How to Sound Like You’ve Been Going to Shows All Week
I used to lie about having been to a restaurant called Fedora. The first time it happened the lie came out so quickly that I didn’t even realized I’d said, “I love that place.” Once I spoke those words I made a face like this baby, because I was confused about whose sentence had just come out of my mouth:
From there I had to keep lying about it, because if I was honest with one person about my culinary excursions who could possible run into the other people I lied to — and they compared notes — I would look like a big fat liar who didn’t even eat there.
Eventually I just went to the damn restaurant because the whole charade was too stressful.
It’s because of this that I understand how those people on Jimmy Kimmel’s “Lie Witness News” segments fibb. You now know how I am under very little pressure; imagine me under actual pressure with a camera in my face and someone shoving a microphone under my nose about a band with a name that very well could be real. I don’t know! Bands love weird names! And it’s in our human nature to tell white lies.
Let’s flip this to you, again. Should you find yourself in a situation where you accidentally lied about attending a fashion show — maybe you told a teacher you had to attend Rodarte to get out of a test or you told your grandma you were going to Delpozo to find a wedding dress, or there was a really annoying girl who wouldn’t stop bragging and you needed something to say to get her to stop — here are some things you can say to solidify your accidental lie and sound like you’ve been going to shows all week:
1) First of all, complain about your feet then add: “…and I mean, I was wearing flats the whole time!”
2) Lament about the charge your phone has recently been failing to hold. Follow up with, “I let an editor borrow my Mophie. Sigh.”
3) Check street style online in the presence of others and say things like, “I can’t believe I got cut out of that shot,” or, “LOL that’s my elbow.”
4) Frequently comment on how the 70s are back again. Then clarify: “early 70s, though, because we still saw so many nods to 60s Mod.”
5) Say you lost weight from forgetting to eat.
6) Say you gained weight from remembering to eat, then forgetting you ate, then eating again; rinse repeat.
7) Complain about all the traffic up the West Side Highway this week, and how it’s costing you your month’s rent in cabs.
8) Comment on the Instagram accounts of well known fashion veterans and write things like, “SO good seeing you at the show yesterday!” (Be vague as to which show.) “We HAVE to catch up soon, sorry we got cut off by Anna!” Don’t feel weird about this, I do it all the time to Connie Britton and Oprah.
9) Send Snapchats from the back of cabs and caption it, “So exhausted. Need coffee.”
10) Take a selfie of yourself in front of your favorite show on Style.com and post it to Facebook. Hello, the Internet IS Fashion Week. No one else needs to know that you’re attending it without pants.
K, your turn.