It all started this summer when a guy I’d barely been talking to sent me one of the rudest text messages I’ve ever received. It was rude in the You’re an asshole kind of way, but more than anything it was also annoying because his jab was underlined by subtly sexual and flirtatious undertones.
To quote Jimmy Fallon: “Ew.”
I’d been reading the conversation that led up to this point out loud to a car full of friends, and though we’ve heard it all before, each one of our jaws dropped. There was much discussion over the proper response; many contended to not respond at all. That might have been the mature thing to do — to just let it go, to ignore — but sometimes a text comes along so aggravating (ladies, can I get an Amen?) that it’s impossible not to reply.
I needed the last word. And I needed it to count. So it hit me: I’d send a GIF.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, a GIF, I have found, is worth about a million. And in this scenario, it had to be the right GIF. I couldn’t just go throwing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills clips all willy nilly at the guy. He thought he won. He had not. So this had to be planned, well executed, and thought out.
I nailed it. I mean really nailed it. I hit him with my champion All Star GIF of a woman that I like to call Agness: a horrified elderly lady on a gameshow, turning away from the camera with her hand on her chest like, “OH MY WORRRRD, BARBARA.” (She doesn’t say those words but you can just tell.) She’s utterly aghast.
From then on out I became the GIF Guru to my friends. Anytime someone has a complicated text to respond to, they send me a screen shot and I hit them back with a selection of GIFS, each one curated (excuse that obnoxious word-choice but it’s really never been more appropriate) to his or her specific situation.
And I want to be this to you guys, because sharing is caring and dammit, I care. So any time you have a texting query find the comment box below (on this one, or any story really!) and let me how I can help. Provide the set up, the situation, and the mood you’d like to convey, and once a week, via this here Cogitation Station, we’ll break it all down to GIF-a-Roo Town.
I’ll break the ice with one that comes from a friend who recently asked me the following:
How do I respond to a guy I’ve been seeing, who I really like, and I think he likes me, but he always bails, and tonight he bailed HARD?
You have three options. The first is Unamused Kanye. It says, “I’m pissed. But I’m also hilarious.”
The second is Middle Finger Broadway Baby. This basically says the same thing but lets them off the hook a bit easier because of the sparkle. Perfect for second chances.
The third is OG, Martha Stewart. This sends the message loud and clear that you don’t give a FUCK.
Because honestly, you shouldn’t. More fish in the sea, more GIFS in my pocket, so ask away and let’s get this dance party started.
— Amelia Diamond