Rihanna Releases New Album, ‘Anti.’ Here Are the SparkNotes!
Rihanna dropped her new album at midnight the polite way: with a bit of proper forewarning so that none of us found ourselves casually scrolling along Instagram only to be hit with an absolute heart attack. I am not naming names, but I am pointing directly at you, Beyoncé, Drake and Botticelli.
Of course, polite or not, while we may appreciate the idea of an album in all of its story-telling fullness, we may not want to download every song. Or, we may indeed want the whole shebang but don’t have time to listen to the entire thing. Perhaps we only have two minutes for a half bang. A quickie, if you will.
And so, below, the SparkNotes equivalent of Rihanna’s Anti, so that you know exactly what to listen depending on your scenario should you live an extremely specific, compartmentalized and busy life.
Just like I imagine Rihanna to, honestly.
Consideration (feat. SZA)
Put this song on every “relax” playlist of yours for the rest of 2016. It’s perfect for the eyes closed, slow-swaying song-dancer who loves a liquid, snap happy beat. It’s so good. Also, hi SZA.
Only one minute and three seconds long, it’s not worth a solo DL but it isn’t the song to next if you buy the whole album, either.
However, if you loved Monica in the 90s and/or stuck with the synth in band class and need to prove it’s just as worthy an instrument as the trombone, here you go.
Kiss It Better
The perfect song to do your makeup to so that you can still sing along without messing up your eyeliner or lipstick application.
Work (feat. Drake)
This song is excellent if you’re a fan of the hand puppet/“bla bla bla” combo (but would like a new alternative) during a conversation with anyone who is annoying you and running their mouth.
IF YOU NEED TO FEEL LIKE A BAD ASS WOMAN IN ANY OF THE FOLLOWING SCENARIOS:
– While driving with your windows down and you want to blast something that will make you look chill AF.
– The above scenario but in a convertible.
– The above convertible scenario + a desert situation.
– Pretending you’re having a slow motion movie moment with a wind machine and sunglasses.
– When you want to confuse your dad by being like, “Let’s listen to ‘Desperado’!” And he’s like, “Great!,” and then you’re like, “Haha sucka, tricked u.”
If you’re in the car, but you’re a passenger not the driver, so you need a soundtrack that’s really going to accompany that right elbow-up-on-the window-while-you-twist-your-hair move.
Will be excellent for Snapchatting if you’re Kylie Jenner.
First, it is SUPER important that you know that this song was produced by DJ Mustard, which explains why the first line is, “Mustard on the beat.”
If you can get past that, it’s great for a passive aggressive Instagram bio:
“Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage / Fuck your white horse and a carriage”
LIKE THAT, I DARE YOU.
Yeah, I Said It
Straight up sex song. Be safe, have fun.
Same Ol’ Mistakes
You know how you can be really enjoying a movie or a show or a conversation but you’re suddenly overcome by the urge to nap? This is a great song to do that to without feeling like you missed any important plot details.
Excellent for the Mumford/Lumineers fan who keeps hearing great things about this Rihanna chick.
Love On the Brain
If you’re a Motown fan who didn’t think Rihanna could get any better and were looking for a song to put on “repeat” for the next five hours, this is the one.
Listen to only if it’s Bring Your Razor to Work Day, because “Higher” will GIVE YOU CHILLS. (5 o’clock leg shadow is worth it for this song.)
Close To You
Perfect for that minute on the airplane when you need a little cry and “Inside Out” isn’t doing it for you, for whatever reason.
Use this song to regroup after “Close To You” and then wait for Kanye West to sample it on his next record.
Play “Pose” at a party if you want to confuse everyone with an iPhone into thinking they got a text in an already-open conversation because it makes that phantom “bloop” noise repeatedly throughout.
Do not play around your mom if she’s good at catching lyrics.
Sex With Me
Download for the fact that it wouldn’t be a Rihanna album without a sexual anthem; sing along because you are female, hear you roar and a humble brag never got anyone anywhere.