What’s The Sexiest Thing You Own?
I am only asking because I feel very committed to taking it and proving that even the most outwardly sexy article of clothing can be interpreted as conventionally unappealing to the male gaze.
Should I go first? Okay, I will.
There is this black lace under-slip mini dress thing sitting at the bottom of my underwear drawer, almost completely unused and probably feeling like a prostitute. I believe it is not meant to be worn outside of the bedroom but one can never know. There are bikini-style triangular boob cups that are met at the chest by a small, rose gold clasp. The “dress” ends at the same coordinate that my ass begins at, and brushes against that first thigh crease we all harbor. It has spaghetti straps.
I bought it at Victoria’s Secret three years ago under the influence of a friend of mine who has cited Bethenny Frankel as style inspiration. Don’t get me wrong, the reality television queen has a body, but she wears form fitting knee-length dresses completely un-ironically and still considers platform pumps a forward thinking fashion choice (as evidenced, at least, by her constantly wearing them).
One can only guess what her bedroom-related sartorial pursuits look like.
When I made the purchase that might completely obliterate my sartorial pursuits, period, I had just gotten back together with my now husband. The anterior friend suggested that it might be a nice surprise to shock him with a traditionally sexy under thing especially considering — and I quote — how “offensive” I usually look. While offensive isn’t really the operative word that I would use to describe myself, I get what she meant and in a bout of bad judgement, I spent $40 on the damn thing.
When I got home, I tried it on and looked into my reflection. I did not recognize the idiot staring back at me nor did I want to and so considering my losses and surmising that it could have been much worse, I shelved the little dress. My partner-in-sex has never seen it.
Except, of course, for that one time he didn’t know I was wearing it: when I put myself up to a challenge and styled it beneath a mens white oxford that I took from my youngest brother’s closet and blue, polka dotted high waist Acne jeans. I threw a navy blue mongolian fur vest over the look and tried my luck with mid-heel, silver booties that buttoned at the front and therefore looked like an accoutrement pulled for Bette Midler in her role as queen witch in Hocus Pocus.
He didn’t even notice, which means I won the shit out of my self-assigned challenge and I am ready to do it again. So, do let me know what the sexiest thing you own is so that I can recreate it, style it, and blow it out into a big fat FROM MAN GETTER TO MAN REPELLER post.