The Empress Has Spoken

A diva is a female version of a hustler


There’s a meme going around the Internet that reads, “Beyoncé has the same amount of hours in a day as you do.” If we didn’t find it palpable previous to this morning’s surprise full album drop, it sure is hard to digest now. In a mere matter of hours, this crazy global communication system we call the Internet has become the Beyonternet.

So let’s take a moment to review some of the things I’ve done during some of my hours, shall we? On Sunday I ate oatmeal but didn’t finish it and then kind of forgot about it, so it dried up and then I had to run hot water over it again and then scrape the cement into my sink, which then clogged, and so I called a plumber. Wednesday I found a nickel! And this morning I brushed my teeth.

Beyoncé, on the other hand, went rogue and released an album like, “SURPRISE!” How the ass did she do it? How did the most watched gift ever given to our solar system create a body of 14 songs and 17 music videos all while touring, breast feeding, Instagramming and generally living whereas the greatest thing I’ve accomplished this year let alone today is finally, finally, getting that weird freckle looked at (which, I’ll have you know, turned out to be a sprinkle).

It is possible that Beyoncé exists on a plane separate from one of human comprehension. Where we are able to process the first through second dimensions and exist in the third, Beyoncé sits above the fourth. On this plane of which she presides, time as we know it is incorporeal. She’s able to pass in and out of our universe for blocks of time that we might consider centuries, but her ability to manipulate our cognitive hours allows her to permeate our mind space without us realizing she’s been gone.

That or she has an identical twin.

Without further ado, we at Team MR give you a series of one sentence reviews of the eponymous album.

Pretty Hurts Sometimes it feels like she’s looking directly through our souls and in a quiet, motherly, soothing inflection, saying “I know.”

Haunted Had this been anyone else’s music video: gratuitous eroticism. Since it’s Beyoncé’s: pure glamour. Also, damn.

Drunk In Love (feat. Jay Z) Nominating this to be the first one club-remixed and my right arm cannot wait.

Blow Sorry I actually didn’t listen to this song yet because my ears don’t work when Beyoncé LOOKS LIKE THIS.

No Angel “No I’m not an angel either but at least I’m trying,” she sings. LOL I love when she pretends to be “one of us.”

Partition Eradicate the madonna/whore complex with one play of this track and just feel S E X Y.

Ghost A haunting song, a mesmerizing video.

Jealous Lyrics sure to be in about 8 million people’s Instagram profiles.

Rocket think this song may be about sex.

Yoncé Joan Smalls, Chanel Iman & Jourdan Dunn…PLUS BEYONCÉ. My computer just exploded.

Mine (feat. Drake) Make a baby, thank me later.

XO Ummm, Jay? Beyoncé is on the phone, she wants to talk to you.

Grown Woman If this had been the Pepsi commercial, I would have become a cola convert.

***Flawless (feat. Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche) Bump-it-in-your-car-with-the-window-down female ANTHEM.

Superpower (feat. Frank Ocean) Play this while you have a long avenue stretching in front of you and a little bit of time to walk slower than normal and just fucking strut, man. STRUT.

Heaven I need to lie down with this song and take a minute. And then cry.

Blue (feat. Blue Ivy) This song is perfect so allow us to babble beyond one second as we wrap up the album that will essentially become the soundtrack to our lives: Leandra and I once hypothesized that when we die, a little piece of us becomes Beyoncé. Beyoncé is therefore the heavens and the stars; we, the matter; and all of us — each and everyone of of us — a culmination of something more beautiful and great than the dimensions on this planet allow.

I think that’s why everyone loves her so much. Beyoncé is us.

Or are we… Blue Ivy?

Ok, your turn. Review the songs, the videos, and tell us which one(s) will be on repeat for the rest of your life.

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  • CDJ

    The second I found out about the surprise, I thought “I cannot wait to see what Man Repeller does with this one”. I then deleted 3 years worth of pictures from my phone to free up enough gigs for my $16 best-purchase-ever. XO is currently my favorite, and I have since decided to name my children after Beyonce songs instead of Beatles songs. I have to go, I am seeing her exactly one week from today and I have 17 new dances to learn.

  • Te dore

    All 17 videos from her new album here:

  • lemarija

    I just died this morning when I saw this all,too much for my brain and Friday the 13th.
    The only explanation that is racional (and I was just thinking about it today) : She’s NOT from our planet.

    And I love you more for loving B

  • Savannah

    Beyoncé makes good great music and she’s an exceptional performer, however you will never hear me call her my Queen, King, Majesty, Highness, etc. And I will never be subjected to her royal subject. If I have to hear about last night’s release one more time, I just might be sick. You know how something is overly saturated and then you can’t bare to hear of it anymore? Yeah, well it’s just like that.

