10 Weird Things About the Notebook

The-notebookThe Notebook turns 10 today, happy birthday, yadda yadda. Now listen. You can pretend your cinematic taste is so elevated you’d never deign to watch it or that your heart is so black that even though you did watch, you thought it “sucked,” but I call bullshit on you and humanity because this movie could make a tuna melt cry — it is that good. The first time I watched it my mom nearly had to drive me to the hospital because I started choking from crying so hard.

But here’s the thing. It’s also super fucking weird. So in spirit of the 10 year anniversary, here are 10 things we need to stop pretending didn’t happen.

1) Noah is more or less a psychopath. He threatens to kill himself if Allie doesn’t agree to a date.

2) Then he claims he relaxes by lying down in the middle of the street. Oh cool same.

3) He takes Allie to a haunted house to have sex for the first time.

4) And then he takes her to a lake filled with SWANS. Why does no one understand that a lake full of swans is absolutely disgusting? Just imagine that instead of swans, it was a lake full of pigeons. Not so picturesque now, is it?

5) Allie also had a lot of issues prior to her late-age-dementia, such as Clinical Lycanthropy: “a rare psychiatric syndrome that involves a delusion that the affected person can transform into, has transformed into, or is a non-humananimal.”

Allie: Say I’m a bird.
Noah: No. Won’t do it.
Allie: Say I’m a bird
Noah: Stop it. Stop it now.
Allie: SAY IT!  <– She also was dealing with poor anger management. However, Clinical Lycanthropy disorder explains why she was not freaked out during their little trip to swan lake.

6) Also, her dad is the Monopoly guy before he went grey.

7) E from Entourage has a girlfriend before Ryan Gosling does. In what world? Did E direct this movie or something?

8) The stupid newsboy caps. I think the cast of Disney’s 1992 hit Newsies can tell you that no one’s gotten a hand job in a newsboy cap since EVER.

9) Leandra wants to know who leaves their engagement ring on while having intercourse with another man? “Come on Allie,” she said in a stern voice while I typed. “Get your shit together.”

Ed. note from Leandra: I am not cheating on my husband.

10) Finally, when that woman Martha Washington or whatever comes over to Noah’s with a basket of muffins for a morning booty call, Allie invites her in. (Allie’s also passive aggressive: if my ex-boyfriend-who-I-was-panic-sleeping-with’s current hook up came over avec muffins I’d be like, look Martha Washington, this is awkward, but you have to leave.) That’s not the weird part.

The weird part is that Martha Washington doesn’t reemerge until sunset, which means she was in there for a full work-day, which sounds like a threesome to me BUT I’ve watched enough cult-related documentaries to know that they were definitely brainwashing her. Why do you think we never hear from her again?

Exactly.

Now who wants to come over tonight?

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE

Thoughts?
  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    this may be the best thing you have ever posted. Also weird: how did Dan from One Tree Hill go back in time and date Allie’s mom?

    • Amelia Diamond

      I need a visual CJ.

      • Aubrey Green

        The coal miner, right CJ? hahaha this is funny.

        • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

          YES.

      • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

        *~*~* the one that got away *~*~*~*

        • Amelia Diamond

          hahaaa

          • http://www.cocoandcocoa.com/ Lola Byatt

            haha omg why did i never notice that nate’s dad was in the notebook?! xx

    • Zenija

      Raise your hand if you went on a date with that guy. cough*

  • Polly Daszkiewicz

    Ha. Brilliant.

    http://www.polway.eu

  • Flavia

    This is the best.post.ever

  • Sienna

    “Science only goes so far and then comes God” – The cheesy drama justified with one quote.

  • Aubrey Green

    I loved the Notebook. This is hilarious.

  • http://insouciant-love.tumblr.com/ Hunter

    this post is everything. I am dying. Good call on Martha Washington

  • http://cocodrizzle.blogspot.com Andrea Bennett

    Love this post. So hilarious

  • http://sedapop.blogspot.com Carolina Petrosky

    Agree! It´s refreshing to know that other people also have a slight delay before commenting on first impressions.

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    This is going to sound weird, but I never saw The Notebook. Knowing all of this weird shit happens, though, might make me get drunk and watch it. Because watching movies while drunk dramatically ups their weirdo factor. :-)

  • agordon

    Christian Bale was in Newsies and I bet he’s had a lot of action since then…with or without a newsboy cap.

    • Amelia Diamond

      without

  • MK

    I like newsboy caps!

  • Cyn

    HA! This is classic.

  • http://www.abstractorganza.com/ Idalia

    lol this is just the post i need to see at work. THE BEST

    cheers,
    idalia
    http://ww.abstractorganza.com

  • Mariah

    This has just made my day. Thank you :)

    theatricalitybymariah.blogspot.com

  • kiki

    Yes, this is not a comment but- I have never met or heard anyone EVER use avec or alors in a mainly English sentence besides me. Amelia: are we secret twins???

    • kiki

      I meant a comment on the subject. Sorry!

    • Amelia Diamond

      do you have a birthmark that looks like a foot on the inside of your left arm by your elbow!??!

