How to Sound Like You’ve Been Going to Shows All Week
09.11.14
Larry-pretend-youve-been-at-shows

Do you ever accidentally lie for no reason? Like, out of panic, with zero intention of being sketchy or even telling the lie in the first place?

I used to lie about having been to a restaurant called Fedora. The first time it happened the lie came out so quickly that I didn’t even realized I’d said, “I love that place.” Once I spoke those words I made a face like this baby, because I was confused about whose sentence had just come out of my mouth:

zEYQhBL.jpg

From there I had to keep lying about it, because if I was honest with one person about my culinary excursions who could possible run into the other people I lied to — and they compared notes — I would look like a big fat liar who didn’t even eat there.

Eventually I just went to the damn restaurant because the whole charade was too stressful.

It’s because of this that I understand how those people on Jimmy Kimmel’s “Lie Witness News” segments fibb. You now know how I am under very little pressure; imagine me under actual pressure with a camera in my face and someone shoving a microphone under my nose about a band with a name that very well could be real. I don’t know! Bands love weird names! And it’s in our human nature to tell white lies.

Let’s flip this to you, again. Should you find yourself in a situation where you accidentally lied about attending a fashion show — maybe you told a teacher you had to attend Rodarte to get out of a test or you told your grandma you were going to Delpozo to find a wedding dress, or there was a really annoying girl who wouldn’t stop bragging and you needed something to say to get her to stop — here are some things you can say to solidify your accidental lie and sound like you’ve been going to shows all week:

1) First of all, complain about your feet then add: “…and I mean, I was wearing flats the whole time!”

2) Lament about the charge your phone has recently been failing to hold. Follow up with, “I let an editor borrow my Mophie. Sigh.”

3) Check street style online in the presence of others and say things like, “I can’t believe I got cut out of that shot,” or, “LOL that’s my elbow.”

4) Frequently comment on how the 70s are back again. Then clarify: “early 70s, though, because we still saw so many nods to 60s Mod.”

5) Say you lost weight from forgetting to eat.

6) Say you gained weight from remembering to eat, then forgetting you ate, then eating again; rinse repeat.

7) Complain about all the traffic up the West Side Highway this week, and how it’s costing you your month’s rent in cabs.

8) Comment on the Instagram accounts of well known fashion veterans and write things like, “SO good seeing you at the show yesterday!” (Be vague as to which show.) “We HAVE to catch up soon, sorry we got cut off by Anna!” Don’t feel weird about this, I do it all the time to Connie Britton and Oprah.

9) Send Snapchats from the back of cabs and caption it, “So exhausted. Need coffee.”

10) Take a selfie of yourself in front of your favorite show on Style.com and post it to Facebook. Hello, the Internet IS Fashion Week. No one else needs to know that you’re attending it without pants.

K, your turn.

  • The Outfix

    “Maybe you told a teacher you had to attend Rodarte.”

    One time I told a teacher I had diarrhea so I could live-stream a Burberry show. If that’s not commitment and social suicide by way of fashion, what really is?

    http://www.theoutfix.com

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahahahahahahhah

    • hahahahahahhahahahahah that is so great.

  • hahahahahah “LOL that’s my elbow” AMELIA YOU ARE SO EFFING FUNNY. number 8, number 9, all the numbers. Confession: I’ve never tried one of those Justin’s peanut butter cups, but someone brought them up recently and I said “oh those are so good!”, they disagreed, then I had to defend something I never even tried. I had no idea how I got there in the first place. I still have yet to have one.

    • Amelia Diamond

      ok but like, they are good so i’m glad you defended them.

  • ktdd

    LoL Number three had me dying…great post!

  • lavieenliz

    that’s so funny! how about “ugh…I couldn’t upload any of my pics on insta because everyone was doing it so the network was down!”

    http://hashtagliz.com

  • You make me laugh, A-Milli.

  • I love using “the show” as an excuse. It’s so vague and so perfect. ” I’m late to our lunch because the show ran over. Sorry!” (And by ‘show’, we all mean a new episode of The Chew on tv, right?)

    • Amelia Diamond

      yea or my favorite procrastination method: reruns of Catfish

  • bahahaha at the elbow comment.

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

  • Haaaa!! Love this 😉

  • ee_by_cc

    My favorite 3) Check street style online in the presence of others and say things like, “I can’t believe I got cut out of that shot,” or, “LOL that’s my elbow.”
    http://www.enduringethereal.com

  • The always witty Amelia strikes again! However, you could always do what I did last NYFW: sneak away from your group trip to the Met, walk to Lincoln Center through a very snowy Central Park, and stand outside waiting to catch a glimpse of someone recognizable. That always works too haha.

    | http://jordancathleen.blogspot.com/

  • joujou

    Lie Witness News Fashion Week Edition are hilarious!! (2013 and 2014)

  • hahaha Oh a world where this would be the biggest dilemma…

    xxLK

    http://www.ellekae.com

  • Natalia

    Such a fun post! I loved it!

    http://lifebetweenhats.blogspot.com

  • Lucy

    I just dug myself into a horrible deep dark black hole at work today because of a small white lie. The worst feeling. EVER.

  • Forgetting how old you are is THE worst because you only have two options: A, explain you weren’t “like lying” (finger quote, eye roll) about your age, or B, remember your fake age FOREVER for that one person. Or C, confess and look like a crazy person.

    The lies on top of lies about my time on this earth will one day catch up with my forgetful-ass 25 (24? 26?) year-old brain.

  • You are hysterical!

  • ahahahahahaha! This was amazing. I always find myself unintentionally lying just to make awkward small talk easier!

    xo
    Kels
    http://www.excusemyblog.com

  • Joselinne Mora

    hilarious

  • thomas deshields

    visit my fashion blog… http://www.heworewhat.com
    instagram: @heworewhat_online
    twitter: @heworewhat

  • Lagoizk

    Hahah I just peed a little …

  • SO good seeing you at the show today, Amelia!

    But seriously! I’m the girl that stopped you after Marc Jacobs saying you make my day every time you post something on TMR. See, that’s what I meant. This article is perfect entertainment! (If you still don’t remember me, I was wearing that weird dress that looked like a bathrobe).

    • Amelia Diamond

      CLAIRETTE I LOVED MEETING YOU. You made my week for REAL. And your dress was beautiful. And I want to cut my hair like you!

    • Charlotte Fassler

      Clairette we LOVE yoU!!!

    • Clairette, may I see a picture of your dress? It sounds so intriguing!

  • Krista Anna Lewis

    Ok, everyone’s laughing about the whole elbow thing, BUT MY HAND IS IN A PHOTO OF CAROLINE BRASCH NIELSON ON STYLE.COM. So I’m basically famous.

    • Link. Me.

      P.S. I am a demanding brat and I want to see more of your street-style photos, lady.

  • I was in a photo where you can see my big ol’ sexy sunglasses floating around behind Al Franken ~*DC Famous*~

  • Love the comment about EARLY 70’s – so real!

    Warm Regards,
    Alexandra
    http://www.littlewildheart.com