Five Things to Leave Under Your Desk in Case of Emergency
You’ve become a pro at doing what you need to when you hate your outfit but can’t change, right?
I hope those pigtails look as divine on you as they do in my mind’s rendering of you.
But there’s a more important question to consider in conjunction with outfit-hating that we seem to be overlooking: why can’t you change?
The supposition is that you spend most of your time either at school or working. If you’re still in school, you probably have a locker. That deep, rectangular cubby is like your car, your home, your handbag. Use it wisely — as a Second-Aid Kit. If you work, the assumption is that you’ve got a desk for one reason and one reason only: to stow belongings underneath it or inside of it but never on top of it so that the next time you get there and think to yourself, self, this was a good idea in theory but is proving to look ridiculous-in-a-bad-way in action, there is a pantheon of opportunity in the form of five items to rectify your wrongs.
Y’all ready for ‘dis?
1. A beauty kit. Look into my eyeballs and rapid-fire the three most important beauty products you use. For me, that’s dry shampoo for volume, blush for color, namely when I turn green in December, and either lipstick or mascara for when I do want to wear makeup. Keep those things in a little bag under your desk — apply when you feel like poop, not to be confused with shampoop and then feel like kitty litter!
2. A pair of flats. Often, a simple shoe will change the entire course of your outfit/mood. I keep a pair of satin Supergas under my desk and they have heretofore never let me down. You might want to keep a more traditional pair of flats under yours. That’s okay. Can I suggest these?
3. A pair of heels. When flats don’t work, I will give you one try to guess what always, always, never does not work. Yes! It’s heels! I’d suggest a height no taller than 4 inches or shorter than two and a half and want to propose the following because they are diverse. Like student-exchange diverse.
4. A clean white shirt. I’d opt for an oxford* because there is an almost zero percent chance that it wouldn’t come in handy if you wanted to change your blouse. Unless you’re already wearing one in which case I really have to wonder how you could have possibly fucked up a white button down? Tie it at the waist if you want to feel different, button it all the way up if you’re Bowery-bound or leave it completely unbuttoned if you want to free the nipple. You will not be disappointed.
*You can totally leave a supplementary white t-shirt under there if buttons aren’t your bag. Motor skills aren’t for everyone, ya know?
5. A piece of jewelry that will change the game more comprehensively than Michael Jordan changed golf. Get it? Because the only thing he did to golf was make it slightly more enjoyable for the plebeian eye?
Did I solve all your life qualms? Leave anything off? Everything off? LMK.
Image shot by Steven Pan for Interview Magazine, 2010