Rihanna Releases New Album, ‘Anti.’ Here Are the SparkNotes!

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Amelia Diamond | January 29, 2016

Rihanna dropped her new album at midnight the polite way: with a bit of proper forewarning so that none of us found ourselves casually scrolling along Instagram only to be hit with an absolute heart attack. I am not naming names, but I am pointing directly at you, Beyoncé, Drake and Botticelli.

Of course, polite or not, while we may appreciate the idea of an album in all of its story-telling fullness, we may not want to download every song. Or, we may indeed want the whole shebang but don’t have time to listen to the entire thing. Perhaps we only have two minutes for a half bang. A quickie, if you will.

And so, below, the SparkNotes equivalent of Rihanna’s Anti, so that you know exactly what to listen depending on your scenario should you live an extremely specific, compartmentalized and busy life.

Just like I imagine Rihanna to, honestly.

Consideration (feat. SZA)

Put this song on every “relax” playlist of yours for the rest of 2016. It’s perfect for the eyes closed, slow-swaying song-dancer who loves a liquid, snap happy beat. It’s so good. Also, hi SZA.

James Joint

Only one minute and three seconds long, it’s not worth a solo DL but it isn’t the song to next if you buy the whole album, either.

However, if you loved Monica in the 90s and/or stuck with the synth in band class and need to prove it’s just as worthy an instrument as the trombone, here you go.

Kiss It Better

The perfect song to do your makeup to so that you can still sing along without messing up your eyeliner or lipstick application.

Work (feat. Drake)

This song is excellent if you’re a fan of the hand puppet/“bla bla bla” combo (but would like a new alternative) during a conversation with anyone who is annoying you and running their mouth.

Desperado

IF YOU NEED TO FEEL LIKE A BAD ASS WOMAN IN ANY OF THE FOLLOWING SCENARIOS:

– While driving with your windows down and you want to blast something that will make you look chill AF.
– The above scenario but in a convertible.
– The above convertible scenario + a desert situation.
– Pretending you’re having a slow motion movie moment with a wind machine and sunglasses.
– When you want to confuse your dad by being like, “Let’s listen to ‘Desperado’!” And he’s like, “Great!,” and then you’re like, “Haha sucka, tricked u.”

Woo

If you’re in the car, but you’re a passenger not the driver, so you need a soundtrack that’s really going to accompany that right elbow-up-on-the window-while-you-twist-your-hair move.

Will be excellent for Snapchatting if you’re Kylie Jenner.

Needed Me

First, it is SUPER important that you know that this song was produced by DJ Mustard, which explains why the first line is, “Mustard on the beat.”

If you can get past that, it’s great for a passive aggressive Instagram bio:
“Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage / Fuck your white horse and a carriage”

LIKE THAT, I DARE YOU.

Yeah, I Said It

Straight up sex song. Be safe, have fun.

Same Ol’ Mistakes

You know how you can be really enjoying a movie or a show or a conversation but you’re suddenly overcome by the urge to nap? This is a great song to do that to without feeling like you missed any important plot details.

Never Ending

Excellent for the Mumford/Lumineers fan who keeps hearing great things about this Rihanna chick.

Love On the Brain

If you’re a Motown fan who didn’t think Rihanna could get any better and were looking for a song to put on “repeat” for the next five hours, this is the one.

Higher

Listen to only if it’s Bring Your Razor to Work Day, because “Higher” will GIVE YOU CHILLS. (5 o’clock leg shadow is worth it for this song.)

Close To You

Perfect for that minute on the airplane when you need a little cry and “Inside Out” isn’t doing it for you, for whatever reason.

Goodnight Gotham

Use this song to regroup after “Close To You” and then wait for Kanye West to sample it on his next record.

Pose

Play “Pose” at a party if you want to confuse everyone with an iPhone into thinking they got a text in an already-open conversation because it makes that phantom “bloop” noise repeatedly throughout.

Do not play around your mom if she’s good at catching lyrics.

Sex With Me

Download for the fact that it wouldn’t be a Rihanna album without a sexual anthem; sing along because you are female, hear you roar and a humble brag never got anyone anywhere.

Anti is available for purchase on iTunes and can be streatmed via Tidal.

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  • http://insertwth.com/ Denisse

    Haha I am definitely the: “Excellent for the Mumford/Lumineers fan who keeps hearing great things about this Rihanna chick.” I don’t think I’ve bought an album since James Bay.

    • Alice Vasquez

      I am getting a salary of 4600 dollars each week. Over a year ago I was in a horrible condition , jobless and no bank credit . Thanks to one of my friends who showed me a way where I was able to gather myself and making average of 58 d/h. So it can change your life as it has changed mine.

      To Know More About That Click Here
      fv…

  • l:ly

    bless u 4 this

  • http://www.ohbigwoop.com Lauren

    I will reference this often. I tried listening to itunes clips this morning, but the titles weren’t giving me enough context to know which one to spend time on. Also..i’m disappointed in “work” because I think my expectations were pretty high for drake/riri after “take care”…

  • Yvonne Dunlevie

    I listened to Higher and I think I grew a beard

  • http://www.hellozauni.com ZAUNI.

    The song Work is in patois, commonly spoken throughout the Caribbean (which is why a lot of people who don’t know patois have been finding it hard to understand, lol). It’s dancehall, and she’s a Caribbean woman – I love that she emphasized that with ANTI.

    • Amelia Diamond

      You know what that is so awesome Zauni I had no idea. I was reading the lyrics online like WHAT

  • http://www.p2918.com Marissa Dawson

    I find that the older I get, the less I give a damn, the more I like rhianna. This is the first rhianna album where I like more than one song. Such a weird day: Bey screws up an Rhi Rhi get’s it right.

  • http://www.lisathomsonlive.com Lisa Thomson

    She is rhi rhi hot! Thanks for the notes!

  • pterridactyl

    Where did that voice on Love on the Brain come from?!?!!

    Damn I just can’t get enough!

    • Marlene Henry

      I am getting a salary of 5800 dollars each week. Over a year ago I was in a horrible condition , jobless and no bank credit . Thanks to one of my friends who showed me a way where I was able to gather myself and making average of 57 d/h. So it can change your life as it has changed mine.

      To Know More About That Click Here
      zq…