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Crack an Egg on the Sidewalk and Call Me Al: June Horoscopes Are Here!
06.05.17
Horoscopes
Horoscopes

When Annie sang that the sun will come out tomorrow, I do believe the tomorrow she spoke of meant today. It is JUNE, it is SUMMER, and it is time for HOROSCOPES! Susan Miller and the Astrology Zone Street Band, won’t you be a dear and kick us off? I feel a beat coming on!

Gemini

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEMINI! *Sent with confetti*

Let me kiss the cheeks of both your faces, Gemini, for no reason other than I missed ya so much.

This month you’re going to focus on money. You’ll be thinking about earning it, spending it, saving it and investing it, and you know what they say about the power of thinking, right? It makes you rich! LMK if I can borrow $10 bucks.

The full moon on June 9th is gonna shine that weirdly bright iPhone flashlight on an important relationship in your life, one that will encourage you to either DTR or think about whether or not you want to stay together. It may feel a little tense, but I promise that the decision you come to will be the right one and the moment you make it, you’ll be more relieved than the pee after holding it in for a three-hour car ride.

Let’s say that convo didn’t pan out in a way that makes you jump for the moon or whatever. Screw the moon! (Don’t tell the moon I said that.) Jupiter, “giver of gifts and luck,” is in your true love sector and wants to set you up with a soulmate. Let’s just say that Jupiter is way better at setups than your grandma’s friend Nancy.

Love ya, Nanc!

Cancer

Allow me to let Susan kick your sign off the right way. “This month will give you something you’ve not had in some time: control over events.” CAN YOU EVEN? I haven’t had that shit in years. You Krabby Patties can thank Mars, the “action hero planet,” for that one. Did you know that Mars takes two years to journey around the sun and is now poised to enter Cancer in June’s first week? WELL IT IS. Here’s your chance to take the reins of your own life and steer ahead, just like those heroic, equestrian, human foot jumpers of Sweden. Did we talk about this last month, by the way? I grew up doing that. It’s no joke! I can’t jump that high now. Anyway, you’re going to have this massive amount of control until July 20th, so make the most of it.

I’m typing with so many people talking around me right now that I literally don’t know what I’m typing!!

You’re primed to wrap up a big project on June 9th, and when you do, the pressure you’ve been feeling is gonna deflate A$AP Rocky. (It’s been a while since I’ve thrown that joke around, huh?) Don’t get distracted just because it’s summer. Focus and get that shit done early, then you can go outside and play.

June 15th is going to be an all-around shitstorm for everyone, so skip work and sleep instead. Finally, on June 23rd, Mars, Mercury and the Sun will accompany the full moon and you know what that means, right?

PLANET PARTY!!!!!!!!! AKA a perfect day.

Leo

Lion Queens, your mane is looking fluffed as hell for summer. The second golden hour hits, do me a favor and flag a stranger down, then have them take your picture — not that you need to worry about fulfilling your own IG quota for the summer. If May was all about your career (snooze…just kidding!), June is all about CUTTING A RUG AND LETTING LOOSE WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!

On June 9th, you’re going to make a final decision about a person (a *person*) who’s been taking up way too much of your brain space. Once the light bulb explodes in epiphany euphoria, you’ll feel instant relief. Instant relief will fall along the lines of:

– Oh my god, I love Josh!

and

– Wait! I literally do not care about that human being any more!

or

– I don’t want that toxic thing in my life!

A creative project will also conclude, but I’m sitting outside while writing this and to be honest, I’m a little too cold for yet another list.

Create space for yourself when you need it this month. If you have to have a private conversation with someone (I don’t know about what, I am just the messenger!), the 26th is your date. I know this was a particularly boring ‘scope. Blame the planets. BUT! Know that July is your month for romance.

Virgo

Hi Virgo!! How are you??? Doesn’t it feel like forever since we last spoke, even though it was almost exactly one month ago? Let’s talk about this month!

Hopefully you’re reading this in time, because June 6th is a great day to get your hair did. The haircut luck will continue all the way through to July 9th in case you can’t book your go-to girl.

