The only thing that gets me out of bed and hauls my ass to the gym most mornings is the promise of one very special blueberry protein buzz smoothie. Its hue is of the slightly muted indigo variety, made even more spectacular by its lack of food coloring and/or artificial flavoring. It tastes like sunshine and ice-cream, promises the dizzying effects of brain freeze, and strikes the perfect balance between tangy and sweet as facilitated by the combination of blueberries and almond milk. If you need further evidence of its super powers, the inclusion of the buzzword “protein” is something I think my primary care physician would feel good about.
Smoothies are magic mainly because they prove that if you blend together a few of this good earth’s heavenly ingredients, the results will be delicious. They are also a superfood-laden self-expression of individuality and preference, as broadcasted by many a “build your own” juice bar. If you can dream it, you can achieve it.
Are you feeling like a lean mean fighting machine? Toss some greens! Is your monthly houseguest fueling your need for chocolate? We hear cacao powder is best paired with banana. Do Mondays make you berry, berry sad? Blast yo ass with some strawberries and chia seeds. If Juice Press’s Cactus Cooler has taught us anything, it’s that you can throw pretty much anything in a blender. Yes, freaks, even humans!
The proliferation of the smoothie bar and the many #acaibowl concoctions that populate my Instagram feed has inspired me to create my own. I have yet to bring this recipe to fruition, but if I were to build the perfect
man smoothie than this is certainly what he it would consist of:
(Guys, feel free to provide proper measurements as my kitchen sensibilities seem to be stuck in the realm of 3rd grade algebra, or something.)
50% chocolate almond butter [for texture]
15% peanut butter caption crunch flavored cereal milk [for nostalgia]
10% vanilla whey protein powder [for Albert at Soho Strength Lab]
10% banana [for taste]
10% crushed Butterfinger [for YOLO’s sake]
2% cacao nibs [for cleaning out my pantry’s sake]
2% kale [for my primary care physician]
1% LOVE [for my mother]
I’d drink this smoothie religiously. Heck, I’d even embark on a liquid diet if this promised to be my daily staple. But first, I need somebody to buy me a Vitamix. Those things run $$$teep. Bueller? And second, tell me: if you were your perfect smoothie, what would you be?