Hey girl, what’s your sign? I ask because according to Chinese astrology, which operates on a completely separate plane from Susan Miller’s zodiac, I’m a rabbit, and I need to make sure we’re compatible.
Here’s how it works: there are 12 categories all named after different animals, and each one gets a year-long rotation. This year, all of the honor goes to the Monkey, who fell in the universe’s favor at the start of the Chinese calendar on February 7, 2016. He’ll hold reign until February 2017 and won’t come back around again until 2028.
As for the rest of us non-primates? Don’t fret. The stars still have plenty of celestial magic to spare.
Birth years: 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
(Note: Because the Chinese calendar operates on a later schedule, consider February 4th — instead of January 1 — the first day of each year.)
Qualities: Shrewdness, stubbornness, ambition — all of which culminate in a wonderful way. Once you set your sights on an idea, it’s all but guaranteed to happen.
Horoscope: Fluff your pillows, buy some fancy new underwear and get ready for sweet, sweet loving. A great romance is on your horizon. What happens next is up to you, so start swiping.
If You’re an Oregon Trail Fan: Viva la Oxen!
Birth years: 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
Qualities: You’re steady and reliable, like a rock. Or, you know, an ox.
Horoscope: Last year may have sucked, but according to the cosmos, things are on the up and up. Especially your career. Now’s the time to ask for that promotion. Pro tip: do it on cashmere Friday.
It’s the Eye of the Tiger
Birth years: 1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
Qualities: You’re confident and charming, sometimes to the point of boastfulness. It’s okay — you’ve got enough innate charisma to pull it off.
Horoscope: Three words: Beware the Monkey. She is your natural enemy and luck is on her side this year — not an ideal combination. So long as you can side-step conflict there, excellent things will be brewing in the L-O-V-E department you sly big cat, you.
Birth years: 1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Qualities: You’re sincere, kind and full of luck — not just in your feet.
Horoscope: Right after Madame Monkey, you’ve got the best horoscope of all the creatures this new year. Relationships will grow strong, business will boom. Stop worrying and let it all happen.
Let’s ride the Dragon Wagon.
Birth years: 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Qualities: You have a courageous, artistic and dare I say fiery personality.
Horoscope: This year isn’t about meeting Mr. or Ms. Right for you. (Doesn’t mean you can’t have fun!) But do channel your mental energy toward bettering the rest of your life, instead. Learn a new skill. Haven’t you always wanted to learn fire-breathing? The hard work will pay off.
Piece of Snake
Birth years: 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Qualities: You’re wise, elegant, attractive and vain, which can only mean you excel in Snapchat.
Horoscope: You may want to put the kibosh on spontaneous purchases for a bit — finances will be higher for you reptilians this year. But what you lack in cash money, you’ll get back in meaningful connections, tenfold.
Hold Your Horses
Birth years: 1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Qualities: You’re popular, ambitious and strong. Just like a racing Thoroughbred, not much can slow you down.
Horoscope: Love isn’t in the air, but financial prosperity is! Not the worst trade-off, right? Use the extra dough to take yourself out on a fancy a$$ date night.
Got Your Goat.
Birth years: 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015
Qualities: You’re polite, compassionate, calm and intuitive. You’ve got a knack for listening to — and understanding — others.
Horoscope: Whether it’s quitting a bad habit or putting an idea in motion, now’s the time to take action. The galaxy is backing any new things you try this year, so take advantage.
Hey, hey, hey, you’re the monkey.
Birth Years: 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016
Qualities: Witty, intelligent and inventive — you’ve got opposable thumbs and voice box, and you aren’t afraid to use either.
Horoscope: It’s your birthday year, and the next one won’t be until 2028, so celebrate, monkeys, celebrate! Your presents will come in the form of successful business ventures, lots of new friends and passionate encounters. The caveat: You’ll be super busy, so carving out time for your loved ones may be a struggle.
Rolling Rooster — or Chicken. Rolling Chicken.
Birth years: 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017
Qualities: Just like the noble creatures behind your morning scramble, you’re industrious and independent.
Horoscope: Less random hook-ups, more meaningful discussions and commitments this year. And lots of positive self-growth! Your ‘scope has good cock-a-doodle-juju all around.
Hot diggity Dogs.
Birth years: 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018
Qualities: You’re friendly, loyal and playful. Hopefully you do not also have a wet nose.
Horoscope: Warning: Self-doubt will creep in during these upcoming months, threatening your relationships with others and your professional life. The remedy: Don’t let the nagging insecurities pull you down and all will turn out just fine. Seriously — you’ve got this.
It’s okay to be a Boar.
Birth years: 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031
Qualities: Relaxed, optimistic and trusting, you’re an innately happy human.
Horoscope: According to the planets, you aren’t destined to pair up any time soon, so zero-in on yourself instead. (Hubba, hubba.) Looking to launch a new business? Redecorate? Sky dive? The stars points to success.
Collage by Emily Zirimis.