One of the most trying experiences as a New Yorker who runs on Dunkin’ and therefore on coffee is what happens when the runs relocate from, let’s say your legs, to your digestive system.
You’re standing on Mercer Street, right? And you live too many blocks away to get home without first leaving a brown track on your trek. You’re thinking: oh my goodness, oh my goodness, yeah, yeah this it, okay, it’s coming. I am going to make like Sex and The City‘s Charlotte and Poo-kipsie all over SoHo.
You’re partially relieved because you know on the other end of these contractions, there is certainly no baby but then again, you’re about to obliterate your favorite jeans. The ones you just bought, right before getting that third coffee, you fucking moron!
You look around. You see a movie theater. You’ve heard they don’t allow patrons to use the bathroom unless they’re paying customers. You try anyway and much to your dismay and time, the chatter was right. Paying customers only. There’s a Starbucks nearby too but those bathrooms have all too audibly marketed themselves as For The People. The line is practically out the damn door. We’re running out of time.
And then, you lay your eyes on Jamba Juice. It’s your last sliver of hope save for the Balenciaga store. But I won’t even get into that — it’d be the wrong way to blow your load. So you try for Jamba Juice.
You walk in, ask to use the bathroom, the cashier points you toward one looking more like Jesus than any human ever has and BAM! Blast-off diarrhea, contained by a toilet which is pleasantly sterile and then, when all is said and pooped you think: Damn. What will I do if — sorry, when — this happens again?
Thank goodness for Gotham, who has clearly already thanked goodness for Reddit, which has mapped out where some of the best public bathrooms in New York City are situated, sparing no detail about why they’re great. That’s is literal commitment to a pile of shit.
Above image shot by Mario Testino