I think diapers ruined us. They made us lazy from a very young age — the youngest age, actually, considering that the moment we make our flying exit from the womb our butts are wrapped in cloth.
Babies and toddlers don’t realize how good they have it, because they can pee anywhere, anytime, without interrupting their various activities. And babies are busy, man. The one-year-olds have all of these blocks to stab into other blocks and two-year-olds have a lot of places to be. They don’t have time to look for a Starbucks after dramatically downing two gigantic bottles of water and a coconut juice, or to wait in line at a bar for the restroom, never mind the fact that they shouldn’t be in a bar in the first place because they’re way too young to “drink” drink.
But enough about babies. We’re here to talk about you and the fact that you definitely have to pee, don’t you? It’s late on a Monday morning and unless you’re severely dehydrated from the night before, you’ve probably downed two iced coffees plus a Gatorade by now and you are starting to feel it in your loins.
You’re an adult. You KNOW what this sensation means. But because you were spoiled from the moment of birth you don’t want to get up to pee. It’s exactly like R. Kelly sang: “My mind is telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me yes.”
So you’re going to sit there. Aren’t you? You’re going to sit there and squirm and do weird things like prop your heel up under your crotch or bounce around or cross your legs and finish reading this and then check your email and then your phone and then some other website until finally you are about to pee in your actual, adult, real life, non-diapered pants and so you make a full dash for the bathroom like a rhino with a new name is chasing you.
You totally are.
Should I make this worse?
I could type alllllllll day long because I went pee before I started writing this. Think about waterfalls. And oceans. And lakes. And water slides.
And Mount Rushmore. (Which is more about the name than the body of water.)
Psszzzzzzzzzzzztshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht. <– That’s the sound of a faucet.
Ok fine. I’ll let you go. I have a busy day of block-stabbing ahead.
But we all know you’re not going to go go, are you? Weirdo. Whoever pees their pants first wins!
Images shot by Sebastian Mader, via Interview Magazine