If I had not launched Man Repeller five years ago, there is a 49% chance I would be fact-checking at a daily newspaper on the brink of becoming a bi-weekly, a 21% chance I would be sitting behind a table dressed up in a cardboard sign that read “Free Advice! <3” in Union Square, an 11% chance I would be trying to make my own shoes, a 7% chance I would be foraging mushrooms in Maine, a 0% chance I would be doing math and a 3% chance I would be attempting to develop my own app.
Considering how low that last likelihood is and the mere fact that I did launch Man Repeller (and therefore spend 85% of my time picking at my eyebrows and thinking of shit to think about and then write), it is something extraordinary that I spend the other 15% of my time thinking about what that app would do.
Which, mind you, I have narrowed down to three services.
1. Chalk-to-Gold: this app would turn the chalk you have left from your blackboard days into bars of gold. Geared toward retired teachers frustrated with their 401ks, the app would require a substantial sign up fee but would also pay itself back in dividends (depending on how much chalk you’ve hoarded). If you didn’t have chalk, or care much for gold, you might be interested in Chalk-to-Gold’s phase two, which would include the medically remarkable ability to turn said retired teacher into a modern day Cumberbatch!
2. Brusher: Similar to Uber, this second app would be a kind of luxury service that championed entrepreneurship by virtue of its modus operandi. But instead of pledging drivers to clients, we would pledge people — hair stylists and moms alike — equipped with hair brushes, who would show up at your door step with a set of three, ask you to choose one (thick, medium, comb) and for the subsequent hour, brush your hair. You could share whatever lament you wished with your brusher, but he or she would not be required to participate unless you’d signed up for the therapy add-on. If it felt a bit like being wrongfully charged something obscene for adding avocado to your salad, that’s because it’s similar.
3. Rabbit, Rabbit: This one would simply deliver a live bunny to your doorstep on the first of every new month as an old-fashioned reminder of the 12 new chances we get each year. You would not be required to return the bunny, which, according to how long you are signed up for the app, could prove itself a really interesting case study in cohabitation.
So, what would yours look like? Paint a picture in 500 words and submit that shit to email@example.com before next Thursday (March 5th) at 12 p.m. EST. Comb through past entries here.