I Never Met a Bow Tie I Didn’t Like

…And this one is of utmost versatility.

 Alex + Eli Bow Tie, $125, Of a Kind.
If Hamish Bowles took a trip to the American West ca. Brokeback Mountain, this is what he would wear. In light of this, I will wear it too. In several different veins. Because you see, the thing that’s so great about an adjustable bow-tie that triples as a necklace and oh, I don’t know, a head piece too, is just that. It triples as other things. That’s a multifunctia-win, a tri-mullet if you will. A suede bang for your buck. I can go on forever. …And if we won’t be banging Bucks, we should at least bang bucks. See what I just did there? See what I did?
Moving forward.
 tank: T by Alexander Wang, belt: J. Crew, jeans: Seven for all Mankind, shoes: Miu Miu
Use #1: Necklace. You might sit dumbfounded, wondering how I could subject myself to an outfit as simple as a tank, jeans and some animal print accessories. Hold your horses, crazy culotte. This photo is a perfect example of the great lengths man repelling can travel. As you can see, my pervy pedophile-provoker smile is offensive in and of itself. I was also very truly committed to having the low bow tie be the star of this outfit, and if that meant a tank and jeans, so be it. At least they’re high waist.
Use #2: Necklace again, but this time as one to display your multi-bowner. 
Use the adjustable bow tie as a means to pile all your bow ties on at once. I always say to really make a trend yours, you have to exploit it. If bow-ties are your thing, layer the shit out of them. 
Also, a note about these photos before I continue. My mom took them so before you go off insulting the quality, know that the woman who brought me to this world once again facilitated my functionality on planet earth. 
For Use #3: An Actual Bowtie. 
blouse and vest: Kimberly Taylor, jeans: Rag & Bone, shoes: Maison Martin Margiela
Wear it with a blouse and pants. I suggest you smile though, the mechanics behind this face may suggest my mother and I were arguing. You would be correct “I’m late for yoga!” She said. “What’s more important, Mom? Yoga or teaching people how to wear adjustable bow ties?” That one flew right over her head.
dress: Kimberly Taylor, shoes: Christian Louboutin
Personal affairs aside, you can also wear it with a little dress and some espadrilles that on the luxury French footwear scale resemble high-heeled sneakers from the Sketcher days. I just compared my Louboutins to Sketchers. Man Repeller: 0, World: 1.
This is also, a good opportunity to mix prints.
sweater: Madewell, blouse: M Missoni. Did I redeem myself with this one?
And finally, 
As a head piece. 
Just kidding, you can barely see it in this one, but you can toterly tell that it’s Kool with a capital K.
t shirt: T by Alexander Wang. Cool, leather braids coming out of a painful close-up of my head! …Is it just me, or is this going to make for the perfect Coachella accessory? Nothing says “this music is great! I love the West Coast!” like a suede bow coming out the side of your head.
To wrap up, I tell you this: There are only 12 left like the bolobowner in the entire world, which means one thing and one thing only. If you get one, we will be perpetually connected by means of adjustable bow tie. You and me, baby. We’ll be like the 12 Tribes of Judah, but more stylish. Though I should note Joseph’s technicolor dream coat could have given us a run for our sweet skill. Order yours here, be my tribe mate. 
I won’t throw you into a snake pit, I swear. (Jewish Bible ref.) Take that, Galliano.
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