There was a time before Google existed, and I think they call it The Dark Ages. Now, however, we take the search engine completely for granted.
Still, what’s impossible for my non-mathematically-inclined mind to grasp is exactly how it knows what the hell I’m talking about. Often my search queries read like a large part of my brain is missing. Just the other day I had a song stuck in my head and typed the words, “Song do do do do do la la la.” And wouldn’t you know it, Google found the song.
If I went up to a human and just said, “Song do do do do do la la la,” with the expectation that he or she could solve my blathering, I’d probably get karate chopped.
College Humor considered this very notion in a short called, “What if Google Was a Guy?“ In it, people ask an overworked, middle-aged man with stacks of files sitting on either side of his desk, all of the weird questions each of us has absolutely asked.
The video made me wonder: what if Google was a girl? I know that if I, Amelia, were Google, I’d straddle two very different ends of my persona depending on what time of day it was, how much coffee I’d had, and what kind of mood I was in. (Which is actually no different than how I respond to texts.)
Let’s say it was 6:30 AM and someone sent me a Google search that woke me up. “I am sneezing and my cough sounds like qewrthzbzverjkmn, am I going to die?”
My response would be: “Yes.”
I’d essentially be the Internet search engine version of that cranky bartender who, no matter what someone orders, serves either a beer or a shot of vodka, no exceptions. No we don’t have limes. No we don’t have specialty brews on tap. No straws either. Go away.
Unless, of course, someone caught me at a time that was convenient for me…maybe I was a very bored Google that day, so I’d spend hours helping them figure out how many times that kid from The Sandlot appeared in other films.
What if Google really was a girl? How do you think the responses would vary? But even more fun to consider…what if Google was you?
– Amelia Diamond