There is a moderately funny clip going around of Jimmy Fallon scaring The Roots by inserting one of those evil scream things in the middle of Beyoncé’s new song teaser. I mean in the middle of the 50 Shades of Grey trailer. Whatever.
If you haven’t watched it yet and feel all twitchy as a result because you’re feeling left out of the group convo, here:
Glad to have you back with us. So the reason this video really resonated with me is because I am scared of everything. When my roommate watches The Leftovers, I have to leave the room. I cover my eyes during commercials for American Horror Story. I scream every single time the doorbell rings and jump when someone appears out of nowhere.
All that said, it shouldn’t come as a total surprise that I am a little bit scared of these shoes.
These ones too.
No, I didn’t spin around in my swivel chair because they tapped me on my shoulder, nor did I burst into anxiety tears when they appeared on my computer screen. And yes guys, I know. They are not THAT scary. (These ones kind of are. These are not. These definitely are. These are not, like, at all. I just love them so I wanted an excuse to talk about them but you don’t know my bank account or my bunion situation, so there.)
But like one of those asking-for it characters in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th, I went looking for the very shoes I knew would put the fear in my arches.
Like all soon-to-be-murdered “protagonists” (aka idiots) in horror films, I was tempted by the same brand of curiosity that is known for killing cats. It’s called LOOKING FOR TROUBLE. Or, in this case, Willingly Entering The Black Hole of Online Shopping. And just as someone feels protected from vampires after they’ve consumed a garlic pesto pizza from Kesté on Bleecker street, shoe shopping online allows you to be far braver than you typically would be in a store.
If I went into Barneys right now, I would not ask the salesperson to find me a pair of eyeball shoes in size 8. Realistically, I’d find the sale section, find my size section, and then choose these practical Robert Clergerie ankle boots to last me through the entirety of fall. But online, no one can judge me for having momentarily questionable taste or wild dreams of trying on shoes that are well beyond my price range if I would also like to consume a few meals that month. Like Leandra says, the Internet gives us a feeling of digital ownership…even if it’s only existing in our Net-A-Porter shopping carts.
But that’s no excuse not to look right? Especially because all things considered, shoes probably aren’t going to pop out from underneath our bed when when we’re sleeping and remind us that they know what we did last summer.
Maybe not. But now you tell me. What shoes are scaring you, but you still kind of want? You know what I’m going to say: screw rent, crash on your friend’s couch without asking first and get ’em!
— Amelia Diamond