The other weekend I had the good fortune to witness a group of men learning how to pick up women. They seemed to have lots of positive components to their technique: they chose a sunny day, picked a public park, wore their best shoes and as far as my nose could smell, they had showered. What I witnessed was their approach (it appeared polite, direct, if not slightly startling — how often does someone make a beeline as you’re mid-jog and extend their hand in introduction?) but what I failed to hear was their “line.”
I also failed to understand why they hadn’t hit on me yet, which I later learned was because A) they thought I was a lesbian and B) they saw me watching them and thought I was super weird. But once they finally did come over to talk (aka to ask the fair question, “Why are you and your friend STARING at us?”) I found that I too had a question for them, which was: What are you saying to these women?
And you know what they told me? “Hi.”
Hi! Just good old-fashioned “Hi”?!? This wasn’t a tupperware convention or a college orientation, or any other scenario that requires writing your name in black marker on a sticker that begins the sentence of “My name is ____” for you. This was the park! In the summer! And they were wearing nice shoes and trying to meet women!
WHERE — I had to know — ARE YOUR BEST PICK UP LINES?
I mean they really and rightfully thought I was insane. It’s just that some of my best laughs have come from a guy asking, “On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?”
When I broke my shoulder and had my arm in a sling, I prayed someone would ask if it hurt (when I fell from heaven) so that I could kind of slump my arm over and with big, sad eyes be like, “Yea, it did, wanna sign my cast?”
Charlotte told me someone once asked her, “Are you Jewish? Because you Israeli hot.”
My favorite was the time a guy landed a line so wonderfully terrible on my friend I really thought I might have to marry him. “If you were a pirate,” he asked while standing directly next to her, “would you keep you parrot on this shoulder” — he pointed to her left — “or this one?” — and when he said “this one” he stretched his arm over her back so that it slung across both shoulders as though they were at a 1950’s drive-through and he’d just made his big move.
Speaking of big moves, let us not forget Ryan Gosling’s from Crazy Stupid Love, and his ab-laden character who perfected The Patrick Swayze:
And now it’s time for you to pass your favorite lines on to us. Maybe they’re ones you’ve heard, or maybe they’re ones you yourself have delivered. Ain’t no shame in this pick up game, because at the end of the day, we’re all just trying to wear our best shoes out and find something to say other than “Hi.”
— Amelia I’m a Taurus Thanks for Asking Diamond