  • Charlotte

    Putting Amelia’s articles on the Best of the Internet list already says what I wanted to say :)

  • http://www.itscarmen.com ≈ CARMEN ≈

    Hahaha. I knew this film was hiding many dark secrets. Thanks for bringing them to light. :] // itsCarmen.com ☼

  • Julia

    HA this is the best thing I’ve read all day. All I have to say is, Ryan Gosling, now and forever <3 :)

  • Brittany

    This is hysterical. You chicks made my day.

  • moustachic

    you crack me up! this was epicccc hahaha

  • Mary

    Spot on Amelia! Loved the movie but did think about all this weird stuff as it was happening in the movie. I think these movies make you really need to pay attention just in case the subplots all tangle themselves together as the end of the movie.

  • http://www.kristellouisa.com/ Kristel Louisa

    I’m trying so hard not to laugh in fact that I’m reading this in my quite office! LOL Leandra you’ve made my day.

    TRENDESCOPE
    http://www.kristellouisa.com

  • http://www.thevelvetblack.co.uk/ Alice Young

    This freaked me out a bit haha! Love it though! Makes the movie a little more interesting!

    The Velvet Black // UK Style, Beauty and Lifestyle Blog

  • http://www.cocoandcocoa.com/ Lola Byatt

    i only watched it recently and was finally able to appreciate the “if you’re a bird, i’m a bird” scene, i did melt a little when he said that. i have to say though, i totally made a point about goslings’ character being a bit weird when he hung from the ferris wheel…total weirdo! but all thoughts of pyschoness disappeared when they had a montage of clips summarising their summer love, i’ve watched that particular scene no less than a 1000 times.

  • Dominique
  • Esther

    #5. I’ll never look at that scene the same

  • http://www.themacadames.com Anisa from The Macadames

    Omg Amelia, you actually kill me. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read. And also what about the fact that Noah builds Allie’s dream home knowing he’ll probably never see her again. Let it go dude.

    Anisa – The Macadames. xx
    http://www.themacadames.com

  • http://josephiner.com/ Josephine

    Hahahah! Fantastic!

  • Erika

    Hahaha. This post is EVERYTHING. My fave part: Say I’m a bird! Hahaha. Too funny.

  • CEVE

    Hillarious! :)

  • Hopelessly Romantic

    1.) Noah jokingly hangs from the Ferris Wheel to coerce Allie into going on a date with him, which following said date, the couple falls in love and shares their lifetime together. Doesn’t sound that awful to me.

    2.) Have you ever seen a ball roll into the middle of the street? I have seen several people lay, play, or hangout in the street. Myself included. Not a strange or a rare occurrence in a city.

    3.) The house where the couple has their first intimate night together is in no way haunted. Noah clearly explain that it is his dream home and hopes to purchase the property and renovate it, start to finish. The evening they share together is romantic and spontaneous. Not to mention, I assume they raise their children in that house and spend many decades worth of memories in that “haunted house”.

    4.) Uhhhhh, who doesn’t like swans? If someone was thoughtful enough to take me out on a boat, and row me through a reclusive area, hidden from the public, where hundreds of swans come for a few weeks to nest, once a year. I have a feeling that it would be a cherished moment in my life and an unforgettable experience.

    5.) Are you sure you have the latest version of the DSM ( Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)? Last time I checked, that was considered flirting. Does Noah respond? Yes. Do they continue to say “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.” for the remainder of their lives? I believe so.

    6.) Just because Allie’s father and the monopoly character have similar mustache’s, does not make them the same, whatsoever. Do you have some sort of an emotional attachment to the monopoly character? Because THAT is a mental disorder.

    7.) What the hell does Entourage have to do with The Notebook? Ryan Gosling is recluse in this movie, and Allie is the love of his life. Why on earth would he have a girlfriend?

    8.) The movie is set in the 1940s. Name me someone in the 1940s who got a handjob and wasn’t wearing a newsboy cap.

    9.) If I was reunited with the love of my life after years apart, my engagement ring probably wouldn’t be in the forefront of my mind. Have you have had sex so hot, you forget that the rest of the world exists. Apparently not, and I’m sorry for you.

    10.) Brainwashing Martha about what? I assume that in Allie’s sweet natured personality, she would have the heart to apologize. As I recall, Martha leaves somewhat distraught about the circumstances. Not everyone just tells the “other girl” to just leave, some people take responsibility for their actions and apologize for their behavior.

    Don’t ruin a fantastic love story for everyone simply because you disagree.

    • http://batman-news.com Nikki Lowe

      You completely missed the humorousness of this. Also, I think you’re a little too emotionally attached to the movie. THAT may be something worth looking into.

    • Cat

      I don’t think you got the point of this at all. AT ALL. Wait, did I just state the obvious there? Dang, you got me!

    • Gene

      You clearly don’t know that swans are MEAN birds. And rowing into a nesting area during nesting season? Sounds idiotic and dangerous. My uncle in law had to beat a swan away from his son with a paddle while canoeing once upon a time. Not romantic.

  • BethanyBeach

    I thought I was the only one who thought the characters were really out there hahaha

  • Mary Lopez

    Awesome! Share with you an authorized
    Oakley outlet online shop, Just got 2 pairs from here. Just in: http://www.okglasses-super.com/

  • Nouroze

    Nice Posts

    Indian Songs

  • ItsNasB

    You so right. And this was funny

  • john