The Douche Bag Jar

September 19, 2013

douchey

 

Have you ever heard of The Douche Bag Jar? I wish it was our idea but the New Girl season 3 premiere, which aired on Tuesday night, reminded us once and for all that even though we may be wizards when it comes to sounding like complete assholes, the ubiquitous jar that holsters our shame is far from our own brain child. Case in point:

It works like this: you say something douchey. (Example: “I have so many gift cards to use up.”)  Your comment is judged. You are therefore obligated to place a dollar into a clear jar (sometimes, the monetary amount is increased depending on grade of pretentiousness; see: “I can’t do Saturday shows. I’m going horseback riding.”) until you just can’t take it. You will watch said dollars fly out of your pocket and into the jar until finally, broke and frustrated, you’ve completely rid the word “kale” from your lexicon.

In the wake of fashion month in particular, keeping a douche bag jar seems like a fool-proof way to track your verbal obscenities and what’s more, it’s universally appealing. After all, you don’t have to be a White Girl with Problems to be a douche bag. It is also a good time to keep tabs on the ridiculous things the people around you are saying. Please enjoy the following from the bank we’ve comprised of affected inflections.

One such arbiter of fashion on leaving class early to attend the Marc Jacobs show: “I argued this should be an excused absence. After all, I was an art major.”

Another on her Oscar de la Renta floral print winter coat, worn in 80 degree weather: “It’s too hot for this but I’m going to wear it anyway because it’s amazing and I committed to the outfit. Also I’m going to wear this again next season because that would be cool right? Because it’s last season?”

One more on committing to Spring trends:                                                                             “If I don’t get a billion pairs of board shorts for Spring I’m going to off myself. Ok, at least two… I don’t want to be board shorts girl, but I’m so into them.”

And from me:                                                                                                                                 “I’m not saying ‘having a moment’ anymore.”

Sorry for that sentence.

But the Douche Bag Jar lives on and well after the confines of Fashion Week and may sometimes involve Beyonce. Proof of concept? This summer-friendly inquiry:                 “Do you still want to go to the Beyonce concert? I need to know so that I know when to buy my ticket for Nantucket.”

Other times, it will be embroiled in gastronomic chatter, see: “I don’t like Chobani greek yogurt as much as I do Fage greek yogurt.”

Often, too, Douche Bag Jar fodder will unfold as the answer to a compliment:

“Thanks, they’re vintage.”

“Thanks, they’re Stella.”

“Thanks, they’re actually F21! Can you believe it?”

And, of course, on the topic of shopping, and especially in a fashion office, you may also hear: “I kind of want a hat but I don’t think I really need one.”

Which reminds me…what do you think of this topper by Maison Michel? Just kidding. I would like, rather kill myself than wear such a…basic black hat.

Okay then, Douche Bag Jar: $1., Leandra: In deficit.

  • ygriega

    LOL. good idea. Nantucket…. haha

  • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

    *sigh* Okay: let me know how to send you my Douche Girl Dollars.

    Maybe we should make that a weekly $ transfer? Cause …I eat kale at least once a week. I’ve been a real veggie lover for the last 21 years. I drive a second-hand (!) Prius.

    *sigh* *feels better now* Ha! :-)

    • Amelia Diamond

      just let it out girl, the jar is therapy

      • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

        It is. *blush* :-)

    • Brooke

      But there’s nothing at all douchey about a Prius… Especially a second-hand one…

      • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

        There is … :-) It is driven by people who want to scream out to the world “I don’t want to polute you and I’ve got money to prove it!” (like Caprio) while conveniently forgetting the battery used up quite some precious resources just by being made … But: it is the most beautiful, comfortable car I have ever driven, it is an automatic (I never learnt to switch gears and watch the traffic simultaneously, so) and we get along really well :-) (aka I love it)

  • Iliyana Licheva
  • http://getsocialco.com/ Nicole Underwood

    ahahaha, LOVE this! I always laugh when they have it on New Girl.

  • Amatoria Clothing

    The Kale comment… On point.

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    I like the idea of the jar. As a college professor, I work with some pretentious dicks – including one woman who wears Old Spice deodorant “ironically.” Her words…and one that deserves a few bucks in a doucebag jar.

  • Lynn

    Not to be a douche, but I’m trying to save you from looking like a douche..**Douche Bar Jar

    • Leandra Medine

      $4 for you, Glen Coco. You go, Glen Coco. (As in, THANKS!)

      • Lynn

        Day made! Especially for quoting one of the greatest movies ever.

  • the egg

    genius.

    xo The Egg

  • Poe

    Wow, there are so many things I do that I didn’t know were douchey… until now.
    Thanks for making me feel bad about myself.
    Oh wait I looked down and saw my rockin’ Jimmy Choos Youth Boots and these Rag & Bone cigarette jeans that make my thigh gap look bigger than the Grand Canyon and I love myself again.
    [reaches for crocodile wallet]

  • http://www.anorexicescapades.com/ BougieHippie

    Well there goes my private brikram yoga lass budget. ;-)!

    http://www.anorexicescapades.com

  • becky murphy

    Same but not the same: “first world problem!” Woof.

  • prockstarrr

    i tend to think it is better to own one’s preferences and realize that they aren’t actually that important or interesting to others than to be made to feel guilty for liking something that falls into a stereotype

  • Luciana Safdie

    My family’s version of the douche bag jar is mockery, they never let anything go, like a good loud jewish-greek family.

    If I had to pay a dollar for overtime I heard “Oh, excuuuse meee…”….

  • Wilted Orchids

    Haha I need one of these at my apartment, stat! Just last night a friend of mine tells me, “I can’t find my keys, luckily my Mercedes Benz doesn’t need a key to start.” FML

    Xoxo
    Thomas

    http://www.wiltedorchids.com

  • Chloe

    This is one of my all time favorite parts of New Girl. Schmidt kills me!!

    http://topknotsandpolkadots.wordpress.com

  • brooke @ what2wear

    “I can’t find my driving moccasins” is probably my favorite schmidt-ism……..ever
    brooke @ what2wear, monikabrooke.blogspot.com

  • Chloe Woolsey

    “i kind of want a hat but i don’t think i really need one” So familiar, that thought passes my mind once daily.

  • Priskilledit

    So I was trolling your dick – shy – ary section and came upon the douche bag jar def… Giving credit to Mindy kaling. And I vividly Remembered this post. I love!!!!! Mindy but it got me questioning is Mindy finally being credited for this awesomeness or is this a minor mistake? And before I get booed outta here don’t worry I put a dollar in it already. @Leandramedine

    • priskilledit

      Dick- S H U N**- Ary. OOPS.
      No one will probably see this but I’m A-okay with that. Keep up the awesomeness manrepeller.