The full moon of June 9th is all up in your fourth sector ruling matters of home. Sounds like you’ll have to make a final decision about some living situation — are you moving? It is new apartment season in New York City, after all. Tell me how you plan to decorate it because I’m moving and need to figure out what my new home aesthetic will be. Is that a thing? Is anyone even reading or listening? I’m hungry.

We’ve got a universal sucky date for all: June 15th. The 14th is gonna be lame, too. If I were you, and I am, since we all have to deal with this, I’d “get a cold” this day and say home to nurse it. You’re better off in bed.

But then get right back out of it! You’re going to be craving the social scene this month, and you’re going to crave it hard. Blame or thank Mars. I say thank because you won’t be mad about it — June’s gonna be fun. The new moon on the 23rd will be in an ideal angle to Neptune, which only further adds to the party. And hey, why not: If you can take a vacation during this time, cool. Best Life Season, baby.

Libra

HOLD ON TO YOUR 2001 PLAYLIST PANTS BECAUSE WE’VE GOT US SOME DROPS OF JUPITER IN THE ATMOSPHERE. Jupiter in Libra is a rare event, according to Suz, one that swings by every twelve years for a year-long stay. It’s going to bring your sign good luck and good vibes. Also, Jupiter wants you to travel in June. What a great month for travel! Not too hot, not too cold, all you need’s a one-piece and a sweatshirt and an appetite for the hotel buffet.

Your career is gonna be high key this month thanks to the move of Mars to Cancer. A promotion’s likely, and so is more money, not to mention power and responsibility. Don’t let it go to your head, but also enjoy the heck out of wearing such a cool new hat! And make sure you and your friends celebrate all that. A promotion’s a big deal!

Now, not to give you homework, but in order for the above to happen, you may have to finally make good on that little humming that’s been happening in your head about applying elsewhere. If that’s the tune your heart has been singing, now’s the time to fix up your resume and bulk your portfolio.

Before you go, I want to talk about LOVE! Yes, love. Venus is in your relationships sector, making this very moment a great time to swipe right or go out on a random date. Summer loving, had me a BLAST. Those are the lyrics, right? I’m a great karaoke partner.

Scorpio

Okay Stingbutt (I didn’t forget our special nickname! Don’t you worry!), money might be feeling a little tight right now. June 9th is going to make your bank account’s pants feel even more Thanksgiving-snug, all of which may be compounded by the fact that June 14th and 15th are going to suck in general for the entire celestial group chat. I am trying to start a movement where we all take this day off and stay in our respective beds. That tends to solve most issues.

NOW THAT WE’VE GOT THAT LAME NEWS OVER WITH, take a whole tortilla of comfort that all will feel cozy and good by the third week of June. The sun’s gonna roll into Cancer (“a sign that is completely yours,” per Suz) followed by the new moon on June 23rd which you and I both know means new beginnings. In addition to that fresh new moon, Mercury, Mars and the Sun are going to be in your ninth house having a sweet-life party. That planetary combo may make you want to take a quick trip, and if you get the itch, scratch it. Travel’s going to be a good thing for all involved this month.

Speaking of scratching an itch: Mars in Cancer is gonna increase your sex appeal this June, and Venus — Mars’ lover — will be in Taurus. Girl: June is your month for LOVE. Given that all the planets are using your bed, though, I’d just make sure to wash your sheets.

Sagittarius

WHAT UP WHAT UP WHAT UP SAGITTARIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LMK how I just did. If MTV’s Made were still a thing, I think my most-Made dream, currently, would be to be made into a hype man for HBO stand-up specials and third-tier pop concerts (like where you’ve heard the headliner’s song before but didn’t know anyone actually sang it, but your cool friend Jen from Maryland asked you to go with her so you said sure) at a moderately-sized venues.

This month you’ll be focused on an important relationship in your life — making it better, making it cozier, nourishing the shit out of it or potentially making the decision to end something for both parties’ better, but who needs to think about that on a summer day? Not me and not you, either. Take comfort in knowing the full moon will help you figure out what you really want.

