, drum roll please: some Isabel Marant jeans, now $100.
And finally, because, again, you might want to masquerade as a lady, here are leather gloves from J. Crew for $82. To tickle your blogger bone, Phillip Lim’s now ubiquitous I Love Nueva York tee is $81 and that’s a wrap. Where you going? What you doing? Tell me everything. Leave nothing out.
Feature image via Vogue Italia, shot by Steven Meisel