We don’t take the game of Kill, Fuck, Marry lightly. In fact, we don’t really consider it a game at all in our office so you can imagine how intense things have gotten in the past. (I, for one, am not exactly admitting to murder but I will say that Amelia Diamond may or may not be my real name.)
That said, let’s “play”: Who will it be? Hagrid, Squidward, or Patti Stanger?
Some things to note in case you’re having a tough time with this one (personally I have a major soft-spot for all three and
as I can’t go to jail again I have to be really sure about my decision):
-Hagrid’s last name is actually Hagrid, his first is Rubeus. If you marry him and so-choose to accept his surname as yours, that’s awesome because now you’re Hagrid too!
-Meanwhile, Squidward’s last name is Tentacles. (We just report the facts, guys.) That is an arguably less desirable last name and an even worse hyphen. If you’re inclined to keep your own and you like the clarinet, this may be your match.
-Patti is an alpha-female so if you are too, a lifelong marriage may be like two bulls in a tango factory. But man oh man does she have some shiny hair. Think of the gene pool, and your hypothetical spawn with those lustrous locks.
We’ll let you come to your own conclusions regarding sex life and whatnot.
You know where the comment section is—let the games begin.