It’s been 5 days of fashion. The collections have been cool and all, but something is missing. Or more like someone. And you know we’re nosy so we gotta ask:
WHERE in the name of thick-browed ladies is Cara Delevingne?
We’re starting to get worried. Last season we convinced ourselves that she was a super human who teleported between shows because she was, quite literally, everywhere.
So we’re putting out an Amber Alert.
She’s uncomfortably quiet on Instagram and has lead us to believe she’s in London. Yesterday in lieu of selfies, she gave us an inspirational quote: “Stand up for something you love even if it means to stand alone.” OK, thanks, but where are you?
So we started to cogitate.
Did she ask Rita Ora to fill in for her at DKNY? Has she joined the Witness Protection Program? Is she going to do a death defying cannonball into the Marc Jacobs show?
And then an epiphany struck us (“us” being The Man Repeller Investigative Department for Catfishers and Missing Persons) while discussing Cara’s weird affinity for onesies. “Oh my god,” we cried. “How could we be so blind??”
So cancel the Amber Alert!
Cara IS here! She’s simply been sporting frighteningly realistic BAPE-style onesies of everyone in fashion.
Naomi Campbell at DVF? That was Cara.
Grace Coddington at Victoria Beckham? Just Cara.
The ATL Twins? Cara strikes again (she’s so good she can be two people at once).
Believe us yet? Ok, cool because we don’t want to be the ones saying “We told you so” when the sprightly man we believe to be Bill Cunningham unzips his face to reveal none other than…Cara.
So actually, the real question is, how does she hide the zippers so well? Another cogitation for another day, dear friends.
Oh, and now we ask you: Who else do you think she’s been wearing? And if you don’t believe this theory (which means you must hate true facts, to each their own) then where do YOU think she’s been?
— The Man Repeller Investigative Department for Catfishers and Missing Persons
INSANE photoshopping by Charlotte Fassler