June 15th is a total snooze. Everyone’s going to be cranky on this day. We can press the fast-forward button here too.

Okay! Time for some good news! Mars will move into Cancer on June 4th and stay there through July 20 to help you have some important money talks. You’re going to feel SATISFIED, baby seal, after June 23rd, because you will have made mega progress.

Also you’re going to have a great hair month! What more could ya want?

Capricorn

Capricorn-on-the-cob oh my GOD is June a fun one for you. It’s mostly about you being super-successful and finally seeing rewards for all of the hard work you put in these past few months. I mean!!!

If you’re in the midst of the interview process, the start of the month was your most prime time to shine, but that just means you had the support of the planets on your side — if your interview is now or next week, so what? You’ll shine like a summer forehead during that one, too.

If you have zero interviews lined up but have been feeling really stuck, well guess what? Jupiter will move direct on June 9th, and when it does, you’ll feel an instant WHOOSH in terms of professional progress.

I have barely talked about Uranus during these ‘scopes, which really makes me so miserable and sad! I love talking about the planet of butts! Mostly because when Uranus comes up, the innuendo writes itself. Low-hanging balls/fruit. You know. And who! Uranus will be helpful on the 23rd and offer up an 11th-hour surprise solution to some sort of conundrum. (Or fun-undrum, because for all we know this hiccup could be along the lines of, “Oh no! We ran out of rosé!”)

Once you get to June 23rd you can focus on your partner. Give ‘em some sweet, sweet loving. And if you’re single? Why! Venus left her vibrator on high in your house of true love, Capricorns. Buzz buzz!

Aquarius

Aquarius, I am so happy I get to deliver some truly delicious news to you. You will be living your absolute best life in June. I mean, you’re going to think you’re Oprah or something. (Aren’t you?) The new moon that peeked into the sky on May 25 is still sending out romantic vibrations (between the moon and Venus — scroll up to the bottom of Capricorn — they must have a lot of batteries to deal with) that you’ll have the pleasure of skating on all month.

Uranus will be around to help you on June 9th when a friend in need may be like, “Hey, I need you.” June 14th and 15th are going to be the worst, so do what I’ve been suggesting everyone else try: take a sick day, take a knee, turn up the AC and stay inside. Mental-health day! You deserve it.

You’ll be pretty busy with work this month, but that’s a good thing because guess where money comes from? Well, you see, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…oh wait, wrong convo/wrong decade. Money grows on the celestial trees of your dreams if you listen to the predictions of Susan Thriller Miller!

Pisces

Omg Polly Pocket Pisces how are you, tell me everything and then please immediately whip out your phone so that you can show me photos of what you’ve been doing to the interior of your apartment because APPARENTLY, per Susan Miller, that is the focus of your sign this month.

Being a Pisces may have sucked a bit during April and May. I’d give you a hug, but you’re a fish so IDK if you’d like that or if you’d slip out of my arms or what, but Sus says your chart has been complex. Girl! But good news: It’s gonna get better and better and better.

Jupiter turns direct on June 9th which will change your financial luck ($$$$$ cha-ching! $$$$$), and around that same time you may be given a ~*rare*~ career opportunity. Keep your eyes open and your resume clean. Ugh and even though I’m sick of talking about it, fast break to tell you: the 14th and the 15th of June are going to be lame days for everyone. I have told this entire astrological party to strike these two days so that we can all just AVOID missing subways and getting in fights, etc. Worst thing that happens if you nap instead is that you wake up a little groggy or have to pee before you’re ready to get out of bed.

As for love, four “heavenly bodies” will brighten your house of true love around the 23rd. You can thank the new moon, the sun, Mercury and Mars for your potential summer fling.

Aries

Idea for a cool shirt or screen name or book title for you!!! When Aries Met Sally!!!!! What do you think?

You’ve got a Mister Toad’s Wild Ride of a June coming up, and thank god, because it sounds like May was a little snoozy for you. If it wasn’t snoozy, it certainly felt backwards.

