What if Google Was a Girl?

by Leandra Medine
January 20, 2014
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There was a time before Google existed, and I think they call it The Dark Ages. Now, however, we take the search engine completely for granted.

Still, what’s impossible for my non-mathematically-inclined mind to grasp is exactly how it knows what the hell I’m talking about. Often my search queries read like a large part of my brain is missing. Just the other day I had a song stuck in my head and typed the words, “Song do do do do do la la la.” And wouldn’t you know it, Google found the song.

If I went up to a human and just said, “Song do do do do do la la la,” with the expectation that he or she could solve my blathering, I’d probably get karate chopped.

College Humor considered this very notion in a short called, “What if Google Was a Guy?” In it, people ask an overworked, middle-aged man with stacks of files sitting on either side of his desk, all of the weird questions each of us has absolutely asked.

The video made me wonder: what if Google was a girl? I know that if I, Amelia, were Google, I’d straddle two very different ends of my persona depending on what time of day it was, how much coffee I’d had, and what kind of mood I was in. (Which is actually no different than how I respond to texts.)

Let’s say it was 6:30 AM and someone sent me a Google search that woke me up. “I am sneezing and my cough sounds like qewrthzbzverjkmn, am I going to die?”

My response would be: “Yes.”

I’d essentially be the Internet search engine version of that cranky bartender who, no matter what someone orders, serves either a beer or a shot of vodka, no exceptions. No we don’t have limes. No we don’t have specialty brews on tap. No straws either. Go away.

Unless, of course, someone caught me at a time that was convenient for me…maybe I was a very bored Google that day, so I’d spend hours helping them figure out how many times that kid from The Sandlot appeared in other films.

What if Google really was a girl? How do you think the responses would vary? But even more fun to consider…what if Google was you?

– Amelia Diamond

REPLIES
  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CDJ

    That is a hilarious idea. I already do this passive aggressive thing when my friends ask me those type of questions. For example: one would text me “what time does the movie start tonight?”, and instead of answering them directly, I screen shot my google search to show them, that they too could have put a tad more effort into finding their answer by just googling it. Or… “what’s the address to *insert restaurant name*?” another google screenshot… essentially saying to them: JUST LOOK IT UP YOURSELF!! Now that I am actually typing this out, I feel like a huge bitch. I hope this doesn’t affect my internet friendship with all of you.

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahaha i’ve been tempted to do the same thing!

      • http://www.margottea.be/ Margot

        Haha brilliant. :) CDJ, I do that too! Giving them a “subtle” hint: look it up yourself, I am not Google. But if I was I think I would suck at it, because there are many many amny things I have no clue about ;)

    • Alex Poirier

      You’re not alone. I passive aggressively just text “Google” back to questions like that, haha.

    • Emmy

      :) Let me Google that for you: http://lmgtfy.com/

    • Hanne

      yea it’s just like when someone asks you about the time, and you both just have to take out your phone to check it. but in a way i really don’t mind, it’s kind of a cool way of being in a social situation, because i ask others about the time and they check and tell me and others ask me and i do the checking, and it happens just unconsciously.

  • http://longleggedlady.com/ Jessi de Bergerac

    Sort of related: The other day I asked my bf “what’s that movie with the science place?” and he immediately knew I meant Resident Evil. If you live with someone long enough, they’ll understand you like Google.

  • Kari

    My ex boyfriend treated me like Google, it was endlessly irritating.

  • http://itsnatalieemmah.blogspot.co.uk/ Natalie

    Absolutely brilliant.

  • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

    I treat my husband like Google and he gets irritated, too. But then, I am translating things from HIS mother tongue into mine, most of the day, so surely a girl can ask a question or fifteen when feeling insecure? :-)
    To make up for it, I try to answer his questions whenever possible and will even google answers for him. Like: we both read an article about modern day computer simulators and A Totally Accurate Toilet Simulator gets mentioned. “I wonder how-” he says and next thing he can check it out on YouTube cause his wife googled it before he finished the question. Surely that’s something, too? :-)

  • https://www.etsy.com/shop/amatoriaclothing Amatoria Clothing

    If Google was a girl, would she get annoyed while PMSing, and redirect all questions to photos of violent scenes?

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