A Deep-Dive Into Gwyneth Paltrow’s First Issue of ‘goop’ Magazine
09.19.17

It’s rare that a print magazine makes a splash these days. Leave it to goop, the Anna Wintour-backed physical manifestation of Gwyneth Paltrow’s digital venture, to not just make a splash but land a perfect cucumber-infused cannonball.

The magazine hit stands today, and it didn’t waste time advertising its intentions. The cover features Gwyneth herself, naked save for a pair of underwear, covered knee-to-chin in a slick coating of gray mud. Her lips are slightly parted, as if she’s either just tasted something curiously umami-flavored, achieved sexual enlightenment, or possibly both. The words “Earth to Gwyneth” are scrolled across her bare abdomen in what I can only describe as “goopy” cursive.

“Goopy,” in fact, is an accurate adjective for the entire issue. Instead of dancing around the association, it jumps right in and rolls around in it (literally, in Gwyneth’s case). Because I couldn’t help myself, I combed through all 96 pages to select the seven goopiest learnings for your consumption.

1. A new definition of “wellness,” per Gwyneth’s letter from the editor.

“At goop, more than anything else, we define wellness as a state of curiosity and what that curiosity might lead to,” she writes. “If you have tuned into yourself enough to ask why you feel a certain way or how you might change a particular aspect of your life, you are participating in the wellness movement. Wellness is the space in which to ponder the existence of a mind-body connection, to wonder if food really can be medicine, to imagine that a better relationship is possible. It’s about being the architect of how you want your life to unfold, in whatever way is right for you.”

Translation: you’ve probably already opted into the wellness movement whether you intended to or not. Take that, haters!

2. Leech bites are the one thing Gwyneth is still unwilling to undergo in the name of wellness.

She won’t let them near her face, despite what she hears about their skin-tightening properties.

3. To smooth out the skin buckling around her caesarean scar, Gwyneth went to a doctor and let him sting her stomach with a live bee.

It’s apparently similar to acupuncture, but more fun to talk about at parties. On a separate note, I’m grateful to finally know where bees and leeches rank, respectively, on the goop-friendly critter list.

4. The pelvic floor is going to be the next “It” body part.

If it weren’t for our pelvic floor, our uterus and bladder could fall out, so I’m not mad about giving it some primetime.

According to Leslie Howard, a yoga teacher who leads sold-out pelvic floor workshops around the country, the main issue with people’s pelvic floor isn’t that it’s too loose but that it’s too tight. “We’re all walking around with our butts clenched, barely breathing,” she says. “In our hyper-modernized American society, this has become the new normal.”

Much like going to the dentist or the OBGYN, you can make an appointment with a specialist to have your pelvic floor “released” once or twice a year. I already told Siri to remind me.

5. If you need to clean out your emotional closet, this 12-minute ritual is just the thing:

“In a quiet place, light a white candle and set a timer for 12 minutes. With a pen in hand, begin to write stream-of-consciousness style about any unresolved issue with which you’re not been honest with yourself or others. Let the emotions move you, and don’t worry about making your writing legible. At the end of 12 minutes, stop. Don’t read what you’ve written! You’ve purged this negative energy and don’t want to take it back into your consciousness. Crumple the paper up and, in a safe place like a patio or barbecue grill, burn it.”

This ritual actually sounds really fun, but I only have one burning (lol) question: Why in the name of Icarus does the candle have to be white? Will my unresolved issues remain so if I light a maroon one? Please advise.

6. You can finally find out how much goop-label Kool-Aid you’ve ingested, per a quiz entitled, “How Goopy Are You?”

After answering queries such as, “Which of these non-toxic ingredients is not in a goop fragrance?” and “Your friend got you a jade egg for your birthday? Now what?,” I learned that I fell into the category, “We Had You at V-Steam,” which is 100% percent accurate.

7. The following two sentences:

via Goop

“I want to milk the fuck out of life!” –Gwyneth Paltrow

“For me, when I take off my shoes and walk in the grass, it’s so healing. It’s hard to find scientific evidence for the idea that ‘I feel good.’ But by trying, you get so much juice out of life.” –Gwyneth Paltrow

Leading me to ask myself: Is life a nipple, or a lemon? Perhaps the next issue of goop will have the answer.

Feature photo via Goop

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  • LW

    She’s an abomination.

  • no offence to good magazines out there..

  • Bmo

    “in a safe place like a patio or barbecue grill”
    I can’t stop laughing at this statement.

    • Harling Ross

      same. thank you for directing my attention at it anew.

  • theysayshycity

    Lemons and nipples aren’t all that different, sort of, if we’re going by shape?

    Thank you for reading this so I never have to. I am SO excited for next month’s installation.