Venus hooked up with Uranus over the weekend, which bodes well for your love life. If you’re partnered, get ready to get busy…speaking of which, make sure your AC works. And if you’re single, “love will bubble up when you least expect it to happen.”

You’re due for a work trip (when you’re not rolling around in loverville’s babbling brook). There’s a high chance it feels a little stressful, but Susan believes that not only will it be an opportunity to flex what you’re best at — thus catapulting yourself to new heights — but you’ll also come back refreshed.

I’m going to say this to everyone, but the 15th is going to suck, so fake sick or something and make it a Netflix-and-literal-chill day (once again, get your AC looked at now). Around the 23rd you’ll be focused on beautifying your home. Other than that, June’s a delight of a month for you.

Taurus

No month is as bittersweet for us celestial bovines as June. The high of our birthday month is over, yet the even higher-high of summer is full-speed ahead. I’ll take it, I guess, and maybe make just one more weekend about me and the time I broke lease with my mother’s womb.

THE WEEKEND THAT JUST PASSED WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EXTREMELY ROMANTIC. I was a camp counselor at Camp MR, which means I was busy being super-profesh, but tell me: HBU?

Moving forward, moving forward! Susan wants us to take a trip to the seashore now through July 20th, to which I’m like, you do not have to tell me twice. I’ll high five a lobster any damn day of the week. I’m not afraid of sharks. Sand rash, come at me.

The new moon on June 23rd is in ideal alignment with Neptune. Meanwhile, Mars in Cancer is going to be spitting paper wads out of straws at it from the back of the bus. We’re going to want to rest because of this. We are going to be so damn sleepy all the time. BUT WE CANNOT STAY IN BED. Our charms will be irresistible, and who are we to deny the universe a flash of our pearly cow-teeth whites?

Oh yeah, and one last thing! Your career is going to be on FIYA!

lllustrations by Cynthia Merhej.

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  • KK

    Bless you for saving Monday morning with this masterpiece.

    Also think maybe you write these with a wine buzz which makes me love them more?

    • Amelia Diamond

      I WROTE THESE ONES DEAD SOBER ON A BUS. July’s will be buzzed though, guaranteed.

  • tmm16

    Rly needed to read the “career is going to be on FIYA” line as I job search in the next few weeks!!

  • Jay

    OH HEY JUST JEN FROM MARYLAND CHECKIN IN TO TELL YOU ALL TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIVES AND BE IRRESPONSIBLE WITHIN REASON JUST LIKE ANY SADGE WOULD.

    also v. stoked for my good hair month its about damn time

    • JJ

      HEY OTHER SAGITTARIUS JEN!!

    • Amelia

      HELL YES MARYLAND

  • Alyssa

    I’m a Libra and I HOPE THE STARS ARE RIGHT THIS MONTH!! Currently applying for jobs – so hoping the Horoscope Universe is on my side right now!!

  • Rheanonn Perez

    i’m a leo but i skimmed through the other ‘scopes (as in cancer & virgo lol) & i’m like .. really scared for june 15….. lol!

    frheak.net

  • Nikelle

    Ms. Diamond, I take this as truth for June.

    Love.
    A Pisces

    P.S. I find copy writing to be an extremely fulfilling aspect of work, am great with organization, I tend to repel men AND get them caught up in my sparkle, and I’m looking for new opportunities. If you want to give me a rare career opportunity this Friday, June 9?

  • Leliforever

    “Jupiter turns direct on June 9th which will change your financial luck ($$$$$ cha-ching! $$$$$), and around that same time you may be given a ~*rare*~ career opportunity.”

    So yesterday, June 9th, I applied for an internship. Does this mean I’ll get it???

  • Amelia

    AMELIA hello your fellow Taurus Amelia here. Idk why I’ve been under a rock for like 3 weeks but this is the first time I am reading your holy Taurus horoscope and thank uuuu for giving me an excuse to go back home to Maryland and sit and read trashy novels on my dock by the bay !!!