Missed Connections for Assholes

by Charlotte Fassler
May 9, 2014
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Last week Amelia and I were walking down Bleecker street, minding our own business when a cranky blonde girl, top knot bouncing above her head, came charging straight for us with the ferocity of a hyena stampeding toward Mufasa. She could have moved just one foot to the right, but no — for whatever reason, maybe her knot was too tight, she marched directly into Amelia then loudly exclaimed, “MOVE, BITCH!”

Utterly shocked, we froze in this fight or flight situation. In hindsight, I wish I had shouted profanities. I wish I’d created a barricade with my body so she couldn’t pass through, or perhaps gifted her a knuckle sandwich. Amelia regrets not barking at her, and Leandra said she would have one-upped Knotty’s “Move Bitch” by responding a la Ludacris with, “Get out the way!” There are plenty of alternatives to how this situation could have gone down, and we still regret the missed opportunities.

Luckily, The New Yorker imagined a tool that could alleviate this boiling anger that plagues those of us who have unfinished business with insufferable characters: Missed Connections for Assholes. When I think about Craigslist Missed Connections, I think of an online space reserved for unrequited love to flourish. A typical entry may read: “Dude with a man bun on the M train this AM who was also reading Nabokov — We smiled at each other. You were missing a front tooth but in a hip way <3.”

However, in the new and improved version of Missed Connections you can seek out assholes like this girl:

“We made small talk in the checkout line at Trader Joe’s. You said that you literally could not live without the salsa you were buying. I wish we could talk again. You used “literally” incorrectly. It really pissed me off. I wish you could literally not live without that salsa, because then I’d take it from you.”

I would maybe post something like the following:

To the person with the complicated drink order when I was just trying to buy this granola bar and not starve to death, you almost made me starve to death. When I do die, I will haunt you. Forever.

Who do you have unfinished business with? What would you write? This is therapy, let it out in the comments.

[Missed Connections for Assholes via The New Yorker]

REPLIES
  • SihamMichelle

    You and your friend were biking on your pretentious mountain bikes on a neighborhood path where I was jogging peacefully. You rang your stupid bike bell 50x to warn me. That was nice, so I moved significantly to the far right edge of the path, nearly into the grass. I guess it wasn’t far enough for you that you felt the need to scream, “MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!” when you were 3 seconds behind me, scaring me half to death and then laughing. I wish we could meet up again so I could throw large rocks at your helmet and then push you and your expensive bike into the nearby lake.

  • GapToothedGirl

    It’s the same here in Milan!! Love, Gap.
    http://www.gaptoothedgirl.com

  • nikkinikki

    Tall girl in the elevator of my building, sorry I made you 10 seconds later than you already were by accidentally hitting the wrong floor for another resident in the elevator. You are so right these things always happen when you are terribly late for something. . These first world, big city living problems ain’t easy and I hear ya sister.

  • exploringwardrobes

    oh man i HATE rude people. Me and my best friend have volunteered in a charity shop which I guess you guys call a thrift shop for the past 3 years and we’ve come across some rude characters. Then there was the time we worked in a retail fashion shop over the Christmas period, something about the festivities gets women and men alike ready to murder shop assistants. Even harder when you’re getting paid so you have to be nice to these arseholes!

    http://exploringwardrobes.blogspot.co.uk/

  • Aubrey Green

    Dear Pedestrian that yelled at me and said, “what are you waiting for, GO!!” for giving the right away to the other Pedestrians that were in the cross walk. Karma is a bitch and I think she is made of metal in your case. Good luck in life.

  • Quinn Halman

    Dear cyclist,
    isnt biking in the city fun? the breeze in your helmet-hair, finding new routes, and looking cool. But do you know what else is fun and cool? TRAFFIC LIGHT LAWS.
    Truly,
    the chick you almost ran over after her barre class

    • hila

      ditto!

  • Kelly

    To the woman in the multnomah falls parking lot who stood in my parking space after I had patiently waited my turn for an hour without losing my temper. I yelled at you and drove off in a rage, only to have waisted an entire afternoon without reaching my destination. I wish I would have just calmly parked my car right in front of the spot so that, while I might have gotten my car towed, at least you would have lost too. You, are the biggest ass hole I have ever met. Good day.

  • http://sayyestobadthings.blogspot.com Lauren Connelly

    dear car full of jack asses that screamed at me ‘THIS ISN”T NEW YORK’ when I was wearing my I heart NY tee-shirt. thanks. I had been wandering around lost for days before that and had been unable to determine my geographical location. I can only assume you peaked back in high school when you were a star pupil of your geography class and this was an attempt to continue to re-live those memories. I wish we could meet again so I could tell you where you can shove my big apple.

  • Securewithmyself

    Dear guy in the Black Dodge Charger with the tinted windows and small penis, who thinks signalling is beneath him – you cut me off with only an inch to spare by coming into my lane suddenly and then gave me the middle finger after I honked at you, I would love to see you again so I could see what you’re like outside of your small penis car and laugh at how insecure you clearly are, because YOU are a douchebag and you deserve my laughter.