  • Emmie

    she looks v. cold

  • Brittany

    I can’t wait to check this out!! I was never even a huge goop follower, but I appreciate her dedication to sharing the world of modern (and ancient?) wellness along with personal, intimate testimonies with so many different treatments. I feel like goop is basically her journal of wellness adventures that has a handsome closet to match, and with all the good feels that come with who wouldn’t want to share, amiright?

  • Mekalah Loxley

    Hilarous! “Why in the name of Icarus (!!!) does the candle have to be white?” Excuse me, whilst I pee my pants laughing! Don’t singe your tail feathers Harling!

  • starryhye

    All I have to do is read the name “Gwyneth” and my eyes start to roll into the back of my head.

  • Weelllll…. I would hope that someone so dedicated to wellness would consider the fragile state of bees’ existence on our planet, and would perhaps think twice about killing off a few live ones to smooth out some scarred skin….

    • A Local Honey

      The sting doesn’t kill the bee – it’s the action of attempting to pull the bee out of the skin that kills the bee. If the bee is left alone on the skin to wriggle around, it will eventually free itself with stinger intact. Certainly, this is the way this procedure is practiced.

      • anne_blushes

        it seems actually that human skin is the issue, not the slowness with which the bee drags its stinger out. human skin is too thick and tough for a honeybee to get unstuck intact. or at least this is what i’ve read in multiple articles.

      • But bees die after stinging, it’s their nature. That’s what I read on scientific magazines. The stinger is connected to a part of their digestive tract. I think it’s hard that a bee can sting without loosing it.

        • A Local Honey

          It’s not the act of stinging that kills bees. It’s when the stinger pulls out of the skin (or whatever they’ve stung) that the bee suffers a massive abdominal explosion. As a beekeeper, I’ve had plenty of stings and can successfully allow a bee to dislodge its stinger – any person spending time around bees is able to do it.

          • Ok, so if you’re a beekeeper I can’t debate anymore 🙂 thanks for the info. I hope I’ll never have to experience that personally, I’m super afraid of bees and everything has a sting!

  • gracesface

    I swear, I saw her in a doc about Ashtanga yoga once and she seemed so normal!! But well….

  • I would rather have a leech suck my face than read this magazine!

  • Gia

    Just got this magazines. I have no shame. TBH I live a very goopy lifestyle and have learned to just laugh about it because I know I’m ridiculous but I don’t really care what other people think. Although, Gwyneth definitely takes it 10 steps further than me.

  • Bain

    Too bad neither science nor evidence-based medicine have anything to do with wellness in this world.

  • penguin

    Goop is one of those things that can seem like such a great idea on paper, written out in mission statement form, because I’m not against the idea of trying to understand what makes us feel good and pursuing that and living life fully. But then the execution… just shoots off somewhere else.

  • Emily

    re: the cover… ana mendieta did it first, with “traces”

  • spicyearlgrey

    i LOVE the idea of curiosity and it is true that science doesn’t quite address the subjective experience of happiness. however, it makes me feel ICKY that the ‘rituals’ promoted by goop are promoted as being ‘doctor approved’ as if the opinion of one professional is enough to say it is effective. this is not in the spirit of ethical journalism and not in the spirit of medicine as an evidence based profession. i wish it were promoted as it is – fun, experiments with the self that may or may not ‘work’ but are interesting to taste – just like other seemingly meaningless experiences in life like rollercoasters and clubbing and gallery hopping and paintballing

  • pamb

    I am a magazine girl, and an Old School collector of newspapers from important dates in history (not that Goop is important to history, but, you know). I remember running around trying to get the first issue of O, Oprah’s magazine, which sold out in Chicago, where I’m from. I assume Barnes and Noble will carry Goop, and I will buy it. It will be my only Goop related purchase.

  • Gilcelia dos Santos

    all i keep thinking when i see this photo is “what happened to her nipples?”

  • Agnes

    There is so much hypocrisy in this picture. Gwyneth is playing Mother Nature while her nipples are just erased. What is the message? She presents herself as an ambassador of the free celebration of women’s body, but makes her own picture ‘instagram-proof’, following the rules dictated by society

  • Kattigans

    Ahhh GOOP. So weird, so funny, and so GP. This lady is nuts…I just can’t seem to comprehend how Gwyneth is not okay with some GMOs in her food but then allows herself 1 cig a week and says she loves to drink martinis. Cognitive dissonance anyone?

    On a side note, my coworker is friends from home with GP’s former chef & the woman who helped her create recipes for its all good. The stories she’s told him about GP are make my ears do a tiny happy dance

  • Serena

    Is she trying to be Kinfolk magazine, and failing?