An Open Letter to the Creator of The Hot Dog Legs Tumblr

August 20, 2013

hotdoglegs

Dear Asshole Creators of the Hot-Dog Legs Tumblr page,

I bet you’re feeling really smug right about now.

“Hey STAN,” one of you is probably saying to the other. “Look how many pageviews we already have!”

“Gnarly!” replies the one of you not-named-Stan, but who says Stan-like-things, such as gnarly.

You’re probably already looking for mansions on Craigslist in anticipation of all the money you’ll make off of Heinz Ketchup banner ads and wholewheat bun endorsements. And I bet you’re practicing your pick up lines for bars: “Hey girl, you know the Tumblr ‘Hot-Dog or Legs?’ Yea, I started it. But I don’t mean to brag. Wanna bone?”

But what I bet you never considered — never even gave a fleeting thought to — is that for some of us, HOT DOGS ARE OUR ACTUAL LEGS. That’s right. I have hot-dogs for legs.

TLC hasn’t done a show about it yet but there’s actually quite a lot of us. Shot right out of the womb with two mini frankfurters instead of typical baby appendages, our “legs” can grow up to as long as 12 inches, but the fun stops there.

Imagine being a toddler and trying to fend off unweaned two-year-olds who mistake your legs for bottle nipples.

Or picture yourself as a sixth grader and your best friend is the middle-school track star. All you want to do is run like the wind beside her but instead you have to worry about her disapproving Vegan mother who glares at you in between races.

High school pool parties are historically a breeding ground for self-doubt and fear (Do I shave just the bikini line or go full Brazilian? Do I look fat? Can I get pregnant if I swim near Steve?). But I ask you, cruel Tumblr-er, HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT SOMEONE’S DAD MISTAKINGLY TRY TO BAR-B-Q YOUR LEG?

Or had a seagull eye you like a LITERAL PIECE OF MEAT?!

What about PANTS?? Yes! Pants! Do you know how hard it is to find PANTS that can fit our perfectly cylindrical, wobbly-yet-straight versions of what you so RUDELY disregard as LEGS?!?!

FORGIVE US, oh-superior-one, for needing a vacation from the torment and stresses of daily life. And FORGIVE US for wanting to share that beach or pool view from the comfort of our Instagram accounts. Those accounts are where we share our lives with fellow hot-doggers — where we commiserate, console, accept.

We’re people too you know.

So sue us for bragging about our tans in Aruba.

  • Yan Pierre Crumble

    Free lunch at Enrico’s in SoHo to the best answer to What Goes With This? pair of hot dog legs: http://whatgoeswiththis.co/#request/69

  • beatease99

    What happened here?? Relax. The hot dog vs legs idea was funny and it is just a tumblr page. What about over weight women??! Can you imagine having legs like that??! What about people who do not even have legs??! What about…?! Come on…..

    • JSchiff

      Sarcasm happened.

    • Confused

      uh overweight women? WHAT does this have to do with overweight women?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

  • JSchiff

    thank you. just thank you.

    twentiescollective.com

  • Soph

    Whole wheat bun endorsements is lowbrow brilliant and made my day. I also can’t wait for Stan to hit on me at a bar in Murray hill.

  • dee

    I really hope you’re being sarcastic, but just in case you’re not….Come on!!! I have fat legs and term “thunder thighs” cracks me up every time, you’ll survive. “The world is a magical place, full of people waiting to be offended by something”

  • Charlotte

    Hot dog legged people never get to enjoy the wonder of shoes. tis’ a cruel, cruel world.

  • Gaspar Martinez

    nerds

  • andrieya

    ha! love this!

  • jassyonyae

    I actually find this tumblr funny…never once was I offended. It’s cool cause sometimes when girls post their legs on instagram..well i think of hot dogs. sue me

    • Amelia Diamond

      i find it hilarious too, this open letter was just a joke. i don’t actually have legs made out of hot dogs, sigh :(

  • klhks

    Id love for you guys to write about CLASSISM & PRIVILEGE in the blogging community.. Lets talk about who can actually AFFORD to be skinny enough (SoulCycle- check. Pressed Juicery Cleanse- check) to squeeze their “hot dog legs” into Marant’s Carol sandal, or have front row access to fashion weeks that give their blogs that extra Valentino studded edge. I don’t know many people who could front those IG worthy vacays, or even an arm party for that matter.. but ugh it’s soo hard being skinny!