I have a serious addiction, and it comes in the form of “reality” television. Few things make a night golden quite like a bottle of wine, my Seamless delivery man, and the Housewives of Wherever. There’s no greater joy than watching a prosthetic limb being thrown in a restaurant, or observing a pair of nude strangers try to forage for food in the inhospitable swamps of Louisiana (I’m referring to Naked and Afraid, not Real Housewives, FYI).
Reality TV is the black hole of guilty pleasures. It’s mindless, ridiculous, and further scripted than a David’s Bridal commercial. Be that as it may, the genre has set up permanent shop in the realm of pop culture, which means that our obsession with it ensures the continued existence of Bravo, TLC and its imposters who have successfully risen to the occasion to churn out non-realistic realistic premises faster than Betty Lou can whip butter.
So, Andy Cohen, if you’re out there listening — and something tells me you are — here are some titles we’d love to cozy up to in the not-so distant future.
Sex in Sin City: Las Vegas Edition
The cards that you’re dealt aren’t always full of hearts
NYC Apartment Swap
The kale isn’t always greener in your neighbor’s 2 by 2 kitchen
3. Dog Day Afternoon
They’re Chihuahuas and they rob banks
The Real Help of the Real Housewives of Orange County
Because behind every pretentious woman is a stronger woman with her own dirty laundry to air
The Real World. DETOX.
As if spending five months with complete strangers wasn’t enough, these cast mates will subsist on juice. That’s right, juice. For five months. Five months. Just juice for five months.
The Deadliest Match
They’re zombies, and they’re after beating hearts
If that train goes off the track, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!
Bun in the (Bachelorette’s) Oven
Twenty men know they want her heart, zero know she is pregnant
Game of Gnomes
This garden is only big enough for one of us. All Gnomes must crack.
Dancing ON the Stars
Celebrities dance on top of other celebrities while suspended in space: stars on stars on stars.
Ready TV-land? Your turn.