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Heaven or ‘The Revenant’: The Bachelorette, Season 13, Episode 7 Recap
07.11.17
Photo via Disney ABC Press
Bachelorette Recaps
Bachelorette Recaps

Here we are in the Final Six of Bachelorette season 13. Remaining at the ranch are Peter, Dean, Eric, Bryan, Adam and Matt. Let’s take a second to salute the behind-the-scenes resilience of the final two men on that list. A full third of Rachel’s Final Six are perfectly nice and absolutely forgettable. One of them brought a puppet and one of them dressed as a penguin and that’s about all we know.

That said, when compared to the racist, the guy who had a girlfriend, the Whaboom and the rest, I guess they’re the cream of the crop.

Rachel seems to agree as she says she’s interested to see which guy rises above the rest. They’re in Geneva, Switzerland but most of their thoughts are on home: specifically, bringing Rachel to meet their families.

Rachel tells the boys that there will be three one-on-ones and one three-on-one this week. Foregoing the Rose Ceremony, she’ll either give the guys a rose on the date or she won’t. It’s on!

Date #1

Bryan gets tapped first. Peter’s feeling envious and his face is tight. Even when he’s pissed he’s gorgeous. Patrick Dempsey is going to kill it in this part of the Lifetime movie.

Does this make Bryan McSteamy? Or is he Josh Lucas in Sweet Home Alabama? No, I think Dean is Josh Lucas and Bryan is McSteamy. I’m glad that’s settled.

Speaking of romcoms, Rachel’s one-on-one with Bryan is less a date and more the Richard Gere plot line from Pretty Woman. She takes Bryan on a ride in a fancy car and then she buys them both ridiculously expensive Swiss watches. Bryan is gobsmacked. Rachel’s like, “I got this.” The accountants at ABC are like, “Say what now?”

Afterward, they go on a boat ride and noisily make out over the sound of the sea and the sails and the motor. What a mess.

Meanwhile back at the hotel, Adam and Matt are consoling each other. I had already forgotten they existed. They showed up on screen and I was like, “Who is that? Luke Wilson and Chris Pine? How interesting!”

At dinner, Bryan tells her about his last relationship which, surprisingly includes planning a wedding in Colombia. He just throws that out there like the relationship involved sharing a ZipCar membership. The previous union broke up after his girlfriend met his mother and he’s nervous that a similar fate will befall his relationship with Rachel. Rachel’s like, “Cool, but we need to take this to the next level, so Mama’s going to have to love me.” She gives him the rose and a string quartet starts to play. Thoughts and prayers to the talented Swiss musicians who had to sit, in silence, while these two noisily whispered sweet nothings to each other.

Date #2

Dean gets tapped. Adam huffs, puffs and pouts when the card is read. He’s pissed, he says, “because I don’t get to bring home girls to my family that often.” Honey, the solution to this problem is not to go on The Bachelorette. It’s to swipe right more often.

Rachel takes Dean to Catholic mass. She’s never been to Catholic mass and it’s in French, which neither of them speak, so in general this seems like it’s going to be un boner-killer. They talk the entire time which I think even the Young Pope would get shirty about. Also, what kind of Catholic church is letting an American television crew all up in their sanctuary? Mon dieu.

Afterward, they wander through the streets and cuddle and do silly dances. I adore Dean but I’m getting a sort of friend vibe here. No, not a friend, a puppy. You know those guys who are going to be great in a couple of years after they’ve lived a little more life and had their hearts broken but you don’t want to be the one to grow them up or break their hearts? That’s Dean.

Dean monologues that he’s really nervous that Rachel doesn’t know what she’s walking into meeting his family; he’s apparently the Black Sheep. Let me talk to this family. I will give them an earful about how wonderful he is, thankyouverymuch.

Meanwhile, Peter has gone full-on Captain Ahab with his obsession over Rachel’s one-on-one choices, as if he’s forgotten that they are still on a television show and she can’t just cut the cameras off and run away with him like she’s Reese Witherspoon in every movie.

At dinner, Rachel finally coaxes some serious answers out of Dean, who has been distant and giggly all day. He tells her, “What I wish you could see is the family that I had during my most developmental years of zero through 13, and not the family that abandoned me.” He tells her he doesn’t want her to judge their potential future based on the present reality of his family. Lord, Dean’s journey has layers, y’all. Layers and beautiful teeth. I’m shook. Rachel is too; she gives him the rose.

