The Great (Albeit Trivial) Lament

by Leandra Medine
July 21, 2014
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sad_angryThere’s a difference between the things we hate and the things we Hate. From the latter camp, you might find untimely death, theft, or blatantly sinister activity, whereas the former camps tends to encompass our personal, albeit juvenile aversions toward plebeian and seemingly innocuous things like, say, spices, places or people – like Amelia – with annoying faces.

What I have recently noticed is how much more vengefully visceral my reaction is to the stuff that hails from the first, much more trivial camp. Tell me an 85-year-old peace activist has been robbed of everything he or she is worth by a teenage scoundrel who attended private school on the Upper East Side and I will clench my teeth and fists in frustration. That shit is absurd! Absolutely atrocious! But the reaction stops there. Tell me, however, that I have to go to the Post Office to pick something up and you might find that I have metamorphosed into a fire eating dragon who speaks English but not that well.

Make sense?

To help illustrate this point, here are two gifs.

Response to news of evil prevailing:

LCcryinggif

Response to finding parsley in my salad:

Tyra Angry Gif

How about now?

No?

That’s because it’s preposterous! But it is true what they say, you know, that misery loves company. And I? I adore a pity party, so in the interest of softening the blow of the skin doctor appointment I must attend in an hour and the following visit to a bank I must pay (pun wholly intended) to request a new check book, let’s rattle off personal top five lists of the trite-ass things we hate.

I’ll go first.

1. Parsley

2. Any bureaucratic office that requires substantial waiting and the promise of absolutely nothing in return

3. Traffic

4. Unpacking to find clothes wrinkled beyond the repair of an iron

5. The elliptical.

Whew, that feels good. Take a load off.

Image on the left courtesy of Vogue.com, photograph by Bruce Weber, Image on the right shot by Julia Kennedy for TANK

– Leandra Medine

REPLIES
  • Grace

    1. Chocolate cakes loaded with chocolate shavings and chips and ridiculous accoutrements (whatever happened to a simple chocolate ganache cake?).

    2. People (ahem tourists) who stop in the middle of the street.

    3. People who don’t hang up or pause their call when they’re at the cashier/counter.

    4. Self-proclaimed “foodies”

    5. Offal

    BAH MONDAYS

    • Lyric

      Yes to #3!! I just started speaking in a normal voice to them instead of trying to whisper/gesture.

  • Mattie Kahn

    “Wintry mix”

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    First off, is this Amelia speaking?

    Second, what about parsley’s cousin from the family Apiaceae, cilantro? Similar aversion?

    • Amelia Diamond

      1. LeanDUH
      2. I love cilantro

      • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

        1. Silly me! I should have known

        2. Me too. I sometimes eat it as a TV snack…….

  • Amelia Diamond

    1. Steel Drums / Cruise music
    2. Sharing
    3. Sandy Kenyon’s movie reviews
    4. When Hayden Panettiere says, “Bored? Go wash your face!” in that face wash commercial
    5. Doing things

    • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

      what about cruise hair braids?

      • Amelia Diamond

        those are allowed

    • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

      Ugh steel drums are disgusting! If steel drums are playing, cheesy people will find them. It’s actually a remarkable result of magnetism.

      • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

        wait. guys, i think i really like steel drums…..

  • Tash

    1. Cilantro
    2. Poorly made/burnt coffee. Especially on Monday.
    3. Hipsters. The jerk kind who offer goji berries as finger food at a party.
    4. Girls who claim other girls who go braless are “disgusting”. (I’ve met a few of that opinion.)
    5. Disappointing cookies/cupcakes/brownies.

    • Amélia

      I’m with you on the poorly made coffee one ! Hate hate it !

    • starryhye

      Cilantro is the worst!
      I also had a very disappointing milkshake yesterday, so I’m on board with that too.

      • Tash

        Agreed on the milkshake thing! When I treat myself to a shake, it better be freaking amazing!

