Something that everyone always says to me about The Bachelorette is, “It’s so fake!” Well so are JoJo’s and my eyelashes and we still have real eyeballs. Also, though I have nothing to compare her season to at all, I would risk standing on a precarious tree bough here to say that either the producers are encouraging a way more candid, off-the-cuff season than ever before or, they have given up: Season 12 is completely unhinged.
1) “Traveling was one of the funnest things for me last season,” a narrative voice-over courtesy of JoJo as though she were the Lauren Conrad of Laguna Beach, very well could have been edited or re-recorded for proper grammar. But what’s the point? People, this is where the grit is.
2) The entire cast pronounced “Buenos Aires”:
A – with as much embarrassing affectation as your white friend who took one semester of Spanish before switching to Canadian adopts whenever she sings, “I took a pill in Ibitha.”
B – like your aunt does whenever she recalls that one night stand she had during a layover on her way to Cordoba, before she raises her eyebrow to ensure you caught the “layover” joke, too.
C- properly, and yet somehow, it still sounds offensive.
3) I see Wells has given in to the complementary (although not mandatory! “Be yourself, guys” — Chris Harrison) Bachelorette stylist who believes that all men should wear evening henleys with collarless leather jackets, or else.
4) Worse even than going to see The Lobster, Fuerza Bruta is the least romantic date I could think of. Besides hog riding. But even that would be better than watching people slam into the shallow end of a pool above my head while feeling like I was second-hand drowning.
5) JoJo is perfectly and wonderfully adept at ruining potentially tender moments by calling them out as they are in progress in an effort to quell her own embarrassment. She is definitely the friend who asks, “Why did you just text me,” when you’re in a group setting but trying to shit-talk-text on the low.
6) You know how moms stab you in the heart with, “I’m disappointed in you?” JoJo’s form of attack is to puncture her suitors with appreciation. She told Wells, “I appreciate you” — then cut him on the date, and she told Derek, the Less Funny John Krazinski (tru to you, commenter who pointed this out), “I appreciate that,” after he basically asked her how they should monogram their wedding towels.
7) I have been properly single for about four months now and I can comfortably say that what has been missing from my past relationships — the secret in keeping these men about! — is stressful competition.
8) Jayymez Taylor of Texus: Coach and Tami called. They want you to stop giving their forever state and last name a bad rep and quit whining about your teammates, asking JoJo if you can kiss her and by saying, “Smooth!” upon hearing totally funky music, even if that was only one time.
9) “Music is our thing,” — JoJo to the guy she chose over Less Funny John Krazinski. She makes dating seem so easy. She knows things I don’t. I am taking notes and will bond with the next guy I meet by pointing out vague and generally-global mutual interests, too.
10) I don’t think there exists any televised moment so great as last night’s rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” — an Andrew Lloyd Weber song from the play Evita wherein the spirit of the deceased Eva Perón posthumously asks the people of Argentina not to mourn her death — coupled with an eliminated Derek softly whispering to himself, “Why am I crying?”
11) Harling was right. I do chores while this show is on. Because it is two lifeless and commercial-filled hours long!!!! And it’s true — after Derek departed and I began folding my laundry/gathering eggs from my brood hens in the backyard, I may have missed a few things. But let me tell you this: JoJo knows who she wants her husband to be. Jordan.
And he does not feel the same way back.
Photograph by ABC/Veronica Gambini via Disney ABC Press.