If you’re a calendar traditionalist, summer officially starts on Wednesday, June 21. For the rest of us, summer officially starts when you’re sweaty and there’s no longer anything new on TV. In olden times, the onslaught of season finales would be somewhat sad at worst and a built-in reminder to go the fuck outside at best. But we’re in the golden age of streaming. This glorious break from regular programming and spoiler-dodging means it’s time to crank up the AC and binge-watch.
Other than the occasional panicked text from a loved one checking if you’re still alive, the main damper on any quality binge-sesh are the damn. opening. credits. If I’m tuning in to a brand new episode of SVU on Hulu, then sure, let the comically early ‘90s credits roll. But when you’re three hours deep into Jim and Pam’s will-they-won’t-they-even-though-you-already-know-they-will, repeating sequences and maddening earworms really kill the vibe.
Thankfully, the developer gods have answered our prayers in the form of Netflix’s new “skip intro” button. It hasn’t hit my boyfriend’s mom’s account yet, but if you’ve been blessed with the ability to seamlessly skip intros, here are the ones I suggest you disinvite to your summer binge-watching.
Intro length: 32 seconds
Why it must be skipped: The volume. Everything is always fine and dandy through the cold open, and you’ll find yourself mid-chuckle when THE BLARING PIANO PLAYING BEGINS. And it only gets LOUDER once THE HARMONICA KICKS IN. It’s a little less annoying if you’re watching on a laptop and can quickly hit mute, but I often communally binge this series via Xbox, which means physically getting up to turn down the speakers, only to turn it back up once the logo appears. Lord, beer me strength.
House of Cards
Intro length: 1 minute, 43 seconds
Why it must be skipped: One whole minute AND 43 seconds. Of buildings. Next!
Intro length: 57 seconds
Why it must be skipped: This opening sequence makes me feel secondhand embarrassed and I don’t really know on whose behalf. Maybe for whoever chose this song — where did they find it, and most importantly, why?
Orange is the New Black
Intro length: 1 minute, 11 seconds
Why it must be skipped: OITNB has a unique blend of the volume issues we see with The Office and the length issue we see with House of Cards. I once read that Netflix purposefully created extra-long opening sequences for their original shows to allow for buffering time. These credits in particular aren’t exactly quieting my inner conspiracy theorist.
Sons of Anarchy
Intro length: 36 seconds
Why it must be skipped: All that word jumping makes me dizzy.
Intro length: 1 minute, 10 seconds
Why it must be skipped: I have much respect for Hans Zimmer, but this intro is so epic/intense/haunting/scary that it makes me feel like I should be spending my time watching a three-hour Christopher Nolan movie on Netflix instead of a Netflix series on Netflix — and that I’m going to get it in trouble for it.
Intro length: 42 seconds
Why it must be skipped: Headache Central, USA.
Intro length: 1 minute, 12 seconds
Why it must be skipped: This is filled with sounds so unsettling they give me chills, and not in a fun ASMR way.
Intro length: 51 seconds
Why it must be skipped: I can only listen to something as happy, sentimental and heartfelt as “Where You Lead” so many times before I want to throw my screen out the window of my apartment. (Guess what I scored on Haley’s cynical quiz? Just guess.)
Intro length: 2 minutes, 34 seconds
Why it must be skipped: ^Yes, you read that correctly.