    • http://www.ellierockhill.com Ellie Rockhill

      #3 hahahaha yessss

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    1. bananas
    2. waiting in line, anywhere. sometimes i leave after i order something if it takes too long.
    3. people who post their car dashboard to show the temperature, as if their car is the only car experiencing such extremes.
    4. when people see me walking my dog and assume i want to talk to them about their dog.
    5. bananas

    • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

      i’m going to replace my 2nd bananas post with sallie fucking mae.

  • http://www.itscarmen.com ≈ CARMEN ≈

    I’m going to have to concur with the traffic one. I basically detest anything where I am forced to wait for extended periods of time. This includes traffic, post offices, & the DMV. :] // itsCarmen.com ☼

  • MSCFBeeches

    1. commuting on the nyc subway, which fills me with quiet but violent rage

    2. when people make sandwiches and stupidly stack the ingredients in a nonsensical arrangement that makes everything slip out

    3. when people say “SANGwich” and “saL-mon”…O_O *NERD RAAAGGEEE!!!*

    mysocalledfashion.com

    • Tara Edie

      Do people actually say SANGwich?!?? Eww!! What about Pe-elow for pillow.

      http://www.southbysunset.com

      • MSCFBeeches

        lol yes they do!!! never heard pe-elow, though. and i pray to the powers that i never do.

  • nana

    1. people, who suddenly stop, after they went off an escalator.
    2. people talking to other people SO loud, as if the whole world needed to hear their story (happens preferably with the other one on the cell phone).
    3. strawberry icecream
    4. too fruity perfumes on women (co-exists with generous usage of it).
    5. kale

    • Lyric

      #4 always reminds me of middle school/early high school when all us girls were really into bath and body works.

    • Elisheva

      #1 drives me crazy too, I have been known to yell at other people in this situation.

  • Jenna Calderone

    1. Being around people who are eating snacky foods (misophonia is a real thing)
    2. People who don’t use their blinkers
    3. The feeling of wet socks
    4. When people shorten the word “sorority” to “srat” and the whole concept of monogramming your every possession (sorority culture is enormous down south)
    5. Dropping my cell phone/iPod/bagel under the seat whilst driving

    • http://www.ellierockhill.com Ellie Rockhill

      the sorority thing though. so much of my heart is in deep, angry agreement with you. ugh.

  • Emma

    1. Noise when I want to sleep
    2. Major delays when traveling
    3. People who spit in public places (they do that a lot here in Sweden)
    4. Snuff tobacco (put under the lip so they look like ant-eaters): also a common sight in Sweden, and which often results in spitting (3)
    5. Packaging material which is almost impossible to open (i.e. requiring major tools)

  • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

    1. garlic
    2. wild garlic
    3. onion (shallot, leek, chive …)
    4. meat/sausages (avec/sans garlic) stench/reek/malodor
    5. stench/reek/malodor
    6. lack of sleep

  • ee_by_cc

    The word “moist”…*shudder*

    http://www.enduringethereal.com

  • Emily

    1. Parsley

    2. Doors that don’t make it clear whether to push or pull

    3. Contests that make you like their Facbook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and Tumblr, sign up for their emails and use an #insanelylonghashtagthatisfullofgrammaticalerrors on all of your social media posts

    4. Zumba

    5. 5 item limit dressing rooms

  • beeskneestrees.tumblr.com

    Happily ordering my one salad of the day, only to find it’s composed almost entirely of things that look like tumbleweeds. Why, Alice Waters, why?!?

  • Amélia

    1 – When I ask for a Coca-Cola in a bar and the waiter answers: “We don’t have Coca-Cola. Pepsi ?”

    2 – Selfies in bikinis/sports clothing followed by hashtags like #preworkout #pt #fit #summerproject #workout (and I just copied these from a sample!)
    3 – Hate waiting too – traffic included.

