Ask Isaac: He Disappeared After We Had Sex

Isaac Hindin-Miller | January 13, 2016

Hello friend. It might comfort you (or depress you) to know that this is the single most commonly asked question that I receive. It upsets me that this scenario occurs so often, because it destroys my faith in huMANkind. And guess what: I was guilty of pulling the same shit in my younger years. I’d meet a girl, get super obsessed with her for a minute, love every moment of the early stages of the courtship, and then once I knew I could get her (or once I actually had hooked up with her), I’d go cold. It was like every little bit of the excitement and attraction had suddenly disappeared. Game over.

The more I see this stuff occur from the woman’s perspective (whether that woman is a friend or family member or a blog reader explaining her situation in an email), the more I’m convinced that this kind of situation might be avoided if things were clearer from the beginning.

Know this: I understand the desire to get physical with someone you like. It’s basic human instinct. BUT! You wouldn’t buy a car if you hadn’t inspected the motor, right? So why would you jump into a sexual relationship without doing your due diligence?

It’s simple:

If you’re hoping that he’s going to be sleeping with you and you alone, ask him if he’s ready to be exclusive. If you’re hoping that he’s going to be your boyfriend, ask him if he’s ready to make things official. If you’re worried about STDs, ask him to get tested before you start sleeping together.

Trust me when I tell you that if he’s scared off by any of those questions, then he was probably going to disappear straight after you had sex anyway.

Wouldn’t you prefer to know before the fact? I sure as hell would. The next time you find yourself in this situation, be assertive beforehand. Take control. And if I were you, I’d cut things off with this guy. He’s shown you who he is; believe him. Also: Long distance relationships are often much more trouble than they’re worth.

Collage by Krista Anna Lewis. Got a question for Isaac? Write to him at write@manrepeller.com. Want more Isaac?  Click here. Then check out Isaac with makeup on (sort of) hereFinally, stalk him on Instagram, Twitter and through his website. He won’t mind.

hyperlink-gif-ask-isaac

  • I really like the comment/point about asking someone to get tested. It isn’t something that a lot of people talk about it. It’s amazing that the guy even spent money on the plane tickets and the didn’t want to continue the relationship. Seems like such a waste of time.

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    • isaaclikes

      YES!

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  • Know this: I understand the desire to get physical with someone you like. It’s basic human instinct. BUT! You wouldn’t buy a car if you hadn’t inspected the motor, right? So why would you jump into a sexual relationship without doing your due diligence?

    This!

    • Leonie

      but buying the car for me would be to be in a relationship, and inspecting the motor to sleep with him… not the other way around.
      but yeah, i do get the point!
      and, feelings change, especially in the beginning of getting to know someone, and attraction can change. i have friends whose boyfriends told them they really want something serious (and probably even meant it), but after a while (possibly after having sex), feelings changed, and that should be ok. i know this for myself, i can be really into someone, but then realise its not a great fit, and sometimes i realise it after i slept with him. thats just all it is.
      i think it is not necessarily something one can influence, it’s mailny to hope that the other person is honest, and doesnt lead me on after realiseing they are not into me anymore.

  • Leonie

    “And if I were you, I’d cut things off with this guy. He’s shown you who he is; believe him.”
    i love this, much more easily said than done though…
    i often think of leandra and abie (honestly often 🙂 ), and how if she wrote you about their 3-year-long breakup years ago, everyone would be like, oh forget about him, he wont change after rejecting your begging for so long and sleeping with you but making sure to be completely “no strings attached”.
    i think regarding that moment’s situation through such a relationship-help-column as this here, the advice would be to finally, after these years of no positive response from abie, let it go, but leandra didn’t; and maybe i shouldn’t?
    what i also refelct on sometimes is how in the end abie did come around… because he saw her with someone else and got jealous. i hate playing games, but this story kind of convinces me that maybe a bit of game-playing is helpful? i dont know, but apparently showing that one has more options worked here (even if not planned out like this by leandra). just some thoughts, i love the story of leandra and abie, because it goes against some odds. it just also makes me realise how these help-columns are not always the best lead to follow… anyway, probably helping a lot of people out, myself included in some situations! thanks!

    • isaaclikes

      Leandra and Abie might be the exception to the rule but it’s much much much more prudent to base your situation on the rule, NOT the exception! p.s. Don’t play games.

  • BrooklynBridge

    it’s super shitty that a man’s response to other men’s shitty behaviour is that we should essentially expect it. i refuse to expect disrespect.

    • isaaclikes

      I’m not saying that all men behave in shitty ways or that all women should expect men to be shitty, but I am saying that people take liberties and it’s always better to put yourself in a position of strength than a position of weakness. I think it’s a foolhardy expectation in this day and age that sleeping with someone is going to create a stronger bond. It will create a stronger bond if the bond is already there, but if it’s not, then it’s like loaning money to someone you just met on the street and hoping they’re going to pay you back.

      If both people are on the same page then there’s no problem, but if they’re not, there are a million potential problems, and that’s why I think the safest way to do things is to communicate.

  • Alana

    My now-husband and I are from two different countries (AUS & NZ) and met in Thailand. We did the long distance thing for 8 months before I moved to Australia, 2.5 years later we got engaged and now married for 10 months. It CAN work (and it can’t too), just as any relationship can (or can’t) shitty geography or not – it’s more about are the two of you right for each other. For what it’s worth in terms of the sex issue – we didn’t sleep together till 4 months after we met/our 3rd trip to see each other, had both been tested & were officially a couple – all things that would have sent the wrong guy running a mile, whether he was 5km or 2500km away from me.

    • isaaclikes

      Kia ora kia ora.

  • JorJo

    “Hello friend. It might comfort you (or depress you)” LOVED THIS INTRO

    I think it is good to feel depressed sometimes! So sad articles are a plus once in a while!

    Talking about the article, I agree with Chary S. having sex is like a car’s test drive… Sometimes you are excited about investing some time and money into a “car” but after you “test drive it” the wheel is to hard, the traction is too loose or you just simply don’t like the inside goods 🙂

    That’s why sometimes people dissapear… they did not enjoyed the whole test drive experience and maybe another dealers is offering more for less 🙂

    JorJo
    http://www.hauteblogging.com

  • I can definitely relate to this. Good advice.

    I think you’ll love my latest blog post: https://alliesfashionalley.com/2016/01/cozy-winter-essentials/

    xo

    Allie