The worst is being gathered around a team of sharp-shooting joke machines firing off LOLs like nerf-balls when, for whatever reason, your brain decides to stop working and gives you nothing to contribute. Dread knows no fear like that moment when everyone looks to you for a punchline — it’s the verbal equivalent of being caught in a dance circle with zero moves (or maybe your only move is The Sprinkler and Disco Dan not only just swiped it, but nailed it).
I’m not going to lie. This rarely happens to me. It’s equal parts that I’m A) hilarious and B) just kidding about point A! and C) like a Boy Scout, I’m never not prepared. That’s right. I show up to every party armed with at least five jokes JUST IN CASE. You never know if there’s going to be a dull moment that needs filling, or an impromptu comedy battle.
Sometimes, you just straight up have nothing else to say.
So with that, here are 5 lines to steal this weekend (but throw their originators some love via Twitter if you happen to use one on Public Access or something):
I feel sorry for cats because they can never YOLO.
— Doug Cooper (@thedougbag) January 16, 2013
I never know what to say at a party so I usually start with “does watermelon make you shit a lot too?” — Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) June 3, 2014
Nothing makes me feel better than a photo of a sandwich getting more Instagram likes than a picture of someone’s kid.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) June 3, 2014
just found out what sex is. you guys are gross
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) May 31, 2014
And last but not least, I officially give you permission to use this one that I permanently keep in my back pocket:
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to other and goes, “Whoa, it’s getting really hot in here.” And then the other one goes, “HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!”
Yea. You can thank me later.