  • Sasha Jane Shanks

    This article and comments section I think is by far my favourite ever and completely subscribes to who I am haha awesome work giving people a forum to healthily vent their rage in a hilarious manner. Love your work xx

    http://www.styledbysasha.com

  • ClaireUnderwear

    You came up to me tried to kiss me at the bar “BeeBops” before asking me my name, as you were very very drunk. I said “I usually like to know a gentleman’s name before he sticks his tongue in my mouth.” You told me your name was Tony, and tried to kiss me again. I turned away. You then took off your shirt for my friend, and tried to kiss everyone in the bar before the bouncer tried to kick you out, but you had too much love to give. You were forcefully removed, and lingered in the parking lot. The police came and tased you, and you pooped your pants. Thanks for the very interesting evening, Tony.

  • Bianca

    Dear Mid-Life Crisis Paunch in Lycra, you were running at an unreasonable speed through a busy street at 11am on a Saturday, I was peacefully walking back from my Spin class, relishing in the endorphins and (albeit weak) London sunshine. I thought we had an unspoken bond of ‘people who enjoy exercise at the weekend’ or even ‘people who are seen outside in workout clothes’ but no, you proceeded to shoulder barge me with the force and aggression of a Pamplona bull, and as I turned in shock (and pain), mouthed profanities at me. I appreciate this may have been a last ditch attempt to engage physical contact with a twenty-something female before the inevitable old age sets in but it was a tad unnecessary. I hope you never run fast enough to escape your sins or your guilty conscience and may the next person you barge be wearing Balmain-esque spiked epaulettes.

    • CY

      Balmain-esque spiked epaulettes made me laugh so hard!
      Here in India, I may just need a hedgehog costume.

  • Leandra Medine

    Culturally ambiguous man in the velvet blazer in spite of the 80 degree day and burnt red suede driver shoes with the weird floppy gingham bows on them,
    why are you wearing weird suede driver shoes with floppy gingham bows on them?

  • Guin

    Dear woman at the gym: You’re two machines down and your voice is drowning out my music. Shut up and exercise.

  • ASingerStoleMyName

    To the lady with the red lipstick and nose ring. You got on the Bx41 bus today and knew you did not have your fare ready. The bus driver actually waited 2 minutes for you to get your coins in order. You knew the bus was coming because you were waiting for it. And in retrospect we had to WAIT for you because you wasn’t proactive. Next time don’t board the bus unless you have your metro card ready or in your case your 2.50 in coins. You’ll save 15 New Yorkers time we don’t really have!

  • Lelano

    What goes around, comes around. So stay tuned…

  • ErinPaige

    I overheard your Australian accent at a restaurant in Botswana, I was excited to hear the voice of someone from my own country. I worked up the courage to introduce myself. You smiled kindly, we had so much in common, both midwives! Then you explained, with a strangely blank smile still on your face why you hate taking care of women who “don’t even have English names”. You impersonated an Indian lady in an unflattering way. I explained my grandfather was Indian. You weren’t listening and then finished with “I don’t even know which African country I’m in, they’re all a bit the same anyway!” You chuckled to yourself. I felt shamed in front of my Namibian colleague. You got on a boat to view wildlife. If you didn’t, as I had hoped, get eaten by a crocodile, I wish we could meet again so I could calmly explain why you are everything wrong with shitty tourists that come to Africa and revoke your passport.

  • uglianna

    You said nice things to me and complimented me. You laughed at my jokes. For a while I felt really good. Then somehow things weren’t quite the same. Before you know it I got sick of hearing the things you said that were bad and well, weird. Before I knew it you were becoming a creeper. So that’s what it is. Revenge is a dish better not served. You did some things that were pretty horrible. Not nice at all.

  • Dyana

    Omg; hilarious. I have plenty to vent about.

  • La Dolce Caterina

    Fair warning to mini tribes of Santa Fe Whole Foods cock blockers: I’m the one who added the extra “s” to your Texas license plate. Deal with it. Oh yeah, you won’t see it cuz u blind… BOOM!

  • Dancingcheektocheek
  • Cee

    I was standing patiently as we approached the subway stop on the E train. It wasn’t even crowded, but you pushed your way past me and nearly knocked me over to be the first one off the train. It felt so good when I passed you up the stairs and beat you out of the exit gate. I rushed as fast as I could to avoid holding the door for you, but you managed to make it anyway. You caught up with me and were right behind me as I ran to catch my bus, so I spread my wings out to pretend I was fixing my bag that was “falling” off my shoulder, so I could stop you from rudely cutting me off yet again.
    You exclaimed, “What the fuck was that for?!” – as if you had NO IDEA that you were trailing me and completely cut me off on the subway. I continued on my merry way, with the satisfaction of getting in your way. I regret saying “you did the same thing to me on the subway”, but I had places to go. Bitch.

  • Iamnotafitnessfreak

    Dearest Dickhead who decided to stick your used chewing him to spine of one of the books in the library where I work; I’m sorry that the multitude of garbage cans placed conveniently every 10 feet in our library were not up to your used-gum-throwing-away standards and you felt you had no other option than to sully the spine of a Wolverine graphic novel. I hope you realize that the books come alive at night (just like in Night at the Museum) and Wolverine is gonna hunt you down.

  • CeeKay

    To the bar patron who asked me about my politics only to allow yourself the opportunity to belittle my liberal college education: trying being conservative about opening up your mouth.

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