Think of the work week as a mountain: You are now triumphantly standing at its apex, preparing for a two day descent to the weekend. Making it to the huevos rancheros and Bloody Mary at the end of your journey is going to take every ounce of energy you can muster, but your crew doesn’t seem to understand. “Sleep when you’re dead,” they furiously text you. “Let’s go out tonight. YOLO! Carpe Diem!” Not even taking into account that a) it’s Wednesday, b) it’s cold, c) you have stuff to do. What stuff? See below.
Cue up Seamless, order some Szechuan-grilled awesomeness and light a fancy candle.
While you wait for your grub to arrive, slather on a face mask. Here’s an easy guide to finding the right one for your skin concern.
Thirty minutes and one embarrassing encounter with an early bird delivery man later, wash your face and put on a velour track suit.
Preferably the Juicy Couture one you bought in 2003. There’s a new television series in town developed by Gossip Girl creators Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage (you might also know them from a little velour-loving show called The O.C.) in partnership with Mila Kunis. The show will be called Made in L.A. and is based on The Glitter Plan — the Juicy founders’ memoir — which means the two piece style is due for a comeback. (Told you.) Dig it out and ask yourself whether you can get behind wearing it in public again. I mean intellectually.
Oh no! Your food is getting cold. Give it 60 seconds in the microwave before plopping down in front of the TV.
Nothing good on regular cable and your Apple TV is freezing? Watch Adele on The Late Late Show With James Corden while you wait for that fussy box to restart.
3b. Stuck on the phone with your service provider because now your TV isn’t working at all? Watch these actors recreate quotable magic with that one line from Gone with the Wind. Remember, when Mercury’s in retrograde,all your technology is bound to get screwed. Frankly, that planet just doesn’t give a damn.
Man, that was fun. So is drinking your face on a latte.
Wait, huh? So apparently there’s now a device that will literally imprint the selfie of your choice on milk foam. Give yourself a good 45 minutes to pick just the right one to grace your morning joe. I mean morning you. Then take another 45 to figure out how you’ll pay for such a privilege — the technology costs $999 flat, or $85 for a monthly plan. (My reaction when I heard that was basically this.)
After realizing you’re doomed to a plebeian life of generic coffee art, soothe your disappointment with some online shopping.
Sock booties, perhaps? Wide leg pants? A new coat? (All the good ones are on sale!) You’ll be able to pay for it if you win the Powerball lotto. Proceed to spend the rest of your evening dividing your thoughts between click bait-y headlines and the PC state of award shows today (but definitely don’t think about that guy, ugh — text us instead, we’re talking resolutions vs. goals), then fall into a deep, blissful sleep.
You’ve got the rest of your life to go out.