Have you ever experienced those delayed, unilateral terrors that usually come in the wake of realizing that you are an absolute asshole? I started feeling really, really remorseful about a week ago that when I was twelve, I used to pull the shit out of my eight-year-old brother’s hair. And I know you’re thinking that such an antic would seem fairly typical of a juvenile, brother-sister rivalry but I didn’t just pull. I plucked. Like a sadist or an animal skinner from the depths of hell. So, you know, just ouch.
A week into the new year, it probably seems antithetical that I would suggest you look not at what’s in front of you but at the skeletons you’ve accrued and stowed in your closet heretofore.
I’m going to do it anyway.
This is a safe place — often even a digital confessional devoid of all religious implications — and sometimes, even in spite of the grandiose resolutions we might make to leave IT behind us, shaking off our compasses of personal evil isn’t as easy as scribbling absolutes into a notebook and calling it a new year.
Unless, you know, you’re a sociopath, in which case, I would be happy to lend you my conscience.
But I digress.
The deferred contrition typically manifests while I’m dozing off. It’s like, you’re almost sleeping, almost sleeping, just about there, then bam! One eye pops open and you remember that time your cousin came to meet you and your best friend on a street corner.
Asshole that you are, you told the anterior cousin that you were feeling tired and therefore going home even though what you were actually doing was parting ways with your BFF only to make it appear as though you were separating, when actually, you were meeting at the CVS on First Avenue and high tailing it the fuck over to Three Star Diner once said cousin was out of sight. You would eat ice cream and laugh at the expense of an innocent, wonderful human while the universe plotted your demise.
Nothing says Monday like getting all that which makes you a sinister mastermind off your chest so, please, be a pal and share with us the shittiest thing you’ve ever done. If not to serve as an open apology then at least to make me feel better about how awful I am?
No judgement, just friendship. I forgive you already.