Date #3

Peter, finally, gets the nod. He can stop his caterwauling at last. Or can he?

Rachel takes him on a helicopter tour of the Swiss Alps. They land on Glacier 3000 — which is apparently the name of a place and not a new Cara Delevingne movie — and climb onto a dog sled. These two dog people have gone to Heaven.

Sitting on top of the glacier, after the sled ride, they unpack Peter’s concerns. His hair flecked with snow and ice, Peter confesses that he’s frequently thought about leaving because he wants to be with Rachel and it’s hard to see her with other guys. By the way, they’re sitting in the literal tundra, wrapped in a yak or something, having this heart to heart. Bryan got a watch, Dean got church and Peter got The Revenant, y’all. That’s harsh.

At dinner, Peter continues the radical honesty. He tells Rachel how he and his last girlfriend drifted apart and he still regrets hurting her. He says that he wants to get to the end of this process and propose but if he doesn’t feel like their relationship has developed enough, he won’t propose at the end. Rachel is stunned by his honesty. He’s in it to win it but he’s also 100% not into playing games. There’s something really alluring about Peter’s reticence and stark honesty, but maybe I just have emotional damage, lol.

In any case, Rachel offers him the rose and Peter says that he’s on the path to loving her, even though he doesn’t throw the word around easily. What a tough salt-and-pepper snack he is!

Three-on-One Date

Eric plus Adam and Matt, who have now formed a group called The Also-Rans, get on a boat and go to France. The way they’re arranged, it looks like a really sweet double date between Eric and Rachel and two people who I have literally never seen before. I have high hopes for both couples.

Eric gets the first solo conversation. He tells her that she does something to him that no one else does; she brings something out in him. He’s bold. He’s sure of himself. It’s inspiring.

Meanwhile, Adam and Matt’s relationship continues to deepen as they have another conversation over a glass of champagne. Honestly, this is a series I would watch: a version of The Bachelorette where half the guys have been brought here to meet each other. Someone call ABC, please.

Matt gets a solo conversation with Rachel. Rachel breaks down crying because she says he reminds him the most of herself. If they were in the real world, she says, they’d be able to get know each other. Unfortunately, this is not the real world in any way, shape or form. Poor Matt realizes this is a breakup conversation much later than we do. Rachel offers to walk him to the car and he’s like, “Wait, what?”

With Matt gone, Rachel sits down between Eric and Adam. She is teary-eyed, feeling compassion for the hearts she has to break. She is wearing this dramatic, three-quarter-length black cape like some kind of babadook Bachelorette. It’s everything.

In a moment alone with Rachel, Eric reveals that he’s never brought a woman home. On the other hand, Adam reveals how excited he is about bringing Rachel home. Rachel’s torn, which is odd because she and Adam have no chemistry. He’s obsessed with her and she barely seems to remember who he is. However, she ends up giving the rose to Eric. No surprise.

Honestly, the most remarkable thing about the whole episode is her cape and the enormous marigold ring she’s rocking. It’s like she has an entire apricot danish on her hand. I’m obsessed.

Obsessed, too? Let’s deliberate in the comments!

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  • LEM

    Bryan is re-pul-sive. That is all I have to say.

    • Halina

      Yeah, I don’t like how Bryan looks when he goes in for the kiss.

  • Alina

    My jaw has never dropped so low as when they showed Dean’s dad in the preview. I’m shook.

    • Bee

      SAME.

    • TherapyCranes

      I don’t think it’s Dean’s dad. They show her and Peter with some kind of love guru, and I think that’s her and Dean’s, but they edited it to make us think he was Dean’s dad. They’ve really been going all out with the deceptive previews this year.

    • Cait

      YES! I. CAN’T. WAIT.

    • Marie Womack

      I’m still trying to pick my jaw up!

  • phillyspice

    I laughed so hard reading this. THANK YOU!

  • jamie

    Bryan’s mom issues are a huge RED FLAG y’all. Rach & I need some specifics on this. Also he has fuccboi written all over his startup-CEO-suit & surface level sweet nothings.

    • AC

      Yes! There’s a reason he’s still single, and it’s not because he “hasn’t found the right one” #fuccboi4life

  • Nicole Sanchez

    “It’s like she has an entire apricot danish on her hand.” OMG. This is hilarious.The rings, why Rachel, why? The only choices I’ve doubted of hers thus far. Thank you for capturing that!