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9 Sunglasses and What They Say About You
08.30.17
Illustrations by @CrayolaMode.

Sunglasses are superior accessories. They make you look cool(er). They allow you to avoid eye contact and stare at strangers. They mask Drunk Face from camera flashes in the nighttime, morning-after Hangover Face in the daytime and they also love to hang out on your head (cute!). They don’t just help you hide and cover, however. They offer a first-impression introduction to your personality. As the owner of five too many pairs of sunglasses in varying shapes, I’m convinced that the style of frame you most-frequently choose to cover almost a third of your face with undoubtedly says something about you. For example…

1. Aviators

You’re a confident BAMF with an impressive air of intrigue. Are you extremely hungover? An undercover celebrity on a bodega run? An actual pilot? The former Vice President of the United States? All of the above!? Nobody knows, but I do know “I’m On a Boat” would still be your personal anthem if you hadn’t completely forgotten about it and T-Pain until reading this very sentence.

2. Completely See-Through Aviators

You were an enabler of that let’s-all-wear-glasses-with-clear-non-prescription-lenses phase and are completely on board with stranger-on-stranger eye contact so I have nothing else to say to you.

3. Cat-Eye Sunglasses

You have a flair for drama, but the classy, cinematic kind where you slowly lower your sunglasses to the crook of your nose to look directly into the eyes of the imbecile who just said something in a failed attempt to insult you — not the Ramona Singer kind where you repeatedly yell “I CAN’T!!!!” You’d excel at crafting a capsule wardrobe because you’re practiced in tip-toeing around trend traps, you’re no stranger to a quality eyebrow raise and you’re probably really good at winking, too.

4. Really Angular, Teeny Tiny Cat-Eye-Ish Sunglasses

You like to live on the edge because sharp, pointy things are your cup of tea and living like you only live once is equally edgy. You probably looked at the eclipse sans proper eye protection and, you know what, you’re okay with that. You’re also very of-the-moment due to your membership in a burgeoning Instagram style club. In fact, why not go ahead and pull the trigger on that pair of board shorts before it’s officially fall, A.K.A., time to go full on The Matrix and pair your extremely small sunglasses with extremely long coats?

5. Round, John Lennon-esque Sunglasses

You, my friend, are truly enlightened because you’ve decided face shape is nothing but a construct. No matter how big or small your round frames are, they look exactly how they’re meant to look. You’re zen, you’re chill and, like your frame of choice, centered. Here, have some Yoko tweets.

6. Wayfarers

You utilitarian, you! Whether your wayfarers are the free kind with the neon colored bands or classic Ray-Bans that cost actual money, your brain is able to comprehend that sunglasses are for when the sun is out and these get the job done. Wayfarers were “a thing” in the ’50s, the ’80s and the ’00s, so they’re sure as hell going to be a thing in the 2030s. Investing in a pair is the logical thing to do. It means you’re covered until the sun decides to explode. Next!

7. Heart-Shaped Sunglasses

You are cute but deadly, like one of these eight animals I just searched on Google. You are a modern-day Lolita (in the style-aesthetic-of-the-movie-poster way, not in the literal literary way). You are the Heart Eyes Emoji with a side of Lana Del Rey. Marina and the Diamonds is your soundtrack. You think lipgloss is still the shit. You took full advantage of this summer’s gingham trend. You are eating a lollipop or drinking from a bendy straw right this instant.

8. Really Reflective Sunglasses

You’re deeper than most people think. Really reflective sunglasses force those looking at you to really look at themselves, pushing them to truly reflect while you literally reflect their reflection back onto them. I can only imagine what unholy sunglasses inception takes place when you begin conversing with a fellow wearer of really reflective sunglasses because my mind is already blown.

…That or you really love attending music festivals, own a pair of turntables and/or have a real knack for taking those sunglasses reflection selfies (teach me your ways).

9. Those Kanye Shutter “Sun”glasses

You have a blatant disregard for optical health and probably run into both people and things on a regular basis. Get it together.

Got it? Good. (Ya look good, too.) Post your proof of sunglass personality in the comments below!

Illustrations by @CrayolaMode.

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  • Adrianna

    I have sensitive eyes, so I wear sunglasses basically every time I’m outside, including when it’s cloudy or dusk. To the point where I feel weird and suddenly self conscious about all the people-watching I do when I walk around if I’m not wearing sunglasses.

  • Hayley

    Thank you for the shutter “sun” glass bashing. I see kids wearing these all the time and I can’t understand the appeal.

  • Andrea Raymer

    Glad to know my prescription wayfarers have me covered for the rest of my life! now lets just make sure my eyesight doesn’t get worse and ill never have to purchase another pare.

    Though I do have to say, the only reason I stopped wearing heart shaped glasses is because they don’t come in prescription. they look excellent with all my gingham, though

  • lillian c.

    what about the face covering sunglasses a la paris/ nicole/ the olsens in their dramatic heydays?

  • Love ❤️ this post ! I’m a sunglasses whore so no specific type suits me I wear them all !
    Jandrew
    Dress The Part
    http://www.jandrewspeaks.com

  • I did forget about T-Pain, lol

    Charmaine Ng
    Architecture & Lifestyle Blog

  • LMAO at the Ramona Singer shout out. Love her. And this.

  • Gia

    I actually avoid going out anytime I can’t wear sunglasses. If it rains or it’s cloudy I spend the absolute minimum about of time outdoors and I avoid as much public interaction as possible. This also means I avoid going out at night because I can’t wear shades (although if I’m forced to go out and I’m drunk enough I will wear my sunglasses ironically). Ps my sunglasses rotation currently includes Oliver people’s x the row the parquet style, Warby Parker x off
    -white wayfarer looking ones, and a giant pair of aviators for when I’m feeling especially antisocial

  • Teri Giese

    I have a tortoise pair of cat eyes,AND an original pair of Wayfarers from around 1990!Wow!Also some silver oakleys from about 1998,and another pair of white,crystal trimmed cat eyes.Am 56,and still wear them all!ADHD of my personal style?!Love them all!😉😂P.S. I have no ability to wink,( though I always want to!);and have tiny,frozen eyebrow.But I do have very animated facial expressions,or so I am told

  • alexia

    Ahah 😀 “I can only imagine what unholy sunglasses inception takes place when you begin conversing with a fellow wearer of really reflective sunglasses”

  • Bella DiBernardo

    Love this

  • Calli

    circular shades, v true, v true. i feel so zen.

  • Carolina Delgado

    Your description of reflective sunglasses is quite possibly my favorite paragraph ever written on this g damn site

  • Tanya

    really really really sad there is no mention of oversized sunglasses

  • Julián Morales-Jaramillo

    This article has explain more about myself than any horoscope ever has. Good bye Susan Miller 👋 HELLO Erika Smith 👌

  • Emily Clark

    Thank you for sharing a little more information about different style sunglasses. Recently I ordered a pair of round glasses from “Shade Tree Sunglasses”. It was also looking little similar to your Round, John Lennon-esque Sunglasses.