Ah, October 21st.
This date may seem of no importance to the untrained calendrical eye other than the fact that in 1931 a woman named Vivian Pickles was born, but it marks the start of two very important annual happenings.
1) I purchase my inaugural* hot coffee thus transitioning out of its iced version and officially, reluctantly, bravely waving adieu to warmer days.
2) Lip season begins. And with it comes a vicious cycle.
I have applied mouth moisturizer maybe 100 times since I came in to work today, and before that I applied about 10 times from the moment I woke up. It may actually be physically impossible for my lips to ever reach the point of chapping because I am applying so consistently.
My preferred brand is Palmer’s Cocoa Butter. It’s in a big fat white tube that looks like I’m applying a glue stick instead of salve to my mouth. Because my lipchap is so large and assuming, my obsessive compulsive habit doesn’t exactly go unnoticed. If I could count the number of times someone asked, “Why are you putting glue on your lips,” then I would have a very long list of people I’d like to smack with a yoga mat. If I could count the number of times these same individuals have asked why I just applied glue for the thousandth time in a one hour span, then I would be Albert Einstein in my high-counting abilities.
But I can’t help it. The combination of autumnal chill and dry heat from old radiators makes me feel like Spongebob the first time he visited Sandy in her water-free bubble and started to shrivel up from dehydration. It’s completely in my head and yet — I am not afraid to tell you that if someone comes in for a forward-facing kiss his takeaway will most likely be, “Wow. Her lips were not only appropriately hydrated but I get the feeling that they are never not hydrated.” This person may also tell you that he detects the faintest hint of vanilla because that cocoa butter situation is delicious.
My kissing and compulsive habits aside, I’m well aware that I am not the only one who reapplies lipchap with manic vigor. Katy Perry sang about cherry ChapStick so I know that got locked into your subconscious somewhere, and despite the rumor that Carmex will make your lips more chapped, I have friends who worship at its medicinal alter.
What about you guys? What’s your weapon of choice in the fight against the self-manufactured chapped-lip phobia? Are you as insane about it as I am? Better? Worse? Is it confined to one season or are you a year-round lip balm-aholic?
Tell me! Then let’s play spin the bottle! But no tongue you perverts.
*Man Repeller Mandate states that I can use this word exactly as I did above because if Obama can be inaugurated twice, so too can my coffee.
— Amelia Diamond