11 Deep Thoughts About ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 12, Episode 6

Amelia Diamond | June 28, 2016

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Something that everyone always says to me about The Bachelorette is, “It’s so fake!” Well so are JoJo’s and my eyelashes and we still have real eyeballs. Also, though I have nothing to compare her season to at all, I would risk standing on a precarious tree bough here to say that either the producers are encouraging a way more candid, off-the-cuff season than ever before or, they have given up: Season 12 is completely unhinged.

1) “Traveling was one of the funnest things for me last season,” a narrative voice-over courtesy of JoJo as though she were the Lauren Conrad of Laguna Beach, very well could have been edited or re-recorded for proper grammar. But what’s the point? People, this is where the grit is.

2) The entire cast pronounced “Buenos Aires”:

A – with as much embarrassing affectation as your white friend who took one semester of Spanish before switching to Canadian adopts whenever she sings, “I took a pill in Ibitha.”

B – like your aunt does whenever she recalls that one night stand she had during a layover on her way to Cordoba, before she raises her eyebrow to ensure you caught the “layover” joke, too.

C-  properly, and yet somehow, it still sounds offensive.

3) I see Wells has given in to the complementary (although not mandatory! “Be yourself, guys” — Chris Harrison) Bachelorette stylist who believes that all men should wear evening henleys with collarless leather jackets, or else.

4) Worse even than going to see The LobsterFuerza Bruta is the least romantic date I could think of. Besides hog riding. But even that would be better than watching people slam into the shallow end of a pool above my head while feeling like I was second-hand drowning.

5) JoJo is perfectly and wonderfully adept at ruining potentially tender moments by calling them out as they are in progress in an effort to quell her own embarrassment. She is definitely the friend who asks, “Why did you just text me,” when you’re in a group setting but trying to shit-talk-text on the low.

6) You know how moms stab you in the heart with, “I’m disappointed in you?” JoJo’s form of attack is to puncture her suitors with appreciation. She told Wells, “I appreciate you” — then cut him on the date, and she told Derek, the Less Funny John Krazinski (tru to you, commenter who pointed this out), “I appreciate that,” after he basically asked her how they should monogram their wedding towels.

7) I have been properly single for about four months now and I can comfortably say that what has been missing from my past relationships — the secret in keeping these men about! — is stressful competition.

8) Jayymez Taylor of Texus: Coach and Tami called. They want you to stop giving their forever state and last name a bad rep and quit whining about your teammates, asking JoJo if you can kiss her and by saying, “Smooth!” upon hearing totally funky music, even if that was only one time.

9) “Music is our thing,” — JoJo to the guy she chose over Less Funny John Krazinski. She makes dating seem so easy. She knows things I don’t. I am taking notes and will bond with the next guy I meet by pointing out vague and generally-global mutual interests, too.

10) I don’t think there exists any televised moment so great as last night’s rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” — an Andrew Lloyd Weber song from the play Evita wherein the spirit of the deceased Eva Perón posthumously asks the people of Argentina not to mourn her death — coupled with an eliminated Derek softly whispering to himself, “Why am I crying?”

11) Harling was right. I do chores while this show is on. Because it is two lifeless and commercial-filled hours long!!!! And it’s true — after Derek departed and I began folding my laundry/gathering eggs from my brood hens in the backyard, I may have missed a few things. But let me tell you this: JoJo knows who she wants her husband to be. Jordan.

And he does not feel the same way back.

Photograph by ABC/Veronica Gambini via Disney ABC Press.

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  • Kelsey

    Am I the only one who has a mini Amelia in my head during the show? Wherein I’m constantly questioning, will this be featured tomorrow? Will Amelia make a cleverly-placed antic about this or that? Is it bad if it’s kind of fun?

    Quick sidebar from that: thank God we acknowledged the Wells Fuerza date. The dates this season are no bueno. Walking & soccer isn’t much substitute for, I don’t know, helicopter rides & parasailing a la past seasons.

