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How to Not Give a Fuck for 24 Hours

The winning submission of August’s Writers Club prompt!

09.02.17
So What Month
So What Month

The cultural practice of Giving a Fuck has been ingrained in society long before Freud identified the mother-of-no-fucks-given id, the I’m-just-about-keeping-my-shit-together ego and the I’ll-dedicate-my-life-to-the-greater-good superego. These fucks are not straightforward, either. On a daily basis we give: the gainful employment fuck, the familial ties fuck, the “be the change you want to see” fuck.

In my attempt to become a grown-ass woman, I have succumbed to a charitable nature in the fucks-given department, and it’s exhausting. What keeps me going is the hope that one day, when Mercury finally leaves retrograde and the Olsen twins wear matching outfits, I will wake up refreshed and gloriously out of fucks to give.

I fantasize it will go something like this:

5:30 a.m.

Wake up. Hit snooze six times.

6:15 a.m.

Stuff my face with crunchy sugar-coated cereal designed for children. Cast a steely gaze at my steel cut oats with no guilt whatsoever.

6:30 a.m.

Run my hands along my stubbly legs and decide to wear the skirt anyway.

6:40 a.m.

Forego makeup.

7:15 a.m.

Endure the concerned coos of “Are you sick?” and “You’re looking a bit pale” from my co-workers. Tell them I’ve gone makeup-free; relish in their flustered attempts at back-pedaling.

7:30 a.m.

Go teach my first grade class (if there’s anything we should give a fuck about, it’s education).

10:30 a.m.

Make tea in the staff room. Get approached by co-worker Ryan-with-the-wife-and-infant. Get shown latest photos of infant. Have the topic of my own fertility and desire to bring new life into the world probed. Reassure Ryan-with-no-womb that I’m not having unprotected sex. Further elaborate that I enjoy the ability to travel and sleep whenever I want. Thank him for his concern about my reproductive health and sex life. Walk away with Kathleen Hanna ringing in my ears.

1:30 p.m.

Fish a tampon out my bag and walk proudly across the staff room because I’m bleeding and I don’t care who knows it.

2:30 pm

Leave the family chat group after one too many inspirational quotes.

2:31 p.m.

Give no excuses for leaving the family chat group.

3:30 p.m.

Leave work on time. Skip the gym.

4:00 p.m.

Remove bra. Do not think about what’s for dinner or whether there’s milk in the fridge.

5:00 p.m.

Restart Season One of The Vampire Diaries with zero shame.

6:30 p.m.

Skip the art show with the tiny overpriced slow-cooked burritos and order a pizza.

7:45 p.m.

Open the fancy bottle of red I was saving for a special occasion.

8:30 p.m.

Call out a relative on their bigoted Facebook post.

8:31 p.m.

Get blocked by bigoted relative.

9:45 p.m.

Get distressed message from friend about douchey boyfriend. Tell her what I really think about douchey boyfriend.

11:00 p.m.

Go to sleep feeling lighter without all my extra fucks weighing me down.

Get more Humor ?
  • Alexia

    100% yes to this 😊

  • Lily

    Man Repeller should really consider a post-saving feature (similar to the existing feature on their beautiful cousin Into The Gloss) because I would save this post a thousand times over.

    • Cora

      You can save them on Bloglovin,which is pretty much the only reason I use it 😉

  • Lucy

    just reading this makes me feel pounds lighter

    • Lauryn P.C

      SAME!

  • Allyson

    I am going to read this every single morning before I start my day.

  • Heather Chambers

    I’ve more or less had that day, and it’s glorious.

  • Millie Lammoreaux

    Yeah, this is pretty much my life. It’s an excellent way to live. Let’s normalize this shit.

  • Laura

    Wait until you are pushing 50, then you will most definitely be out of fucks to give – it’s amazing!

  • Alexandra Queiroz

    So relatable… I’ve done many of those things and it feels awesome! And yes, Ryan-with-no-womb types usually have all the opinions in the world and somehow they need to share them with you. So it’s only fair that you also get to share your owns opinions with them (it’s fun, if you haven’t tried it yet, I recommend you do.)

  • Ana P

    Read the title- knew i had to read it. I’m not disappointed!!! I love this. I just graduated and have been stressing real hard about finding a “real job”. Watching other people not give a fuck is just so inspirational.

  • LOVE IT! You go through your day doing your thang, going to work, still eating but not caring… the best!

    https://thedianaedition.com

  • Teri Giese

    I do believe I have been a proud member of the “fucks”,club;for many fucking years!Just typing fuck,makes me feel free!Fuck applies to so many fucking fuck things in everyday fuckfest life.I mean this with all positivity;I fucking promise!Fuckwads beware.Am a sweet little fucking grandma,full of oodles of fucking joy.But.Piss me the fuck off?Your fucking life as you fucking know it,over.And if auto fill in my fucking phone,types in ducking ever again…All jest,I fucking am fucking with you all.Bad granny!!😊

  • Lucy Sliwinski

    OMG yes.

  • Maria V

    Framing this for my bedside. Btw, only 24 hours?

  • elpug

    my turn. my 24 hours starts now

  • Mya Patel

    this needs to be on the wall of my room, an ceiling, and bathroom and kitchen AND EVERYWHERE BECAUSE HOLY SHIT I NEED THIS

  • Alisha

    YES.

  • beautiful

  • Serena

    I love this. Can we get a whole week’s breakdown for further inspiration?

  • Des

    You are truly living your best life with this 🙌🏽

  • Fun factory 😀

  • This is such a relatable article! Love the very last line— I’m light as a feather now.

  • Giving a fuck is far over rated ! If you are dependent on someone else for a wage you give a fuck apart from that …
    Jandrew
    Dress The Part
    http://www.jandrewspeaks.com

  • gracesface

    Yessss, cereal!!!!

  • Lily An

    I love this. This is so good 🙂 everyone should do it

  • Rangoli Kute

    Abs-Fucking-Lutely loved this article.

  • Steffi

    Sooooo good!! LMAO*

  • Venus

    Okay. That was funny. Now I am itching to call out all the bigoted FB posts I come across everyday on my feed.

  • Oh yes. This.