A terrible thing happened to me this summer: someone I hate-follow on Instagram got a boyfriend. How could she do this to me — nay, to the entire Instagram community? It’s emotionally taxing work, hate-following. (Not to mention downright unhealthy.) I cannot be expected to find the time to stalk and subsequently mock her account and an entirely new one at the drop of an @. It’s exhausting enough trying to stay afloat in the proverbial pool of single-self-pity!
The couple in question’s relationship announcement photo startled me so much that I almost clicked “like” in a panic. It is a cross between a haughty holiday card and a portrait straight out of the New York Times Vows Section. In it they both have this half-smile on their face that says, “Yes, we are both extremely good looking and yes, we are wearing matching button ups.”
After a brief background check, I discovered this “boyfriend” has somehow found a way to make the Kelvin filter work, and should thus be closely watched. Since their devastating proclamation of Instagram love, no selfie has gone un-photo-bombed, no heart emoji left behind.
Oh, come on! Everyone knows breakfast in bed counts as a food faux pas, especially if your boyfriend is the one who prepared it. And those raspberries he arranged in a heart look moldy anyway, so good luck with that. I made myself breakfast and happen to be eating it in bed, but I’m certain no one wants to see my half-empty Activia and coffee-stained sheets.
Ah, the boyfriend on a plane. Classic. You don’t see me Instagramming my carry-on bag, do you? The only thing worse than snakes on a plane are couples on a plane. I live in fear of a world where they’re free to Instagram themselves mid-flight.
Alright, we get it. Your boyfriend sleeps. A lot. And he looks really cute when he sleeps, but that’s besides the point. Everybody sleeps. Does he want a medal for every well-positioned nap? The world may never know how elegantly I slumber, since no one’s around to document it. But, like whatever. Nbd.
Are you kidding me with these pet names? Daddy? Really? And don’t you dare follow that up with an emoji. I’m officially offended now.
What do you think this is? A social media platform where others follow photos of your day-to-day life by choice? Where people like me take immense pleasure in living vicariously through you and your significant other? Where the more intimate moments you share the more likes you get? That would be totally insane…oh, wait.
No seriously, tell me what you think. What are the do’s and don’ts when it comes to Instagramming a relationship? Should there be rules, and if so, what are they? Rule number one: block all snarky single people (like me).
— Emilia Petrarca
Photographed by Phil Oh.