    • Amelia Diamond

      ALSO SOMETHING I DID NOT COVER THAT NEEDS SERIOUS DISCUSSION:

      The moment after Derek departed (with “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” still playing), as JoJo stood in the center of a crowded dance floor with confetti falling down to convey a confused, double-edge-sword-sliced sadness, like Usher might have in 1999?

      • Kelsey

        THANK GOD you brought that up. Reality quite literally came crumbling down when she walked into that club, coat not in use, and proceeded to crash the Buenos Aires local’s party!!!

      • Rosie

        Hahahahah I was hoping you would mention that part!! It was SO RIDICULOUS

        *I’m in a crowd full of people, yet I feel so alooone*
        – JoJo, probably

  • Ashley

    I have so many emotions during this show. I fell asleep during most of the Chase/Jim 2.0 date until she cut him and then I was laughing so hard.

    Also, as someone on Twitter pointed out last night, JORDAN ONLY GOES ON SPORTS DATES.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Worked into his contract for sure.

  • Amelia Diamond

    Where is Andrea Raymer with this week’s Bachelorette facts !! ! ! ! ??

    • Andrea Raymer

      I’m here!!!!

      • Amelia Diamond

        phew

  • Andrea Raymer

    1. The only thing that would have made Derek’s exit better would be if the woman singing had done the Evita Arms on the last note. Come on. I’m pretty sure that is mandatory for that song. Nonetheless, that was still one of the greatest moments in television history and it just kept going. They had him cry for the entire song! I think if that was me and they did that to my crying exit from this show I wouldn’t even be mad.

    2. And how petty was it that all the dudes were picking on Wells for not having kissed jojo. It made me so sad.

    3. Neither Derek nor Chase can dance AT ALL. That tango date was so cringe.

    4. Alex is a douche.

    • Amelia Diamond

      1. Me either.
      2. Wells is Seth Cohen
      3. I didn’t watch that part! Laundry.
      4. I think next recap (it’s not for so long!! the 11th) is going to be all about alex. he’s next in line for being the worse.
      5. Truth.

      • lily

        It’s so glaringly apparent that JoJo and Wells are NOT each other’s type and it’s a wonder he was around so long???

        • Amelia Diamond

          ik but he’s so cuteee

          • I only realized Wells was not made for the show in last night’s ep. Wells is the kind of guy every girl in New York wants to meet on a dating app (realistically IRL, but let’s not talk fantasy) and never will. **Would swipe right 100x**

          • lily

            He’s the absolute cutest and now he is fair game AF Nashville here I come TBH

          • Rosie

            #Same tho, see you in Nashville (two on one date?? Lol)

          • lily

            sharing is caring! <3

  • Harling Ross

    I thought it would be nice to have 120 minutes of my Monday night back, but reading this made me miss JoJo and her dirty blonde brood.

  • Harling Ross

    Also I’m excited to tell someone “Drinking water is our thing”

    • I cringed and took my headphones out after she said that.

  • Goodbye, sweet baby bird Wells.

    Also, Jordan swirling his wine is my new reaction gif for *everything*

    • Amelia Diamond

      Was he a little coked out or just super mad

      • I am pretty sure he just thought he looked powerful. Someone should let him know…

      • Rosie

        LOL omg, but honestly… probably both

  • Ashley Alt

    I’ve been loudly singing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” (really emphasizing “Ar-HEN-tina” in a horrible accent) from my balcony all morning. I didn’t think life could get any better and then I read this. Props once again, Amelia. *High-five emoji*

  • Lauren

    Thanks for #8. I needed the validation.

  • Allison

    I’m sorry, I love John Krazinski/Jim way too much to sit idly by while he is compared to “I am Derek, Derek is imperfect” elimination-tears, over-confident, bad-tango creepster.
    Ok, I feel better now.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Oh yea he did do some third-person referencing didn’t he

  • Nat Vuk

    Can we also take a moment to appreciate Wells for sweating profusely and then talking to his date about how sweaty he is. For a second there I felt like I was watching myself on television.

    • Rosie

      Ugh I love him SO MUCH.