Of the many Great Fashion Mysteries that have been proposed time and time again, one of the most commonly asked is this: how do style monikers manage to wear seasonably inappropriate clothes each winter — bare legs amidst a snowstorm, sleeveless arms during an icy monsoon — and not turn blue from hypothermia or at the very least avoid looking like a small, shivering dog?
Let it be known that I can only tell you such information due to the government shutdown because no one is monitoring my computer. This shit is classified information, and it’s dangerous. We’re talking Breaking Bad/Glee cross pollination dangerous. (Kindly note that once Government & Co is back in action this Cogitation will destruct and whatever device you read this one will most likely explode.) Here we go:
The secret is lava.
As in — the floor is LAVA and you need to jump from couch to dinner table and if your toe touches ground it turns black and disintegrates. Or, you know, the liquid hot magma that explodes from volcanoes and is responsible for preserving an entire ancient city in one menopausal-rivaling hot flash.
About fifteen years ago, a very fashionable world traveler was helicoptering over the Bay of Naples when Mount Vesuvius erupted. And I don’t know if you’ve ever seen The Exorcist or a baby rejecting his lunch of split pea soup, but when Mount Vesuvius detonates that lava goes eight billion feet in the air faster than an ice pop at a playground. The helicopter above should have been destroyed but something on board saved them all:
A Dolce & Gabbana cape. Swear.
The incident was instantly concealed and contained to a section of government known as Sector 125 TYZVBG where they began immediate research on said Dolce cape. It turns out that something in the magnificently crafted fabric rendered the item of clothing impervious to lava. The cape — said to be large enough that it could cover an entire small family, cloaked all passengers within the aircraft and, in short, saved their lives.
Scientists worked for years unlocking the molecular compounds that allowed lava and Dolce to exist side by side, and while they are still unable to decipher exactly how it works, they were able to create a sort of balm out of the two elements that turned lava and couture into an invisible wax. A faint smell of barbecue is said to emanate but otherwise the substance is completely undetectable on the skin and what’s more: it creates a type of heat insulation that makes your body feel permanently at room temperature despite below-freezing conditions.
And that, my friends, is how we’re able to wear a shearling coat plus gladiator knee highs in the winter sans pants, tights or death.
K gotta go I’m afraid my computer’s about to implode!
(Don’t believe me? What’s your theory? Let it rip in the comments below because I know you’re scientistic too and WE HAVE TO KNOW.)
– Agent Diamond