5 Jokes to Steal

by Amelia Diamond
June 6, 2014
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bruceweberThe worst is being gathered around a team of sharp-shooting joke machines firing off LOLs like nerf-balls when, for whatever reason, your brain decides to stop working and gives you nothing to contribute. Dread knows no fear like that moment when everyone looks to you for a punchline — it’s the verbal equivalent of being caught in a dance circle with zero moves (or maybe your only move is The Sprinkler and Disco Dan not only just swiped it, but nailed it).

I’m not going to lie. This rarely happens to me. It’s equal parts that I’m A) hilarious and B) just kidding about point A! and C) like a Boy Scout, I’m never not prepared. That’s right. I show up to every party armed with at least five jokes JUST IN CASE. You never know if there’s going to be a dull moment that needs filling, or an impromptu comedy battle.

Sometimes, you just straight up have nothing else to say.

So with that, here are 5 lines to steal this weekend (but throw their originators some love via Twitter if you happen to use one on Public Access or something):

And last but not least, I officially give you permission to use this one that I permanently keep in my back pocket:

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to other and goes, “Whoa, it’s getting really hot in here.” And then the other one goes, “HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!”

Yea. You can thank me later.

Image shot by Bruce Weber

REPLIES
  • http://thestylishislander.blogspot.com/ The Stylish Islander

    Haha the one with the watermelon is the best!

  • http://JESSJOYCEJ.WORDPRESS.COM/ Jessica Joyce

    Ah, I think in French it’s called “l’esprit de l’escalier” which is when I come up with a witty response WAY after the party is over. That’s why I have Twitter.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Ha! in a less chic manner there’s a very funny Seinfeld episode about that, George thinks of the comeback like, a week later and hangs on to it until he’s insulted again

      • Erika

        And the fact that you just quoted Seinfeld Amelia, is why you’re a national treasure.

  • http://sedapop.blogspot.com Carolina Petrosky

    The pic is priceless!

  • Luarnaiz

    what’s the name of Bob the Builder when he’s unemployed?

    Bob.

    Great article!

    • Amelia Diamond

      ahahahaahahahah

  • Leandra Medine
  • GapToothedGirl

    LOL!!
    I will definitely use a couple of them!!

    • Dontmeantoberude

      I understand this might qualify as bullying, and I don’t mean it like that, i swear…but why do you feel the need to rub in everyones’ faces that you have a tooth gap, I mean I don’t mean to be rude but you’re in like every Man repeller article… i don’t really want to stare at your mouth every day… please

  • Oliver Lips

    If I open with the watermelon one and continue by telling your joke I believe the evening will be a success! Thanks.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Oh yea. mine is for sure the winner, save it for last!

      • Oliver Lips

        I tried it and now I have no friends, but it was totally worth taking the risk! ;)

  • Aubrey Green

    I’m so uncomfortable when someone is telling a joke – I just keep thinking, “I hope people laugh…what if it’s not really funny, uuggh, this is sooo awkward.”

    • Amelia Diamond

      Empathy, man.

  • http://anoldstoryblog.blogspot.com Hannah

    Miley Cyrus is always a good topic of comedic conversation. Her whole life is one big joke!

  • http://www.deneehughes.com JDenee

    “You guys are gross!” I may have laughed a bit. I wanted it to be a LOL, but I have to be honest about these things.

  • Sarah Mekhail

    womp womp

  • Alexis

    ahh I love this blog so so so much.

    Alexis
    http://thosethreads.com

  • Irene Laura
  • Maryam

    Hahahahahaha, I don’t think I’ve ever come across a worse selection of jokes!