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There Are Two Kinds of People in This World, Really

People who love me and people who don’t.

06.17.17
Photo by Clifford Coffin/Condé Nast via Getty Images

Splitting the world into two buckets is more satisfying than cleaning a hair brush. It almost makes you forget we all disagree on everything because really: you either make your bed or you’re lazy. That’s it! You’re on team A or team B, and I will judge you mercilessly for it over the next, say, 20 seconds. And then I’ll move on.

You either love binaries or you hate them. You’re either reading this or you’re not. I either like your puns or I didn’t hear them. I could do this all day. Below is a list of binaries that I find particularly urgent, which I constructed via some help from team MR. Please indicate below the myriad ways I’ve painted you into a rude corner, and then hit me back as hard as you can! Seriously, I’m ready. Or I’m not.


There are two kinds of people in this world…

People who have thousands of unread emails and people who have their shit together.

People who changed more than twice before leaving the house this morning and people who are having a good day.

People brash enough take the last bite of a shared meal and people who will cut it into infinitely smaller pieces.

People who are able to sleep with one limb uncovered and people who believe in ghosts.

People who despise sponges and people who don’t mind if their hands smell like mildew for hours.

People who go to Burning Man and people who don’t do acro-yoga.

People who add more than 10 hashtags to their Instagrams and people with appropriate levels of shame.

People who shower before bed and people who don’t mind if their sheets are a cesspool.

People who brag about being a nerd in high school and people who actually were nerds in high school.

People who know “soaking the pan” is procrastination and people in denial.

People who take photos of every social event they’ve ever been to and people who have no evidence of their friendships whatsoever.

People who tickle others and people who experience kindness and empathy.

People who are “friends with their exes” and people I’m not suspicious of.

People who can’t bear silence and people who are really fucking tired of talking about the weather.

People who pre-game and people who have had over 100 hangovers.

People in therapy and people who need to go to therapy.

People who put the toilet-paper roll on backwards and people with common sense.

People who tell their computers to remind them about software updates “tomorrow” forever and people who should hold a seminar on productivity.

People who did their own laundry as kids and people who still don’t do their own taxes.

People who eat their steak well-done and people you’d bring home to your parents.

People who floss their teeth and people who pretend they floss their teeth.

People who hated this list and people who get a gold star.

Get more Humor ?
  • Apparently I don’t have appropriate levels of shame…frankly I’m not surprised by this revelation.

  • I did the elderly man wheezing laugh when I read – “People who changed more than twice before leaving the house this morning and people who are having a good day.”

    • andres

      Kara, you probably have your shit together, and worry too much you don’t.

  • GOD i love this. thank you <3

  • Molly

    I shower every AM for better hair, but wash my sheets every Saturday & have a bad habit of judging people who don’t was sheets weekly!

    • Hayley

      Yes, same.

    • Meg S

      Me too. There’s no point of showering in the PM when I know I’ll have to take one in the AM (plus too much bathing is bad), but sheet washing happens weekly. I didn’t wash my sheets before I went on a 2 week vacay and the first thing I did when I got home was change those bad boys. I have two sets of sheets so one is always clean.

  • “People who shudder at other people’s binarity zeal and zealots ready to kill the non-binarity snowflakes.”

  • Hayley

    People who leave their dishes in the sink indefinitely or people who use the fucking dishwasher like grown ass adults.

  • Kelly Jenney

    HAHAH yes Haley!

  • Anna

    Realizing those emails are beneath my notice was a big part of getting my shit together (or am I in denial about this as much as I am about my pans???)

  • Meg S

    If I’m eating with my best friend, that last bite is mine and I will fight you (maybe). If I’m eating with other people, I’ll never take the last bite of anything.

    TP goes over, not under. End of story. Sponges are gross and I use scrubby brushes tyvm. Avoiding unbearable convos about the weather is why we have cell phones.

    My friend’s husband likes his steak well done. I asked her what was wrong with him. She laughed and still hasn’t given me an answer, but I know about the #1 house rule: he’s not allowed to cook any steak unless it’s for himself.

    I will smash that ‘postpone’ button on laptop updates for all of eternity.

    • Haley Nahman

      lolol

  • Yuri

    People who spend time with their friends and people who need an “evidence” of their friendships fitting in a photo to show-off (or just for a poor memory)

  • Cathrine

    More more more :))

  • Bo

    Local heroes who keep their ketchup in the fridge and psychopaths who keep it in the cupboard

  • Nikelle

    I ask everyone at the table if they want the last piece before taking it. This one is a threenary.
    I soak the pan only during the time it takes to eat the meal.
    I don’t pregame, and I have never had a hangover, only morning after beer poop.