  • Quinn Halman

    God bless Tina and the beautiful women that have emerged from her vagina. I love Beyoncé (See: comment on “Random Beyoncé) and I love how she owns it. It being herself. She knows she can release an album and have the whole world stop and pay (for it) attention to her and barely anything else.

  • Yonce just killed your fav!

  • Andrew

    Friday the 13th is bad luck? Not when Beyonce exists.

  • She is amazing! I spent last night listening and watching the videos. I got no sleep and look like a zombie at work.. :/

  • Q
  • Cyrena Monique

    Beyoncé slayed everyone today!!! Totally effed up my work flow!

  • Kara

    Oh my, please listen to Blow. That’s one of my absolute favorites off the album. The beat makes you want to bounce like you’ve been teleported back to the 70s in the most stylish fashion. Heaven just… tears… perfection. Of course, anything with Drake just became instantly one of the greatest things to ever bless this planet (aside from anything that Bey herself has been a part of). Overall, one of the best surprise – scratch that, surprise or not – one of the BEST albums I’ve *watched* this year.

    • Kara

      I forgot about XO… how could I forget? Another piece of perfection. Basically, the second my roommates and I heard last night that this was out, we dropped everything gathered on the couch and spent the rest of the night basking in the gloriousness that is Beyonce.

  • nicole

    seriously disturbing perspective on celebrity/idols. i can’t believe you promote such a dis-empowering illusion (we’re down here and this manufactured celebrity pop star idol is up there – greater than us). I’m pretty sure Beyonce does not write her own songs, she has hundreds of millions of dollars and huge teams of people working for her. yes she has talent but so do a lot of people. humans are incredibly talented and unique. it’s just too bad that society is so brainwashed in this idol/worshipper mentality creating a few people with all the money/resources and a whole planet of sheep to follow along. boring.

    • Hannah


      • Joey

        I did, i even purchased it – but i don’t understand your point in answering, although i understanding the point that Nicole is making.

    • Hereshoping Themayanswereright

      Exactly, Nicole.I find celebrity worship incredibly pathetic and repulsive as well. Over the years I’ve known so many hard working,intensely talented artists and musicians who are not famous, Fame is truly the luck of the draw or how much money you have for PR and people to do your bidding so you can tend to the fun creative stuff..But the masses do love to relentlessly worship wealth and perceived glamour, even if no talent is involved (as evidenced by the case of certain big butt reality “stars” we can’t get away from.) or even if the glamorous, wealthy object of worship is actually a piece of crap human being IRL, it doesn’t matter – they blindly worship anyway.I’m really not sure where this mindset comes from since I’ve never had it myself, but I don’t think it will be changing any time soon.

    • KnowlesKnowsbest

      I can see your point in regards to someone like a socialite who is famous because of money and status but does not channel much creative energy.
      However, Beyoncé is an entirely different case. Her talent is mind-blowing and i don’t think she should be discredited just because her fame and status allow her the resources to pull off a stunt like this album.
      She is at the top of her game and should be lauded.

    • CDJ

      I worship God, I worship Beyonce, I worship my grandmothers, I worship my dog. I worship anyone awe-inspiring. I do not discriminate. Just because Beyonce is held on a pedestal by many, does not me those same people don’t also admire other talent, love, and inspiration on a smaller scale. There’s plenty of “OMG YOU ROCK” to go around!

    • Petra

      FINALLY, some brains.

    • Za Basic


  • FadHominem

    Definitely need to look into some of those outfits from the videos! x.o

  • Kiri Yanchenko

    I think I might need to watch all these videos with my dinner tonight! Bring on some Japanese take out!


  • Katja Kozlevčar

    there are human and there are superhuman.

    really like the sound of this album, very electro!

  • Lisa Thomson

    Blue is absolutely gorgeous!

  • Chelsea

    She is a great performer and her songs are interesting, but far from catchy or even revolutionary, as some suggest. In my opinion, Lana del Rey or Stevie Nicks are way above Beyonce on the goddess scale. Beyonce simply doesn’t touch my soul or entrance me like Lana and Stevie do.

  • carrotsandcandysticks

    Beyonce is a music-sensation-goddess hybrid. she is clearly in possession of Hermione’s time turner.

  • What. the. heck. How did she release so many videos?? So crazy..



  • April

    I have no words, you summed that up perfectly!

  • Amelia Diamond is my new favourite writer. I was just LOLing all through the enitre read.

  • Restless Blonde

    After a year, I can say that I know all these songs by heart. And my fav ones are: ‘Drunk in love’ (my friends yesterday said I could dance like Bey on the beach – yay), ‘Blue’ (it gives me so much blessing, warm power), ‘Flawless’ (this song talks to me), Pretty hurts (just because it is so dam* true), ‘No Angel’ (it is sooo ’bout me) and ‘Jealous’ (I think anybody’s been there in one’s life). And yes, I manage to do more things in 24hrs thanks to this sentence about having the same amount of hrs as Bey!