  • ShanIsRad

    1. Olives
    2. Tourists that stand in, and block the middle of the crosswalk, when they have the walk signal.
    3. Coconut
    4. My student loans
    5. Polar Vortex

    • http://instagram.com/funshine_sky bunnygrrrl3000

      I work in the DC Chinatown and I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. That fucking arch sucks anyways for real.

  • Hereshoping Themayanswereright

    When you’re tracking a package and the PO says it’s been delivered on Sat at 1:35 pm and you FKING KNOW it was NOT delivered because you were home and watching for your goodies. So you wait and it is still not here on Mon, then you call to report it non delivered and they repeat the lying ass tracking info to you that it has already been delivered Sat. After reporting it missing and all the hassle and stress, it then turns up Tues. WHY are they allowed to document delivery confirmation that HAS NOT actually occurred?? This has happened to me SO many times and it never gets less infuriating!

    • midgesterious

      that has never happened to me and i order shit through USPS all the time. They must just hate you.

      • Hereshoping Themayanswereright

        Oooooh goodie goodie for you!… how special!!!

        • midgesterious

          i was not implying I am special for having no problems with USPS but rather that it is the norm and u are the special one as they must have a secret vendetta against you to repeatedly fail to deliver ur goods properly

        • midgesterious

          I suggest you make haste with a sacrifice to appease the Postal Gods

          • midgesterious

            and may they have mercy on your soul

  • http://dolceandgabriella.wordpress.com Gigi Gastevich

    1. People who pass me on the road

    2. Being put on hold on the phone

    3. Little diced green peppers (I can handle diced red peppers. I can handle sliced green peppers. But put diced green peppers on my pizza and I will throw a fit.)

    4. Spilling something on my clothes

    5. Going to the grocery store

    Love this excuse to rant about the things I HATE on a Monday. Thanks, Leandra!
    Dolce and Gabriella

  • Melissa

    1. When my coworkers make half caff instead of regular coffee.
    2. People who stand too close to you in line, like I can feel your breath on the back of my neck close.
    3. “The Wedge.” When two cars drive at exactly the same speed down both lanes of the street thus rendering it impossible to pass on either side.
    4. When I lay my outfit out for the next day only to find my dog decided to snuggle up with it and it is covered in dog hair.
    5. Allergy season.

  • Lyric

    1. White girls in Native American headdresses
    2. People who walk their dogs offleash downtown
    3. Parents who let their children run around at restaurants/stores
    4. People who speed up to block you in when you turn on your blinker
    5. When cars get on the on-ramp at like 30 miles an hour and you have to try to merge on the highway going super slow behind them.

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    1. Peanut butter
    2. Gyms
    3. Moms who feel so self-righteous about their goddamn brats. (You know the ones: they think that their little twerp is allowed to pull your hair because it’s “part of Lil Joey’s sensory development.”)
    4. ESPN
    5. SUVs with shitty gas mileage with only 1 or 2 passengers. If you’re gonna drive that shit, you better fill it to the freakin’ brim.

  • http://www.dominiquecandido.com Dominique
  • Lauren Ann Long

    1. People who want to tell you about their dream from last night in detail.
    2. Oranges
    3. Proactiv commercials
    4. Morning pimples

    5. Anyone and everyone who walks slow

  • starryhye

    1. Cilantro
    2. People who write checks
    3. People who wear makeup to the gym

    4. People who talk on the phone while working out at the gym
    5. “Healthy living bloggers” who put peanut butter on everything. Not everyone likes peanut butter, ok!?!

  • Aubrey Green

    1. Getting Gas
    2. When people eat bananas ( that sound is terrible)

    • Leandra Medine

      I know that noise, I am a repeat offender and apologize for all of us

  • BethanyBeach

    1. People who walk slowly, especially if they block the walking space and REFUSE TO MOVE
    2. Mustard
    3. When cigarette smoke hits your face (I’m asthmatic so it’s like a noxious cloud from hell)
    4. People who eat popcorn really obnoxiously loudly during a movie
    5. Being late for anything

  • Anna

    1. people who work at food places and have long fingernails
    2. THAT DAMN KIM KARDASHIAN GAME

  • Lucy Korn

    ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE I ENCOUNTER ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT.

