Over the course of our lives we will make decisions that — whether we know it in the moment or not — will affect our futures. Sometimes our choices will be made in a fleeting instant: a thoughtless “no,” a careless “sure,” while others will be decided after a period of mulling, agonizing and consulting.
This is one of those moments. You can take your time or answer with snap judgement, but whatever you answer will affect your future.
Let’s stretch first to loosen you up. Sit up straight and roll your shoulders back. Drop your head left, now bring it up and drop right. Did your neck crack? Good. Now press your arms forward, squish your knuckles until each one makes a popping sound, roll your sleeves up and let’s dig in:
Some of you already know your answers. But for those of you who like to weigh the pros and cons of your
potentially definitely life-altering decisions, I’ve made some notes.
It’s chic as shit. Marrying said purse would mean feeling like a lady 24/7. Killing it would mean living with the fact that you murdered an innocent. Having sex with it would mean you may need a therapist. I once saw a TLC show about a guy who had sex with cars, so.
Here’s the thing about these jeans — they aren’t just a pair of denim pants, they’re essentially the perfect pair of denim pants, and like it or not you’re always going to need pants so I’d suggest not killing them for this reason alone. If you do choose to fornicate, then should you also happen to procreate, at least you know your children will have good jeans.
When the third grade bully taunted you with, “If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?,” if he had been talking about Alaïa instead of a doll you’d probably be like, “Fine, I will.” Consider, then, that killing the shoes would be a crime against fashion if not all of humanity. The whole sex thing is still weird (see: TLC special) but I guess that’s our fault for asking you to decide.
Deep breath. You can do this. Now go leave your fate in the comment section.