I do not care how you woke up. I don’t care if you arose via rooster, fresh faced and sunny-eyed, or if you were jostled awake by a pigeon having sex on your air conditioner as my roommate has recently been known to do. I don’t care if you have a pimple. I don’t care if you look hungover. I don’t care if you look perfect. I especially do not care if you’re already in a cab on your way to work, because how you woke up is basically irrelevant once you’re already in transit.
“I woke up like dis” needs to die.
Beyoncé memes have a longer shelf life than others do so I’ve let this carry on past my usual limit. It was definitely funny for a while. But now, as I scroll through my Instagram feed each morning only to be barraged with a plethora of self portraits all captioned the same — the Queen B lyric and its purposefully misspelled version of “this” — I’ve reached my limit and can see it/hear it/read it no more.
I’m also prepared to serve my time in jail for whatever actions I may demonstrate the next time I come across, “Sorry not sorry.” This was amusing once in 2012. Now it’s a poorly constructed sentence that must make absolutely no sense to a non-English speaker. It’s like using a middle-finger emoji to project bad-assery. It’s the Good Charlotte of insults. If you’re truly not sorry and would like to demonstrate wild anarchist tendencies, just let the photo of you double-fisting Appletinis speak for itself.
Finally, no more “I remember my first ____.” I know that I just spilled a little bit of beer on my shirt. I know I just tripped. I know, for heaven’s sake, that I put my sweatshirt on backwards and actually, I did that on purpose because it looks better this way. I don’t need you to point it out because guess what? I remember my first JOKE, and it was actually funny.
Now I turn the mic to you. I know you’re right there with me, sick of all the hyperbolic “EPICs” and dramatic “FMLs” and every other annoying yet viral trendy one-liners that leaked into our lexicon and then refused to go away. Tell me. Tell us:
What phrases need to die?
— Amelia Diamond