  • Sarah Chong

    1. Traffic
    2. Men who block my way to the handle with their newspaper/ ipads in overcrowded subway
    3. the never-ending long queues outside every nice cafe at weekends
    4. new shoes scratching the back of my ankle
    5. no more coffee at the office pantry!!!

  • Esther Levy

    1. The #ootd
    2. Children on planes (i’d prefer snakes)
    3. Grown men who still quote American Pie
    4. American Pie
    5. People who speak in elevators

    • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

      Ooooooh also to go along with the #ootd is the #fromwhereIstand ughhhh stop it now, you know?

  • donn
  • http://www.fyeahblog.com Megan // F Yeah!

    1. People who take 2-hour naps, then bitch about having insomnia

    2. Steak that’s stuck in my teeth when floss is nowhere to be found

    3. Mosquitos

    4. The “Fifty Shades of Grey” series

    5. Chipped nail polish

  • KittyKatShopurrr

    1. Messy/stinky public bathrooms.
    2. Hold music for service/ credit card/ cable provider/ internet provider/ online orders/ etc
    3. Obnoxiously loud commercials – BUY TODAY!!!!
    4. Rickety rackety shopping carts- the one that squeaks or has the stuck wheel.
    5. weekly baby bump photo updates on social media w chalk board— strange

  • donn

    haha , i really LOL’D the gif, thanks you guys
    jam tangan pria

  • http://www.colourfulwords.blogspot.com/ NatGreen

    1. People who stop at the bottom of the escalator
    2. People who talk loudly in groups while someone else is talking to a crowd
    3. Mean girls
    4. Avocado
    5. My Family car stickers

    • Allison G

      Those stickers just make me think how easy it would be to break in to their house/rob/kidnap/murder the family. Like, I already know what I’m up against.

  • http://www.ellierockhill.com Ellie Rockhill

    1. Being forced to do things (usually bureaucratic) in person that are only open when I’m at work, and there are no online options.

    2. Having sensitive teeth which means that going through whitening procedures makes them even more sensitive. LAME!

    3. The skin above my upper lip is like, somehow fucking permanently scarred from when Ellie-Took-a-Tumble in sixth grade, and now I always have, essentially, a flaky patch of skin in the exact form and location of a hitler-stache. The only remedy is cocoa butter applied about fourteen times a day, so my upper-lip skin area is always shiny. Efffff.

    4. Blackheads, the kinds that don’t go away with exfoliating, face masks, jesus, squeezing, voodoo, peels, or death.

    5. Underwear that isn’t wide enough to wear a panty-liner, and you’re spotting, but not enough to call for a tampon. What horrific hell is this?!

  • Silvia Catarina

    1. Hair in my bra, especially when I am in a public place where I can’t simply go in there with my hand and fish it out.
    2. Going to the toilet and noticing there is no toilet paper left.
    3. Being at a bad party and having to wait until your ride wants to leave.
    4. Seeing a lovely dress at a shop, trying it on and realizing your body type looks ridiculous in it.
    5. People who contradict themselves all the time.

  • Allison G

    1. Rounding a corner and almost bumping into someone and saying, “ooh, sorry!” THEN the other person WHO WAS ALSO AT FAULT just goes, “MMMHmmm,” all sassy-like. You know what, F that, I’m retracting my apology.

    2. Cilantro

    3. Those people who stop right when they reach the end of the escalator.

    4. People at the airport who are seated in Zone 4 but feel they need to stand RIGHT AT THE FRONT with their multiple suitcases, blocking anyone and everyone who is in an earlier loading zone.

    5. People who stand *thisclose* behind you in line. Even when you inch away with a look of frustration mixed with disgust, they inch up with you.

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