Let’s Rename the Blizzard

by Leandra Medine
January 21, 2014
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John-Cowan-1964-vogue

NY Mag is so funny. Their Daily Intelligencer section has “in the style of the very viral Weather Channel, dubbed this pending doom Richard Sherman, after the Seattle Seahawks hero’s brilliant flurry of trash talk last night.”

I’m from San Francisco (in case I haven’t told you enough) so the trash talking wasn’t exactly welcomed warmly on my end after the 49er’s loss. BUT. The concept of naming storms for the hollering heck of it is always fun, especially when you’re trying to make it go viral a la Upworthy (“You’ll Never Guess What This White Shit Falling From The Sky Is!!!).

It’s even more fun if you you have literally no idea what I have just been blathering on about.

So, because we all need a quick break from work and doing anything remotely productive, let’s think of better names for the snow storm of impending doom.

I’ll go first:

THE TODDLER Two-year-old babies are super reckless. So is snow.

WHITE WALKER After the evil, questionably dead ribby monsters in Game of Thrones.

THE BURSTING APPENDIX If it’s happened to you, you just get it.

GABBY HOFFMAN I just feel like she’s having a moment and so is this storm.

THE TOOTHLESS ROOF CANAL This one comes via the brain of Leandra so ask her because I have no idea what this has to do with a snowstorm.

THE COLONOSCOPY Because when is it ever a good time for one? Also, both are shitty. (Also per Leandra’s brain.)

My personal favorite comes by way of Charlotte Fassler, whose friend has dubbed it…THE POLAR HORCRUX. 

UPDATE: WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT THE ACTUAL NAME OF THE STORM IS WINTER STORM JANUS. According to ancient Roman religion and myth, Janus is the two-faced namesake for January and the god of beginning and transitions.

Yea, or like, Chandler Bing’s ex-girlfriend.

I’m passing the icicle baton to you now, though. What would you rename this snowstorm?

– Amelia Diamond

Photo by John Cowan via Vogue, 1964

REPLIES
  • Leandra Medine

    ROOT CANAL AMELIA — I SAID ROOT CANAL!

    • Leandra Medine

      And the reason I chose a toothless root canal is because both are cruel. Both are nonsensical. Both are insensitive and costly.

      • Leandra Medine

        Alternative title for the storm: Snowstorm Wrapper because I have already consumed 14 Hershey nuggets and six Air Heads. All of the wrappers are right next to me on my desk.

        • Leandra Medine

          Those wrappers should not be confused with these rappers.

          • Amelia Diamond

            Totally.

    • Amelia Diamond

      This whole time. This whole time I thought it was a roof canal you guys.

      • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CDJ

        that’s almost as bad as the people who said “mine as well” instead of “might as well” or “FOR ALL INTENSIVE PURPOSES”

      • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CDJ

        almost lost my quinoa reading this thread. some serious LOL’s.

      • Annie

        omg can the next minor cogitation be “Things I Have Been Doing Incorrectly All My Life” ?!?
        Except you should probably rename it cause that’s kinda long :)

  • Quinn Halman

    I would rename it Yacht because the idea of it seems really nice, who doesn’t love a winter wonderland? However once you really look into it, it’s annoying because not everything is what it seems. There are many downsides to the blizzard and there is the spelling of the word “yacht”

    • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CDJ

      I wonder how many yachts are named “Blizzard”?! I bet a few. TO TURN THINGS AROUND. O0oo00oO

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CDJ

    1. Angelica Pickles. Because she is the first bitch I was ever exposed to. Thank you, Rugrats.

    2. Camille Grammer Season One. Duh.

    3. Sisqo. Just ’cause.

    • Charlotte Fassler

      Helga G. Pataki

      • Quinn Halman

        (Finally able to use this)

  • Kari

    W e like to call it “Every F**king Day of Winter” up here in Northern Canada. It’s the polar vortex apex here I swear!

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