For Halloween

Wear a modest costume, save a life. (I’m referring to your baby’s.)


How did it happen that Halloween would become the official eve of undesired-child-conception? Maybe it’s just me but somehow, a Christian-rooted celebration of Saints and the like doesn’t all that fluidly transform to promiscuous professionals.

When did the Ricky’s superstore come to fruition?

In an effort to debunk the loosely recent perceptions of Halloween, please enjoy in just a scroll, six compelling, creative and most important: modest Halloween costume ideas. This is the stuff contest-winners are made of. It took time and required several enormous spurts of brain power that ultimately came to demonstrate October’s mantra: this holiday does not have to mean baring your all for the sake of conformity.

Quite the contrary, in fact. You can keep your shins covered, heck, even your shoulders should you feel inclined.

Just kidding, guys. I’m totally kidding.

On the one hand though, I get it: why not seize the opportunity to publicly bare your most intimate of negligees on the least judgmental night of the year (though I should warn you that exposed ass-cheek in below-50-degree-weather is always cause for judgement and what’s more? The flu.)

But to that point, I’ve had a hard time understanding why women are willing to spend upward of $150 on costumes made from plastic and polyester for one night’s wear. Why not, and you just tell me if I sound crazy, use Halloween instead as a launch pad for investing. In stock options and commodities. Kidding again, wearable clothes.

You just tell me when the jokes become insufferable. Or have they? I digress.


On the other hand, I ask this: why not use Halloween as simply one more expressive vehicle to demonstrate the inner-workings of our influence? Yes, in the book of man repelling, Halloween is just another opportunity for me (you) to do me (you.) In my case, that means utilizing Mexican painters, Wes Andersen-conjured characters, uncomfortably confrontational screen writers, mobile devices, hit TV-show anomalies and the exquisite pioneer of queen-ing as a verb, as reference points.

To be clear, I’m not sure emulating Steve Jobs is a good idea–going as an iPhone, however, novel as ham.

I recognize and respect that for some, unleashing an inner feline is most important on this eve. And look, if that means baring inner-wear as outerwear, than so be it: the primary goal is self-expression and that can be conveyed in a myriad of weird ass outfits.

If you’re going to do it though, at least do it ironically. Enter queen of Drag: Rupaul. I had the most majestic fish once, I named her Rupaul. She very tragically died after three months. (I tried to change her water while I was drunk.) Shiva just ended, actually.

What you’ll need: a penis but I couldn’t put that in this collage. In addition: some very durable hair spray, Kiki de Montparnasse lingerie (why not?) and when better an opportunity to bust out a $4,000 pair of 57239827 inch Christian Louboutin heels equipped with the obligatory studs and crystals. Choker by Dorothy Perkins.

For Frida Kahlo, you’ll need what is called a “traditional yemenite” scarf from Etsy, flower crown from Rock and Rose (I’d try Asos too though,) Topshop maxi skirt, Kenneth Jay Lane coin necklaces. Stella Jean parrot print short sleeved blouse, faux lashes that are actually not for your eyelashes but rather meant to wear in place of what is probably not a unibrow on your face, definitely one on mine. Bobbi Brown lipstick and Aurelie Bidermann earrings.

For Margot Tenenbaum, you’ll need Marc by Marc Jacobs’ hair pins, Alexander Wang oxfords, copious black eyeliner, an Old Navy striped polo, a J. Crew skirt, faux-fur 60s style jacket by River Island and Falke socks.

As for Larry David, the easiest outfitting of all. You’ll need a pack of razors to shave the crown of your head. I suppose a bald mask is fine too though. As for the clothes, the blazer pictured is Stella McCartney, the sweater is Rag & Bone, the jeans are J Brand, the sneakers are Adidas Originals and the eye-wear be from American Apparel. The cost of this one is pretty damn high but the sweet validations rest in your having done it to celebrate a. Halloween, b. Seinfeld, c. the integrity of wood.

I haven’t quite entirely figured out how to procure Richard Harrow’s face just yet but it’s do-able and highly suggested. Isn’t he great? Now you tell me, what are you thinking for Halloween? Will you dress up? Use any of this advice? Do you even celebrate? I might go as candy corn which is not on here because I just thought of it. So, that’s that.

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