Christmas is historically a tricky day for me.
I suffer from a spectacularly steady case of FOMO and for as long as I’ve known myself, the theory has gone that every time I am wished a merry christmas, an avalanche of misplaced pleasantries are projected unto the well wisher’s unknowing Jewish brethren.
I am always the Jewish brethren.
Though Amelia explained earlier this month that I might actually be the real hero of Christmas, (it was my duty as a child to keep the truth about Santa’s fallibility a secret for the believers and guess what? I did it,) I just can’t shake off how…left out I feel when December 24th rolls around and I’m left with no one but a man taking my order over the phone at one of the three only kosher (and open) Chinese food joints in New York. Don’t get me wrong, it is always beautiful — nothing jerks at my large intestine quite like a substantial helping of vegetable lo mein — but there is no egg nog, there is no tree, yes there is a television channel called Yule Log which plays a fake fire place all night but where’s the spirit, damnit?
In trying to appease my FOMO, I have come up with just one solution and it requires your help.
So, now that you’ve had two days to let your vast Christmas presents sink in, I really, really, really must know WHAT DID YOU GET!?!?!? In order to feel more included, I will not lie to you and say that I didn’t buy me anything. I bought a Dries van Noten mens shirt with a huge shiny embellishment down the right side of the shirt. If your imagination is feeling up to it, I’d like you to picture my nipple having birthed the Oriental-style purple and silver and glittery embroidery then maybe we can all laugh together but not before you tell me WHAT YOU GOT FOR CHRISTMAS.
If the answer is nothing, might I suggest you visit SSENSE, where things are 70% off and you are therefore liable to own at least one nice thing that help you ring in what inevitably comes next? A chip off the old block? Another year, another jumpsuit?
TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!!!
(title image via Vogue Paris)