A guy friend of mine — let’s call him Falcon, he’ll love that — claims he’s almost completely immune to the feeling of awkwardness. I can attest to this because I’ve seen him in some pret-ty weird situations; the dude just rides it out, chill as a cold one straight from his mini fridge.
But I said almost completely immune. There’s one documented account of Falcon feeling awkward, and it’s my favorite story in the history of embarrassing stories:
Falcon and friends used to host a lot of parties in college. Sometimes they hosted them on purpose, sometimes accidentally. One Friday, Falcon accidentally hosted after-hours the night before everyone left for winter break. Come Saturday morning, Falcon’s roommates left for home quite early and our man of the hour was left with a very dirty, albeit quiet and peaceful, apartment.
For whatever reason he wasn’t leaving until later that evening, so Falcon had a leisurely day of doing absolutely whatever he wanted in a home that was very much clothing optional. Around 1 PM he grew restless and bored, which is precisely when the idea to imitate dinosaur noises popped into our hero’s head.
So there Falcon sat, splayed on his couch like a proud ruler of his prehistoric kingdom, shouting various dinosaur noises with abandon, indoor voice and caution of any sort just thrown to the wind. He was a man of no boundaries, no roommates to ask him to keep it down and no girlfriend to ask what the fuck he was doing.
He experimented with the pitch and range of various dinosaurs. He tried the popular Velociraptor scream, the T-rex roar, the Pterodactyl squawk and Triceratops growl — just really letting his vocal chords and imagination have a field day when suddenly, he felt it: that awful suspicion that someone is watching you.
Falcon looked up slowly, mid-snarl of a long-necked dino (or whatever breed Little Foot from The Land Before Time was) and someone, indeed, was watching him.
Two very wide-eyed and alarmed Sophomores were watching him, to be exact, with their heads cocked and mouths agape at what exactly it was they had just witnessed. One of the two girls had left her North Face there the night before and they’d stopped by to retrieve it. Falcon never met them in his life and worst of all, he had no idea how long they’d been standing there.
“Awful,” he said while shaking his head. “It’s the only time I’ve ever felt awkward, and it was awful.”
But it’s also hilarious.
I bet you guys have even better stories though, so go head, write them down in your personal diary of this here Cogitation station and tell us: what was your most awkward moment?
– Amelia Diamond