    People who love Haley.

    • Haley Nahman

      never had a hangover?! :O

  • Simona Gorjan

    Oh my god I have never laughed out loud so much at an MR article, good job!

  • Delphine Gintz

    “People who are able to sleep with one limb uncovered and people who believe in ghosts.” wow I’m not alone
    Also this list is a masterpiece of understanding the most crucial dilemmas out there.

    • Jeanie

      Hahahaha, that was me for a long time too. Even in the summer time…

      • Haley Nahman

        ghost children grab feet

  • Siobhan Taylor

    Not one of these is inaccurate – 153 insights into my soul! Can I add one? People who are oblivious to the truths of humanity and Haley Nahman. Love ya work.

    • Maggie Lanham

      I totally agree and more than that, REALLY appreciated the “You’ve Got Mail” reference. That was a sneak attack and i loved it.

      • Claire

        Loved the reference also…

        • Haley Nahman

          Amazing reference

  • Emmie

    I already told my computer to ‘remind me tonight’ about the pending updates – when it gets to tonight, i’ll ask it to remind me tomorrow

    • Haley Nahman

      my hero

  • Beasliee

    I will take the last bite of the shared meal, but only once the server is just about to remove the plate with a single uneaten mouthful left on it. I hate that ‘politeness’ = wasted food.

  • lol this was such a fun post!
    http://www.thestyletune.com

  • Haley Fox

    Every article I read lately is written by Haley. Girl is hustlin! (and I love it)

    • Joanna Maziarz

      I agree – more Haley, please!! Her down-to-earth witty articles keep me coming back – each time I like an article (in my head… I think this one was written by Haley… and sure enough after scrolling- bam there it is!

      • Haley Nahman

        THREE GOLD STARS FOR EACH OF YOU! lysm

  • ok showering every night now

  • Lindsey

    aaaaahahahaha EVERY SINGLE ONE!!

  • Gina Fuchs

    this is really awkward because I have not been to burning man but i did do acro-yoga once and I’m still embarrassed about it :/

    • Haley Nahman

      hahaha

  • Danielle Cardona Graff

    Hahahahahahahahahhahaha! So funny because most of it is so true!
    Re: People who are “friends with their exes” and people I’m not suspicious of. #onpoint

  • Natalie

    People who had imaginary friends as children and people who party during Fleet Week.

    • Haley Nahman

      lolll

  • G De Siena

    People who rewatch their own Instagram stories and people who don’t need to go to therapy

    • jules_js

      i laughed out loud at this ahahah

  • Caroline

    People who are fun and people who tell you your bag is unzipped even though you know that already

    • Haley Nahman

      why is your bag unzipped!

      • Caroline

        …because I am one of the people who doesn’t have their shit together? likely

  • Ellie Thomson

    This is hilarious and spot on

  • Ellie Thomson

    There are people who use headphones and people who have no consideration for those around them.

  • susieq

    People who text “Kk” back and people I am genuinely grateful to have in my life.

    • Haley Nahman

      kk i resent this

      • susieq

        People never reply “kk” in real life bc it sounds hurried and rude! It comes across the same via text. Will 100% die on this hill.

  • Maria Ruth Jobim

    actually, I read somewhere that the way you put the toilet paper tells a lot about you in relationships. If you’re a submissive person or a dominative person

  • Lauren

    “People who add more than 10 hashtags to their Instagrams and people with appropriate levels of shame.” ahaha favorite

  • Jai

    on point as always, haley <3

  • Kelsey Moody

    I love that soaking frying pan illustration lololol

  • stinevincent

    Ruh roh. My favorite way to sleep is with one leg out of the covers, but I also believe in ghosts, at least sometimes.

  • mollie blackwood

    Gold star… loved it.

  • Samantha s

    People who keep their butter on the counter to ensure it is spreadable at all times and people who have 3 year old butter in the fridge and continually disappoint their butter knives and brunch guests alike

  • pamb

    People who use FaceTime to talk to friends in public and decent human beings who know that the only thing worse than hearing someone’s end of the conversation is hearing BOTH ends of the conversation.

  • Claire

    People who want you to understand that they are special and people who want you to understand that you are special.

  • Dog people and cat people. Bird people are an entirely different subject.

  • Amelia Diamond

    “People who tickle others and people who experience kindness and empathy.” THANK YOU TICKLING IN A FUCKING NIGHTMARE

  • Johanna Borger

    People who are reading this at their desk at 2pm and people who are liked by their boss

  • Mya Patel

    people who add the milk before the hot water and actual humans.
    is my british showing yet ??

  • Those who eat potato chips on the metro train chewing with their mouth open, and those who are sane.