The absolute worst possible way to get ANYWHERE during New York Fashion Week is via car. Uptown traffic crawls like a dehydrated sloth; downtown traffic like a sloth that was dehydrated, then opted to nap. And cross-town congestion provides ample time to read all of Tolstoy’s War and Peace in a single West-to-Eastside jaunt.
We do have subways here in the city. We also have sidewalks. But, because of the evil shoes we sport during the NYFW shuffle, not taking a cab just isn’t an option. (Paying rent post fashion week-cab spree isn’t an option either, so that’s always a fun game come October 1.)
But there’s one woman who has outsmarted us all. (It’s sort of annoying, actually, because she’s also figured out how to wear sunglasses indoors without looking like Corey Hart, but I digress.) We’re talking about ANNA WINTOUR here, people. She’s never late. She never looks breathless or flustered (as some of us do after spending all of 10th avenue in a full road rage panic). And we’ve never seen her car. Not once.
What’s that? You’ve seen her demurely slip out of a black Lincoln at the tents? Or a Mercedes at Milk? You just think you have, dear readers. Anna has a body double. Everyone knows that.
So our question is: how in the hootenanny does Anna Wintour get to fashion week?
By Police horse? Chariot? A secret underground tunnel system devised and reserved for fashion’s elite?
What about in one of those Driver’s Ed cars in which she is not the driver herself, but has control over the gas and break? Or a submarine? A boat? A canoe? Manhattan is an island, after all.
IS SHE GETTING TO FASHION WEEK IN A CANOE?
What if she grows wings and flies, or has the ability to teleport?
Maybe she’s being super chill and taking the 1 train, but no one noticed because we’re the idiots riding around in cabs.
Either that, or she’s on roller blades, inline, whizzing past the crowd so fast we don’t even blink. As I learned in middle school, a skilled roller-blader knows no bounds, so she likely zooms right into each show with enough time to stow her elbow pads and slip on stilettos. (Here’s where you may have seen her body double, btw, holding court until the two swap seats faster than the skates Anna rode in on.)
Yea. That’s definitely it. But we still want to hear your theories, too.
– Amelia Diamond